Mentally ill estranged family member - how much should I be worried?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You are really doing more harm than good. Actually, you're doing 100% harm and 0% good.

Why would your FIL's paranoia translate into aggressive behavior towards your son?

If FIL has no history of physical or verbal aggression towards his son and you, there is just the same risk he would attack you as any stranger off the street would. Which is to say, extremely low.

Do you understand this simple fact?

yes, I do. Jeez. I am just asking.

Who am I harming exactly? He has a minor history of verbal aggression against his boys when they were young (again, they haven't seen him since they were pre-teens) and I know one time he was really rough with DH's brother. This was all pretty close to the divorce/

The only (I ADMIT UNLIKELY) scenario I could ever see is if he just showed up one day. He did this to DH aunt when he moved to his current state about 6 years ago from the state DH grew up in. If I were alone I wouldn't feel comfy letting him in to my home with just me and DS. I wouldn't let any stranger in my home if it were just me and the baby, so I don't think that's so overly cautious. All intents and purposes, he is a stranger to me and DH. I just would be worried in that scenario that he could read that as a slight or as an act of aggression/ provocation, which is pretty much what all the abstracts/studies I have been able to do with a quick google search is the antecedent for violent tendencies with those who have PPD or similar. I know that such diagnoses DO NOT mean a person is violent or more violent.

That's seriously the only scenario I could be worried about.

Please stop trying to paint me with some brush of "OP is a bitch who wishes her DH father would just go away and has prejudice against mental illness" just so you can be antagonistic online.

Its not the case. I just wanted someplace to get these thoughts and get feedback- and I appreciate those who are giving it without working out whatever they are projecting on to me.

People think you're being prejudiced, because you're discussing his mental illness in terms that are unfair. You are freaking out about a guy who has never shown up at your house unannounced. He has little contact with your DH. He hasn't shown interest in visiting. Despite this, you are freaking out. Your concern is over the top.

+1000. OP has issues...

[Anonymous]

I have a mentally ill family member who has exhibited violent behavior previously, so it seems different than OP's situation (seems like she doesn't have knowledge of violence but is worried about it). But I understand being concerned about someone just showing up and doing something harmful. I have lived with the fear that my family member will show up uninvited at my home or work (in fact, she threatens this at least several times a year - with cryptic warnings about the "consequences" of her showing up). Although my situation sounds different, one thing that has provided me ease of mind is simply having an alarm system. I know that if she just shows up in a violent state, I can just not open the door and if necessary the alarm could go off if she tried to force her way in. So, for a practical piece of advice, an alarm system may make you feel better.

This little piece of advice is regardless of whether OP's fears are warranted. I know my concerns are legitimate due to numerous past incidents, but it seems OP does not have the same experience. Nevertheless, sometimes simple things can set a mind at ease even if fears are not totally rational.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how many of the previous posters who are telling you to just relax actually have experience dealing with a mentally ill relative.

I have and I don't think you're overreacting. My SIL started out with issues with the CIA the eventually turned on her family so it's not unreasonable for you to be concerned. Especially if he isn't getting help.

Protect your family.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the person. My schizophrenic sister has been leaving long voice mails and sending handwritten letters to me for many, many years. It helps her to tell someone about her complaints and FBI/CIA/KGB/Communist conspiracies. She is mentally ill but has never threatened or physically harmed anyone. It is cathartic to her to get it off her chest. Let your FIL send his cards to your family and have a small measure of normalcy in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of the previous posters who are telling you to just relax actually have experience dealing with a mentally ill relative.

I have and I don't think you're overreacting. My SIL started out with issues with the CIA the eventually turned on her family so it's not unreasonable for you to be concerned. Especially if he isn't getting help.

Protect your family.

I am telling her to relax and I have a ton of experience with mentally ill family members. One parent and two aunts and one uncle (big family -- there were 11 kids) with severe issues that include paranoia, delusions, hallucinations and bizarre behavior. They are local to us.

OP needs to relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of the previous posters who are telling you to just relax actually have experience dealing with a mentally ill relative.

I have and I don't think you're overreacting. My SIL started out with issues with the CIA the eventually turned on her family so it's not unreasonable for you to be concerned. Especially if he isn't getting help.

Protect your family.

He isn't in the same town as OP. He has little contact. If he starts having more contact or asks if he can visit or tells people he is going to visit, then yes, maybe worry about it. A random letter isn't something to worry about. Have a plan if he does show up and then quit worrying about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of the previous posters who are telling you to just relax actually have experience dealing with a mentally ill relative.

I have and I don't think you're overreacting. My SIL started out with issues with the CIA the eventually turned on her family so it's not unreasonable for you to be concerned. Especially if he isn't getting help.

Protect your family.

I am telling her to relax and I have a ton of experience with mentally ill family members. One parent and two aunts and one uncle (big family -- there were 11 kids) with severe issues that include paranoia, delusions, hallucinations and bizarre behavior. They are local to us.

OP needs to relax.

If I had that many relatives with delusions, paranoia, hallucinations and bizarre behavior, I would be very concerned. Not OP....

[Anonymous]

Honestly, as someone with 2 MI relatives, I don't think it does all that much good to try to assess whether OP's "fears" are real or irrational. There are too many individual facts that go into such an analysis, and in the end the essence of MI is that it is irrational.

Rather than try to second guess whether or not my MI relative would behave in some way (whether worrying about violence or some other issue like drinking or stopping meds), I always found it more productive to think about what I would do if....

Think about the what if... what would you do if he showed up? Not answer the door? Try to politely put him off until a time when your husband is home or to a more comfortable/safe meeting environment? Call whom (husband, relative, police, etc.)? Do you know what resources there are for his support in your area should he show up one day. For me, having the emergency plan allowed me to be much more calm in the interim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of the previous posters who are telling you to just relax actually have experience dealing with a mentally ill relative.

I have and I don't think you're overreacting. My SIL started out with issues with the CIA the eventually turned on her family so it's not unreasonable for you to be concerned. Especially if he isn't getting help.

Protect your family.

I am telling her to relax and I have a ton of experience with mentally ill family members. One parent and two aunts and one uncle (big family -- there were 11 kids) with severe issues that include paranoia, delusions, hallucinations and bizarre behavior. They are local to us.

OP needs to relax.

If I had that many relatives with delusions, paranoia, hallucinations and bizarre behavior, I would be very concerned. Not OP....[/quote

I am concerned. I am concerned about THEM. They are mostly a hazard to themselves and they suffer terribly from their mental illness. People with mental illness are more likely to be victimized by violence than they are to commit violence.

Yes, some people mental illness are violent. However, most of the people who are violent are not mentally ill. Behavior is a better predictor of dangerousness than the presence of a mental illness. OP's FIL has not done anything to threaten her or her children and isn't even living close to her.

That "concern" that you and OP have is based in ignorance and bigotry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You are really doing more harm than good. Actually, you're doing 100% harm and 0% good.

Why would your FIL's paranoia translate into aggressive behavior towards your son?

If FIL has no history of physical or verbal aggression towards his son and you, there is just the same risk he would attack you as any stranger off the street would. Which is to say, extremely low.

Do you understand this simple fact?

yes, I do. Jeez. I am just asking.

Who am I harming exactly? He has a minor history of verbal aggression against his boys when they were young (again, they haven't seen him since they were pre-teens) and I know one time he was really rough with DH's brother. This was all pretty close to the divorce/

The only (I ADMIT UNLIKELY) scenario I could ever see is if he just showed up one day. He did this to DH aunt when he moved to his current state about 6 years ago from the state DH grew up in. If I were alone I wouldn't feel comfy letting him in to my home with just me and DS. I wouldn't let any stranger in my home if it were just me and the baby, so I don't think that's so overly cautious. All intents and purposes, he is a stranger to me and DH. I just would be worried in that scenario that he could read that as a slight or as an act of aggression/ provocation, which is pretty much what all the abstracts/studies I have been able to do with a quick google search is the antecedent for violent tendencies with those who have PPD or similar. I know that such diagnoses DO NOT mean a person is violent or more violent.

That's seriously the only scenario I could be worried about.

Please stop trying to paint me with some brush of "OP is a bitch who wishes her DH father would just go away and has prejudice against mental illness" just so you can be antagonistic online.

Its not the case. I just wanted someplace to get these thoughts and get feedback- and I appreciate those who are giving it without working out whatever they are projecting on to me.

I'm PP you quoted.

You are wasting your time and energy on this non-issue, because the person in question has not exhibited violent behavior towards you or anyone else (minor verbal aggression? I don't think you realize what aggression really means!).
You can be worried FOR your FIL, who might run his mouth off to the wrong person and endanger himself.
You shouldn't be worried for you.

My perspective - I have quirky or mentally ill family members and in-laws, none of which are violent. While I do not have a psych degree (actually I'm a research scientist), I have enough common sense to separate different kinds of quirky behaviors and not freak out over every one.

Methinks first-time mother hormones are getting to you. Calm down and get on with your life. If ever FIL comes, don't open the door.

OP here- man, I didn't expect this much feedback! I have only gotten this far in reading, so 1/2 way down 2nd page- but I wanted to say that I appreciate your feedback and thanks to those who took a look at this situation.

Its probably a LOT of FTM stuff in my head. He has only done the "show up from states away" thing one time that I know of and he's getting older (although only in 60s) so the odds of that happening and all the subsequent worries I might conjure are very slim.

Thanks! I do think though that I will kindly ask DH aunt not to share info with her bro regarding our son. I know she will understand as she's not someone who can't see the situation very clearly.

[Anonymous]

You ought to worry more about the heritability of mental illness. Your DC is far more likely to develop a mental illness than your FIL showing up on your doorstep. You want to worry? Worry about something more likely to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut and do reasonable things. If DH wants, the letters can be returned to sender. If he ever does show up you can opt to not open the door. Seems reasonable to share with DH's aunt that you would prefer she not encourage the relationship.

,+1

My BIL is schizophrenic and will visit if he has an address. He doesnt have ours. He also rants about the CIA. My DH said not to let him in if he shows up and call the police. He doesnt trust his brother around our kids. You need to present a united front and have a simple plan if something happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ought to worry more about the heritability of mental illness. Your DC is far more likely to develop a mental illness than your FIL showing up on your doorstep. You want to worry? Worry about something more likely to happen.

You are not nice. First of all, you have NO idea how to calculate what the risk of her FIL showing up is. Second, it's really unnecessary to perpetuate the fear of heritability of MI. While, it's true that the risk of inheriting an MI increases when a first degree relative has MI (and increases, but less so, when a second degree relative has MI), the overall risk is still quite low. For example, while bipolar has about a 1/2 to 1 1/2 % risk in the general population and the risk increases about 8-fold, the lifetime risk is still only about 5-10%. So there is a 90%+ chance that a person with a BP first degree relative will NOT get BP

We also know that genetic "input" is likely multi-factoral (i.e. more than one gene at work) and that MI is not solely determined by genes but also to a high degree by environment.

[Anonymous]

We also know that genetic "input" is likely multi-factoral (i.e. more than one gene at work) and that MI is not solely determined by genes but also to a high degree by environment.

Exactly. Which is why OP should worry more about creating an appropriate environment for her DC rather than her FIL.