It really bothers me that we have no local family

[Anonymous]

DH and I moved here 6 years ago for work. We have no family in the area and knew no one here. I have been very, very lonely and making friends has been hard.

My parents left my hometown 4 years ago and moved to California. We see them once a year.

Now we have an infant and I am sad for him that he will not see much of his grandparents and won't grow up with loving grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins around. I am also upset at my parents for deciding to move to California (because they have no family there/don't know anyone there, and they only moved for the weather).

My husband's family is in Florida and we see them once or twice a year, but they are dysfunctional and we don't have a good relationship with them. The rest of our extended family is scattered all over and we see them once every 10 years maybe.

It is hard to raise a baby with no local family. I rarely get a break and we will never have date night. I'd find a babysitter if I had some good recommendations, but we don't have any recommendations currently. I am so envious of people who have local family.

It also worries me if one of us get sick--who will take care of the baby? If I get sick and can't take care of the baby, and husband can't take off work, I don't know what we will do, and it really worries me.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? If so, how have you handled it?

[Anonymous]

You allowed to move away from your hometown, but you're mad at your parents for doing so?

Should they have moved here so they can babysit for free for you?

Having family around is no guarantee they'll be involved and everyone will be happy. Spend any time on DCUM and that is obvious.

We have no family either. Find back-up care and be prepared to pay a lot for it.

It sucks, but I don't think your attitude toward your parents is fair.

Have you joined a moms group or listserve?

[Anonymous]

Are you loving your jobs? Can you afford really good childcare?

[Anonymous]

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Many of us are in the same boat and we make it work. Of course you can have a date night. There are a thousand ways to get recommendations for a sitter - dcum list serve, colleagues, other parents at daycare, etc
If you get sick then you suck it up and deal. Plenty of us have had to look after our sick kids while occasionally having to go off and vomit ourselves. And every year your kids become more independent.
My kids have a great relationship with my parents and they live in a different country, thanks to telephone, skype, and air travel.

It is not ideal, but it isn't the end of the world either.

[Anonymous]

If you get sick and DH can't stay home , you take care of the baby while sick. You will be doing a lot of that from here on out.

Welcome to motherhood.

[Anonymous]

Make good friends who will become your new family.

There, that's tough love from someone who has been there, done that. Our families are in Europe.

You will find plenty of people in this cosmopolitan area who have family abroad, like us, and no one in this country, let alone local! You will also find people with family nearby but with serious issues.

The solution is to make an effort to connect with other people in your situation - parents with young children and not much family. You will find this easier as time goes by, in daycare, at the swimming pool or playground, and finally in preschool and at school.

Give it time. It's hard at the beginning. It's also hard to turn acquaintances into fast friends. I have 2 really good friends, who took care of DC1 when I had complications during DC2's birth. They also looked after my house here when we left for an overseas post. I look after their kids when they're sick, or their childcare plans fall through.

[Anonymous]

Same situation. I hire help. If you are uncomfortable with having a person you don't really know, have her come over a few times while you are there.

[Anonymous]

We do not have local family. You just do it. If you are sick you manage. Ours is almost 2 and we have yet to use a babysitter. It is a choice we make. I wouldnt be happy living where our families live. Sometimes I wish we had families close so they could be around for dinners and holidays and just everyday stuff but its not how it is.

You dont sound happy. If you dont love it here can you make plans to move somewhere you would be happier or closer to family?

If you constantly focus on what you dont have and what things arent the way you want them you will never be happy. Decide what will make you happy and follow that path. It may mean moving. It may mean hiring childcare and even cleaning services to make things easier on you. Or looking for ways to meet new people and create a social circle for you and your family.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Join an active Faith Community that is filled with families and multigenerational members. If you are unchurched, agnostic, atheist- choose the Ethical Society or UU.

Walk around your neighborhood and meet your neighbors. We have at least a half a dozen other couples in our small section of our neighborhood. Invite them over for dinner. See if something develops.

IME, you have to be proactive. If something doesn't work, try something else.

[Anonymous]

I don't have local family and we have a date night once a week. If you think you'll never have a date night then that's of your own doing. I started a playgroup when my DD was born so we'd have our own little village.

I think you're being ridiculous to be angry at your parents for moving somewhere that's better for them. You are a grown woman. They're REALLY supposed to live their life for you? Get real. Put on your big girl panties, take your kid for walks, smile at neighbors and strangers with kids who look within six months of yours in either direction and make some damn friends. But don't be a martyr about it.

[Anonymous]

Same situation. My family left the area. No help, I was sick taking care of DD. it's difficult. My advice is to really try hard to find a babysitter. And a backup.

[Anonymous]

My parents live in Florida, my siblings live in Texas and my in-laws all live in Oregon, so I understand.

However, we have a lot of family and they all want to see our toddler kids. We try to schedule things so that we see some family about every other month (occasionally slightly sooner). So, either we go visit some family or they come to visit us. We travel about 2-3 times a year and they come to us about 2-4 times a year. Between visits, we Skype. So it works out that the kids are used to seeing family either going to them or coming here and even though they are only 2.5, they still understand that these are important people in our lives and they see them regularly.

[Anonymous]

I listened to my husband's aunt go on-and-on about her daughter moving so far away. Find out daughter moved 90 minutes up the road.

It's all perspective. Your family could be across the world, dead, whatever. A pity party isn't helping.

Make visiting a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Make good friends who will become your new family.

There, that's tough love from someone who has been there, done that. Our families are in Europe.

You will find plenty of people in this cosmopolitan area who have family abroad, like us, and no one in this country, let alone local! You will also find people with family nearby but with serious issues.

OP here. I would love to find friends who are like family. In the hopes of doing so I started a playgroup of moms I didn't know to try to meet new moms, as I could not find any. Hopefully over the years some of these women will become great friends. But that takes years. And the funny thing is every single one of them is from this area and has family here. So it's hard to find people to do things with last minute if I'm feeling lonely and we have no one to celebrate holidays with which sucks.

We live in the suburbs, and I rarely come across transplants to the area like us.

Someone mentioned back up care--what exactly is that and how do I find it? I'm a FTM and don't really know what that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think you're being ridiculous to be angry at your parents for moving somewhere that's better for them. You are a grown woman. They're REALLY supposed to live their life for you? Get real. Put on your big girl panties, take your kid for walks, smile at neighbors and strangers with kids who look within six months of yours in either direction and make some damn friends. But don't be a martyr about it.

OP here. I guess when every other older adult I hear about has moved to an area "to be closer to the kids and grandkids" it makes me feel envious. All my parents new friends who they've made in California all "moved there to be closer to the kids and grandkids." I know that makes my parents feel awkward because they did the opposite--move as far away as possible from their kids. It's certainly the case with much of my extended family. But it just makes me feel like a mediocre daughter that my parents have no interest in doing that--and I feel bad for my child who won't grow up with loving grandparents around.