"why did you leave daddy?" "why aren't you getting back together with daddy?"

[Anonymous]

XH has been very sad about divorce and cries a lot when DS is with him. DS comes home with the same pitiful questions, obviously unsatisfied by my answers, asking them over and over. "Why aren't you together?" "Why don't you move to PA?" (where XH lives) "Why can't we all live together?" "Why can't you marry Daddy again?" This has been going on for 18 months, in case that's important perspective.

I know questions are normal and the wish is typical. I try to keep tone light. "Your daddy and I fought a lot. That's not good. You shouldn't live with someone you fight with a lot. No one should." I try not to get into the specifics although I suspect XH is not being quite as careful. If I know DS is missing his dad, I say "I'm sorry you miss Daddy" and "I know you wish we were together."

Are there better answers? Is there a way of helping DS more?

[Anonymous]

You don't say, how old....

[Anonymous]

This comes up periodically with my younger DD (her sister was older and unfortunately saw why I left Daddy). Like you, I keep my answers matter of fact and positively worded:

"Daddy and I were not happy living together. But we are both happier now."

"Daddy and I won't ever marry again, but we will always be your family."

That's all we can do outside of therapy, OP. Most kids do adjust in a few years.

[Anonymous]

OP, candidly, why did you leave his daddy?

And please keep in mind that your kids are really not concerned about your "happiness."

I think the child is asking reasonable questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, candidly, why did you leave his daddy?

And please keep in mind that your kids are really not concerned about your "happiness."

I think the child is asking reasonable questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, candidly, why did you leave his daddy?

And please keep in mind that your kids are really not concerned about your "happiness."

I think the child is asking reasonable questions.

Kids taught compassion and empathy usually are concerned with their parents' happiness. A happy marriage can boost children's own chances of finding marital happiness, but an unhappy marriage lessens their chances and can even impact the immune systems of children.

I am not OP, but I won't tell my 9 year old any of the crap her dad did during the late stages of our marriage. She doesn't need that in her head. She sees how happy a home life I have built for her and her sister. As she gets older, she'll be able to compare that to the nasty behavior and arguments of the parents of her friends.

[Anonymous]

You are answering your DCs questions as best you can. Just rinse and repeat.

My guess, from personal experience, is that the questions are continuing because your ex is probably asking them to your DC. My ex would pass messages through my kids. He was clinically depressed (off his meds) and that impacted his interaction with the kids. When he stopped having overnights (he was hospitalized for his mental issues) the questions stopped. It sounds like your ex could use some therapy. Any idea if he is getting it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are answering your DCs questions as best you can. Just rinse and repeat.

My guess, from personal experience, is that the questions are continuing because your ex is probably asking them to your DC. My ex would pass messages through my kids. He was clinically depressed (off his meds) and that impacted his interaction with the kids. When he stopped having overnights (he was hospitalized for his mental issues) the questions stopped. It sounds like your ex could use some therapy. Any idea if he is getting it?

OP here. Sadly XH is a really mentally troubled person. I doubt he's in therapy. I agree he has needs that he's pushing on DS. But I can hope he will get the help he needs and not seek it from DS.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree. My ex also has mental illness. His family helped him conceal it until after we were married. They seem helpless to get him to commit to any consistent therapeutic regime.
I'm sure that there are some fantastic parents who have mental illness. My ex was not one. He feels that he was victimized by me during the marriage (because I wasn't catering to him), victimized by the divorce (because I filed for a restraining order while he was having a mental health crisis), and victimized still (because he pays CS).
If he only made ME unhappy, I might have toughed it out in the hopes of better meds being developed in the future. But my older child was terrified of him. I gave her and her younger sister a better life through divorce. No one --especially not anonymous DCUMers-- can ever make me feel guilty for that.

[Anonymous]

at what point can you take the kid aside and go, "Listen, I am only going to tell you this once ..." and let her/him know the details behind what went down?

Letting the kid know ONCE, I think, does everyone a service.

Bringing it up all the time and bellyaching about the ex does no one a service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:at what point can you take the kid aside and go, "Listen, I am only going to tell you this once ..." and let her/him know the details behind what went down?

Letting the kid know ONCE, I think, does everyone a service.

Bringing it up all the time and bellyaching about the ex does no one a service.

I won't do this. Either my ex will get the mental health he needs and our child will be spared seeing what a mess he is. Or, he won't and she'll see for herself. She doesn't need to hear it from my lips. Actually, chances are that her sister will give her the low down if she asks.

[Anonymous]

Is your child getting any counseling? I feel like it might be helpful if he had someone other than you he could talk with about what's happening with his dad.

It sounds like your ex is putting all the blame/responsibility on you & putting your kid in the middle, and maybe a neutral third party would give your kid a safety valve of sorts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are answering your DCs questions as best you can. Just rinse and repeat.

My guess, from personal experience, is that the questions are continuing because your ex is probably asking them to your DC. My ex would pass messages through my kids. He was clinically depressed (off his meds) and that impacted his interaction with the kids. When he stopped having overnights (he was hospitalized for his mental issues) the questions stopped. It sounds like your ex could use some therapy. Any idea if he is getting it?

OP here. Sadly XH is a really mentally troubled person. I doubt he's in therapy. I agree he has needs that he's pushing on DS. But I can hope he will get the help he needs and not seek it from DS.

OP, your ex sounds manipulative. He shouldn't be crying in front of DS especially 1.5 years later. Put your son in counseling.

[Anonymous]

It would help to know how old he is.

I would consider having a long talk with him where he can really air his questions and worries, with you doing some very attentive listening, and making sure not to tell him his feelings are wrong. Not saying you have to tell him anything you don't want to, but it might help to give him more context to understand the situation. He's probably asking because the story doesn't make sense to him based on what he knows so far, and he wants to be able to put together a story that he feels comfortable with. The idea that a relationship might end for reasons he can't understand is in itself scary and anxiety-producing. Reasons like "we fought too much" or "we weren't happy" can be really scary to kids, because they don't understand the difference between everyday fights and unhappiness versus serious marital incompatibility, so they think that any fight or unhappiness can cause the end of a major relationship.

Also, consider that kids will snoop, especially if they feel something important is being unfairly kept from them. Whatever there is to know, think about how you want him to find out. What information is your ex likely to provide, and do you want to get out ahead of that?

[Anonymous]

This post is a great example of what's bad about mental health related divorces. The poor DS is now being left alone with an unstable parent, who has plenty of unsupervised time to do all kinds of damage. Dad crazy? Good luck, kiddo, you're on your own! And crazy exes attract crazy step-parents. Sometimes divorce just replaces one set of problems with another.