Are some people just selfish or do they become that way?

[Anonymous]

I've never had a great relationship with my mom, but her behavior over the past few years really has me reeling.

My parents had me when they were 22 - they worked low wage jobs so I grew up with very little, until I was well into my teens and my dad's small business started taking off.

Back in 2008, my parents were still married and my dad owned a successful property management company. The bulk of his business was with one very lucrative contract. He had this contract for a few years (leading up to 2008) and netted about a million in the final 3 years (I know this because I was my dad's bookkeeper). They live in the Midwest, so this money is a little more significant there.

When everything blew up in 2008-2009, my dad learned that there would not be another contract, or at least not one nearly as lucrative as what he's had. When my mom found out, she basically freaked out, said she didn't know what she'd do but there was no way she was going to stick around and "support his lazy ass." She makes about 45k a year as a nurse in a pretty cush 3/4 time job and has not kept up her skills to get a real hospital job.

So, long story short, they sold the house, got divorced, and walked away with about 150k apiece from the house. In addition, my dad liquidated his business, and split that plus the remaining cash 50/50.

They'd spent the last few years basically eating out every night because neither of them wanted to cook,
frequent vacations,
home renovations with luxury finishes,
and my mom buying every little damn thing for my teenage sister.
Oh, and my mom's plastic surgery.

I am really shocked how little they have to show for the years that they were doing well. They hardly have anything in retirement. They are both 59 now.

My dad is more or less unemployed and has been living with a girlfriend and doing odd construction jobs. He has continued his commitment to paying for my sister's education, even though he hasn't found enough work to really support himself.

My mom, however, bought a large condo with a smallish DP. I think she should have put a larger DP because of her age and her inability to budget well, making a low mortgage payment a priority and essentially "locking up" a portion of her assets so that she would not be able to spend it. She becomes very defensive about getting advice from anyone. We (my siblings and I) have reason to believe that she gave a large chunk of cash away to a "friend" soon after the divorce. All along the way, she comes up with all sorts of reasons why she should not have to help pay for my sister's college. Honestly I don't know if she has ANYTHING left. It's probably only a matter of time before she's knocking on our door for money, but she'll probably head to my better-off brother and SIL first

I am angry because:
My parents frittered away so much money when they were doing well. I believe my dad really wanted to save more but gave in to "keep everyone happy."
My mom being all "friendy friendy" with my sister (mom and I were never close) - but avoiding helping her through college, behind her back.

I can't imagine doing this to my children. They are only 3 and 6 now and DH and I are just getting into our careers and our childcare costs are high. But I CANNOT IMAGINE doing as my parents have - putting a kitchen renovation and a tummy tuck before saving for retirement and paying for my kids' college? CRAZY.

I not only plan on making sure my kids graduate without debt, but also giving them whatever other help that we can - help with a down payment, contributions toward grandchildren's retirement, etc. Despite having a pretty low HHI for around here, DH and I have already saved up a good chunk toward our own retirement.

I am willing to put aside all of my own desires until everything else has been fulfilled. I am used to doing without for myself. I'll be happy if my kids are happy.

I say all this now, but will something happen as I get older that will make me just want things for myself?

[Anonymous]

You dont owe your kids college tuition, but it is nice. The best thing you can do is make good financial decisions so you are not a burden in your old age. Your parents set a very poor example. I worry about mine but they never had much to squander. I mainly worry about healthcare costs. Food and shelter we can manage if we need to.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a martyr, sorry.

So your mother's not good with money. You should not be counting someone else's money. Just make sure you don't make the same mistakes she is making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a martyr, sorry.

So your mother's not good with money. You should not be counting someone else's money. Just make sure you don't make the same mistakes she is making.

Right right but what I asked is if this is a normal thing that happens to people as they get older? As in will it happen to me even though I have good intentions now?

I'm not counting anyone's money, but in some parts of society it is still expected that grown children will take care of aging parents. It's going to be really really hard for me to get on board with that for my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a martyr, sorry.

So your mother's not good with money. You should not be counting someone else's money. Just make sure you don't make the same mistakes she is making.

Right right but what I asked is if this is a normal thing that happens to people as they get older? As in will it happen to me even though I have good intentions now?

I'm not counting anyone's money, but in some parts of society it is still expected that grown children will take care of aging parents. It's going to be really really hard for me to get on board with that for my mom.

Your question presumes we agree that your parents are selfish. I don't think it's selfish for your mom to not provide money to her adult children. If you don't want to support your mother, then don't.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I don't know how giving a bunch of cash to please some guy and then backhandedly avoiding paying your daughter's tuition should be called, but it's crappy. No adult owes their child anything, but that's not how the colleges see it. I cannot imagine burdening my child like this if I had a choice.

Maybe you wouldn't agree that this particular behavior is "selfish" but whatever you want to call it, I'd like to hear from BTDT older parents, who'd planned on prioritizing their kids futures but when the time came, just weren't feeling it. Or maybe my mom just never thought about it. That's what I'm trying to figure out.

[Anonymous]

Your mom was very live in the moment, like mine. Mine is also selfish. I was aware of it from a very young age, and consequently, very independent from a very young age. I knew we could not depend on her.

Grown adults with many children of their own, would ask me why I was working so many jobs to get through college, while my mom was buying this and that. I never forgot it. And quite frankly, I was relieved to hear reasonable perspective from people who knew what was really going on.

To this day, I am extremely sensitive to it and wonder why grown adults piss away their children's college money. Since you asked. Let's face it, my mother could have paid for my college ten times over. But no doubt in my mind, I walked away a better person for it.

Buying the latest and greatest is important to people who are lacking in many other ways in their lives. It is their cross to bear, not mine. OP, if you know she is selfish, you should also know that she will never, ever change.

IMO, selfish people are born that way, and they are also enabled by others to get what they want, so they have no incentive to change. GL.

[Anonymous]

What the heck is wrong with you...your parents did what they could for you and they spend THEYR money the way THEY wanted to. Where exactly is the problem? Get over yourself please.

[Anonymous]

Some people don't enjoy anything nice now and make all kinds of sacrifices so they have retirement paid for and then cancer and die when they're 50 so they never enjoy the fruits of their labor. Lame. I think there needs to be a good balance. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

My mom and step dad were pretty bad with money, bought a manufactured home, paid $13000 for new windows for it so they're more efficient, took out a second mortgage etc. My step dad died two years ago and my mom is living off his pension and SS with mortgage payments on a house that should have been paid off 20 yrs ago when they were both still working. The land was given to them by my step dad's parents. My mom is 73 now and quit working in her 50's. But they upside is they enjoyed their hobbies so their quality of life was good I guess. Some people just want what they want now, and have nothing to show for it later. Some people want what they want later and have nothing to show for it now. Or later if they die first. People just have different priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the heck is wrong with you...your parents did what they could for you and they spend THEYR money the way THEY wanted to. Where exactly is the problem? Get over yourself please.

They did?
Oh right, by ensuring that they would never be burdens on us... yep.

[Anonymous]

Op, your mom sounds like she is still working, otherwise, she wouldn't be able to get a loan for her condo. I don't see a problem as many pointed out. She is not good with money but she is also paying for her bad decisions now. Your sister needs to work hard and pay for college her way, she will be fine. Many people pay off their college loans.

Your parents must done something right. OP you seem to be doing well and your brother too and maybe that's how your parents see it.

Being selfish to be self sufficient, not so bad.