It really bothers me that we have no local family

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all posts - where are you at?

I moved here for my husband 4 years ago, my family is overseas. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I moved here 6 years ago for work. We have no family in the area and knew no one here. I have been very, very lonely and making friends has been hard.

My parents left my hometown 4 years ago and moved to California. We see them once a year.

Now we have an infant and I am sad for him that he will not see much of his grandparents and won't grow up with loving grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins around. I am also upset at my parents for deciding to move to California (because they have no family there/don't know anyone there, and they only moved for the weather).

My husband's family is in Florida and we see them once or twice a year, but they are dysfunctional and we don't have a good relationship with them. The rest of our extended family is scattered all over and we see them once every 10 years maybe.

It is hard to raise a baby with no local family. I rarely get a break and we will never have date night. I'd find a babysitter if I had some good recommendations, but we don't have any recommendations currently. I am so envious of people who have local family.

It also worries me if one of us get sick--who will take care of the baby? If I get sick and can't take care of the baby, and husband can't take off work, I don't know what we will do, and it really worries me.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? If so, how have you handled it?

Self-centered much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to raise a baby with no local family. I rarely get a break and we will never have date night. I'd find a babysitter if I had some good recommendations, but we don't have any recommendations currently. I am so envious of people who have local family.

Why? We have no local family (I'm the one with family in Florida, Texas and Portland) and we occasionally have a date night. It's expensive paying for a sitter, but we do it sometimes to have some adult only time. We can't afford to do it often, but we get out 3-4 times a year sans children.

As for finding babysitters without recommendations, I would recommend calling one of the daycares near you and seeing if they have any teachers there who would be willing to take some babysitting jobs on the side. I would recommend daycare centers because those places do background checks on their employees. I would also specify that you would like candidates who have been with them for at least 2 years, so that you know that this person is more likely to be stable. What I do with all sitter candidates is that I'll have them come over some weekend afternoon when we're home but going to be working on a lot of family chores and need to do so without child interruptions, and have the sitter come and watch the kids. Then I'll observe them through the day (I'll walk through or by the area where she's with the kids or do some chores in the room next to them) and see how she interacts with them and handles them. It's our "trial run" which will tell me whether I'd hire the person again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have been here six years and have no friends and can't find a babysitter then the fault is with you not in u your stars. Your parents do not need your permission or blessing to move. You have no friends because nobody likes people who wallow in self pity.

OMG back off (not OP here).

I can relate to OP, and I'm a native but my family moved away. It's hard to have little ones when your work is grueling and you have ZERO family support. I'm a lawyer, but DH works the most hours (75/week, Mon-Sat). So in addition to being a lawyer, I have to do all the drop offs, pick ups, dr appointments (about 1-3/week due to several medical issues), and I do all the cooking, cleaning, pay the bills, do yard work - I do EVERYTHING. And I am too freaking exhausted to even put myself out there to go on mom dates. We have no babysitter set up either because one got a FT job and we recently had to let a long-time nanny go due to performance issues.

Obviously, many of you have no idea, probably because you do have family support, or a lot more time on your hands or can just throw money at the problem. Well some of us do not have that luxury.

Um...you are a lawyer andd your DH works lots of hours....you should be filthy rich. I was a teacher and my DH worked full time and we managed. Its all about priorities. DH can cut back his hours or you outsource more. What is the point of him working so much if you are miserable?

OP, you need to cut back on your spending so DH can cut back on his hours so you have family time. Your situation doesnt sound healthy.

[Anonymous]

find a neighborhood listserve, whatever part of the city you live in.

find some readings at the library, events, etc for mothers and babies to go to

mother - baby yoga, tumble time, boogie babes, glen echo shows, etc,

ideally something regular and weekly, where there is unstructured time to chat - try to say hi to people, try to round people up to grab a tea after class, invite them to your house for playdates, go to the park together. there will be a lot of churn, and you may only find one or two who last but you'll make friends. plenty of people have no family near by...

good luck! chin up!

[Anonymous]

just get out there OP and find some peeps! there are a TON of young families in this town, and plenty are in your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was raised by a wonderful, amazing and loving single mother (I know who my biological father is but have never met him) and was an only child. My Mom was killed in an accident when I was 16 and I became a foster kid living with one of my high school teachers. Through high school, a stint in the army, college, law school and graduate school I made lots of friends, three in particular who are like sisters to me. And I married the greatest, most loving man in the world. But it wasn't until I had my baby that I felt the greatest pangs of grief I have even known for my Mom. I never wanted her to be with me more than when I was a new mother.

So I understand how you would want your parents near you now, OP. But, like so many things in life, sometimes it helps to remember that someone (me) would give their right arm to have their mother on the other side of the country rather than gone forever.

Thanks for being nicer about it than I could have managed. Both of my parents are dead, the ex is very much out of the picture, and my only sibling lives overseas. To hear someone complain about being lonely when she has parents and a husband and a mommy group...makes me want to choke her. I'm not lonely. I am alone. Great occasional babysitters. Awesome buddies whom I occasionally meet up with for drinks. But, at any given moment, there's only really me. No one else is obligated to these children or to me in the way that a parent would be or a husband.

You sound like a very balanced, warm person, PP. I lost my parents when I was a lot older than you were. It was hell for me. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you. And, still you show compassion for the OP. Hats off!

[Anonymous]

OP, where do you live? I know a lot of neighborhoods have active list serves and babysitting co-ops that could help with the date night issue. If you post where you live, perhaps we can recommend these groups to you.

Also, join your local pool. I know that sounds crazy but we've made a lot of friends that way!