Mentally ill estranged family member - how much should I be worried?
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Anonymous
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Granted I only have a way-back-in-the-day minor in psych, but I think I'm pretty even-keeled when looking at mental illness and not knee-jerk or working solely from a misconception from TV or stereotypes or the like.
But I get very worried sometimes about a situation I am in. My DH is estranged from his bio dad. He saw him last around 14 or so (he's mid 30s). They come from a very sort of stoic "everything is ok" family. As such we say that his dad "has his issues" or "is intense" or the like. Its pretty damn clear to me that he very likely suffers from paranoid personality disorder, I don't know if that is in conjunction with any hallucinations/ schizophrenia or other clinical disorders. I have no idea if he has ever been diagnosed, I finally think I feel like I have the courage to ask MIL this or if he's been diagnosed but refused help. The list of his behaviors that I've been told about pretty much line up with DSM-IV and what makes it more likely, in my mind, is the occasional 1 every year or so card that we get from him for my husband. The 1st paragraph is always "I hear you are doing well" type pleasantries and within a couple of sentences it devolves into a truly paranoid diatribe about the nation and world crumbling, the organizations that are taking over (CIA, watching and the like), how groups will be out to get you, etc. We got one yesterday. The reason that it gets me so much more now is that we have a baby. He says congrats about the baby and references a picture he saw of him. Which would have come from his sister, DH aunt, most likely as no one else has contact. We don't really have a relationship with his aunt and uncle beyond xmas cards- but they are very nice people. He is several states away but doesn't hold a job or anything, so could easily just pick up and try to get here without anyone noticing he is gone for some time. I have these fears about him just showing up. I don't know if he is dangerous, but I also don't know that I'm willing to give any benefit of the doubt when even the slimmest possibility of something happening involves my son! He clearly knows our address. I know the odds are truly slim that he would ever come to us or that even if he did that anything bad would come of it. But I do think about it. My husband tries to let it roll off his back but I can tell that its upsetting to get notes like that. Whenever he gets one I hate it- I've even been able to intercept them a couple of times and given him notice that I have it so he can open it when he wants to- which he could anyway, but I think it feels more automatic when you are the one opening the mail to just open right then. I plan to let his aunt and uncle know that we aren't comfortable with him having this surrogate relationship with our son in his head. I'm tempted to tell them that we don't want any contact (this is DH's wish too) going forward and they need to tell him that we moved/ can't write us at that address. I feel like they kind of owe us that since they didn't have permission to give details about our son/our lives in the first place. But I know that sounds pretty entitled and angry. I love my DH so much, my son fiercely. I guess my protective instincts kicked up even more when I became a mom. |
Anonymous
I think you have some paranoia of your own going on. And, a minor in psych? Puh-lease. From your post, you clearly don't know shit about mental illness. |
Anonymous
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OMG, you sound crazy and paranoid.
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Anonymous
| Trust your gut and do reasonable things. If DH wants, the letters can be returned to sender. If he ever does show up you can opt to not open the door. Seems reasonable to share with DH's aunt that you would prefer she not encourage the relationship. |
Anonymous
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I fully admit that I sound paranoid and the irony of such. I just also probably watch too much bad TV and am letting my mind run away with me (lack of sleep probably isn't helping!)
And no, I don't have much experience with mental illness. But I also don't have a knee-jerk reaction to judge those who suffer from it, which I think a lot of people do, which is why I feel conflicted even having any worry at all and want some perspective. The mentioning of my college minor was in some ways to lighten the mood and in some ways to at least let people know that I have read at least something about clinical disorders. Albeit, very survey level. The notes are the frightening thing mostly so when I read them I start wondering about these things. |
Anonymous
| Really, don't worry about it. It's one card a year, and he's angry at the CIA etc., not you guys. Since he's never tried to contact DH besides the cards, I wouldn't take any action. If you have the aunt tell him not to send them or have them returned to sender, he might show up on your doorstep to see if you guys are ok. |
Anonymous
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OP, if you or DH didn't send a picture to FIL, then it's totally fine if you're creeped out that he knows what he looks like. You can either:
1) contact aunt to find out if she sent FIL a picture of DS--don't assume, even though given your post this is the most likely way FIL got it. 2) don't tell or send aunt anything you wouldn't want FIL to see/know about. Instead of a card with a picture, write a letter. Or send her a photo of just you and DH you might have taken over the year and write "Merry Christmas! Love, me and DH" on the back of it. |
Anonymous
OP. Thanks for the perspective posters. Yeah, we didn't even share any pics with his aunt/uncle. I am guessing they came from his mom (which is actually her ex-SIL, but they remained pretty close even though DH's dad went away from everyone I guess). His family is really small on both sides so its pretty easy to trace who shared what with whom. If we didn't do it (DH didn't, we just aren't that close with emails and what not to even bother) then his mom is the one who shared with aunt/uncle and that's how it got to dad. Since I know MIL doesn't have any contact with DH dad either. I guess mostly the only thing we will ever have to deal with is the cards that feel like a gut punch 1-2 times a year at most. I hate seeing them in the mail. I know it will in some way be a twinge painful at best for DH when he reads them. I've always just wanted to intercept and throw them out, but I would never do that of course, its not my place and not the kind of relationship we have. |
Anonymous
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You are really doing more harm than good. Actually, you're doing 100% harm and 0% good. Why would your FIL's paranoia translate into aggressive behavior towards your son? If FIL has no history of physical or verbal aggression towards his son and you, there is just the same risk he would attack you as any stranger off the street would. Which is to say, extremely low. Do you understand this simple fact? |
Anonymous
| In before the "READ THE GIFT OF FEAR!" posters. |
Anonymous
Wait, how is OP doing harm? She's not doing anything except thinking about whether to be worried about this and how to handle it. So you think she's not allowed to think about whether a person who's clearly got something wrong with them is a potential threat? That makes no sense to me. OP, I'd probably not do anything since we don't know of any history of dangerous behavior. But I might tell my kid's school that this person (who might say he's grandpa) can't pick up the kid. Unlikely it would ever happen, but no harm in preventing it. |
Anonymous
yes, I do. Jeez. I am just asking. Who am I harming exactly? He has a minor history of verbal aggression against his boys when they were young (again, they haven't seen him since they were pre-teens) and I know one time he was really rough with DH's brother. This was all pretty close to the divorce/ The only (I ADMIT UNLIKELY) scenario I could ever see is if he just showed up one day. He did this to DH aunt when he moved to his current state about 6 years ago from the state DH grew up in. If I were alone I wouldn't feel comfy letting him in to my home with just me and DS. I wouldn't let any stranger in my home if it were just me and the baby, so I don't think that's so overly cautious. All intents and purposes, he is a stranger to me and DH. I just would be worried in that scenario that he could read that as a slight or as an act of aggression/ provocation, which is pretty much what all the abstracts/studies I have been able to do with a quick google search is the antecedent for violent tendencies with those who have PPD or similar. I know that such diagnoses DO NOT mean a person is violent or more violent. That's seriously the only scenario I could be worried about. Please stop trying to paint me with some brush of "OP is a bitch who wishes her DH father would just go away and has prejudice against mental illness" just so you can be antagonistic online. Its not the case. I just wanted someplace to get these thoughts and get feedback- and I appreciate those who are giving it without working out whatever they are projecting on to me. |
Anonymous
+1 If he has no history of violence, don't worry about him being violent. If he has no history of just showing up at your place, don't worry about him showing up at your place. Most mentally ill people are not violent towards anyone. |
Anonymous
People think you're being prejudiced, because you're discussing his mental illness in terms that are unfair. You are freaking out about a guy who has never shown up at your house unannounced. He has little contact with your DH. He hasn't shown interest in visiting. Despite this, you are freaking out. Your concern is over the top. |
Anonymous
She's not being prejudice. Prejudice is judging someone before knowing them. She's judging this person based on what she knows of him -- his letters, his history with her DH. Fine to point out that he hasn't done these things before and therefore he's unlikely to do them. But no need to jump down her throat. I think plenty of families have someone with a mental illness that they downplay. Sometimes that doesn't end well. |