Why Did He Marry Me?

[Anonymous]

I really can't figure it out. My therapist says it is because I represent something to him - something that makes him feel better about himself.

It's like on the one hand I represent a certain status to him. His mom told me recently that before we got married he told her how smart and successful I was - more than he is, and that has not changed in all these years. (She told me this to explain one reason why he developed an alcohol problem. Guess it is my fault.)

He's always wanting to control our finances and make me cut back on things while he spends what he wants, but when I said fine, let's just split the expenses down the middle and I'll pay for my stuff and you pay for yours and we'll each keep our own money, he was totally allergic to that since I make more.

Back a few months ago when I was trying to see if a big increase in bedroom activities would help, he seemed befuddled when I would seriously flirt or pop down to his man cave naked. Now he complains about not enough bedroom activity.

Recently I went to a party without him because he started that whole thing he always does - do I really have to go? I really have some work things I need to do - and so on. So finally I said no, I would go by myself. Everyone said I looked great that night, and someone took my picture and put it on Facebook. Lots of people wrote nice things. I showed the picture to him, and all he said was, "Where was that taken?" Sad when you have to get your compliments from your high school and college friends.

It is like I can never do or be or say the right thing. My therapist said he wants my money. Is that what it all really comes down to? What I earn instead of what I am worth as a person?

It's a shocking thing to realize after 18 years of marriage that you really don't know what motivates the person to whom you are married at all and to realize that, while he may say he loves you, it looks like nothing you recognize as love. I keep hoping someday he willl give me a compliment, or hear me, or respect my priorities, or at least seem like he wants to spend time with me. I keep trying and hoping and I am disappointed every time. Even during a recent medical scare, he didn't inquire once, although all my friends did and were really worried.

How do you stop hoping the person you are with will start caring? I'm having a hard time realizing he never will, that i am just some sort of weird abstraction for him that helps him live a lot better than he would on his own.

[Anonymous]

OP, people rarely change. He might be an extreme, but the reality is, how well does anyone every really know another human being and what they are thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you stop hoping the person you are with will start caring? I'm having a hard time realizing he never will, that i am just some sort of weird abstraction for him that helps him live a lot better than he would on his own.

I think you just get to the point that you realize you only get one chance at life and you can either continue to live through micro/daily cycles of hope and disappointment. Or you realize that you deserve more. You deserve to be happy, even I that means you live your life as a single person.

Unlike pp, I do think people can change, but the person has to want to change. They have to deeply evaluate what is important in their life and take action to align their life with their priorities. After 18 years it doesn't sound like your DH has the desire to do this.

I'm sorry you are going through ths, OP. I truly am. You deserve happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you stop hoping the person you are with will start caring? I'm having a hard time realizing he never will, that i am just some sort of weird abstraction for him that helps him live a lot better than he would on his own.

I think you just get to the point that you realize you only get one chance at life and you can either continue to live through micro/daily cycles of hope and disappointment. Or you realize that you deserve more. You deserve to be happy, even I that means you live your life as a single person.

Unlike pp, I do think people can change, but the person has to want to change. They have to deeply evaluate what is important in their life and take action to align their life with their priorities. After 18 years it doesn't sound like your DH has the desire to do this.

I'm sorry you are going through ths, OP. I truly am. You deserve happiness.

- sorry, just realized pp said people rarely change, not that they can't. I agree, they can, but its very very rare.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, 20:42. Hope I can break out of the micro cycles soon!

[Anonymous]

sounds like alcoholism and borderline personality disorder together. Go to alanon. read up on BPD.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like his insecure about your earning and sex appeal.... it has nothing to do with you, but has to do with how he measures up to you. unfortunately, until he is (on his own terms) earning more than you, you will have to babysit his ego.

You could stay (and be kinda miserable) or leave, and confirm his fear.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You put up w this for 18 years? Prayer wont fix it. He needs to change. Soon. Or leave.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like he is taking you for granted OP.

And do not blame yourself at all for his "developing" a drinking problem. If he "developed" a drinking problem, he developed it himself, you had nothing to do w/it. I am not sure who accused you of this, him or his mother, but don't believe a word of it. They are nuts!!

I suggest you take your husband along w/you to your therapy sessions and have your therapist counsel you both jointly.

He needs a third party to stress to him how much he is taking you for granted and how hurtful this is to your marriage.

Good Luck.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you enjoy stirring the pot.

Instead of just enjoying the compliments on Facebook, you showed him the picture and the comments to make him jealous.

Instead of recognizing that marital income is 50/50 and suggesting a family budget reflecting that fact, you took a "I'll take mine, you take yours" in order to highlight that you make more than him.

[Anonymous]

This just sounds silly. Do you have kids? I am guessing not or you wouldn't have time to worry about whether someone noticed a cute party picture on Facebook. Why can't a grown up go to a party by herself? Why do you listen to him about how you spend the money you earn? Why after almost two decades do you care why he chose to marry you? Maybe it was a full moon that day. Why does that matter so much to your life as it exists now? And who cares what his mother says. Every day is a new choice. Live the life you want and if he stays on the couch, so be it.

[Anonymous]

1 - Does your DH see a therapist? I am guessing that he is depressed and could really benefit from therapy.

2 - Expenses. When salaries are significantly different, splitting joint expenses 50/50 doesn't make sense. The most equitable solution is probably you each "keep" $X per month as allowance, with the rest going into a joint account. Slightly less equitable would be you each contribute X% into the joint account, giving your different allowances.

3 - Your therapist sounds like an ass.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

As a marriage therapist, a large majority of the couples I see, or individuals contemplating divorce are those in which the wife out earns the husband and has for some time. There is something corrosive about this for many men, and the imbalance of perceived power can cause many to bust out passive aggressive behavior. I don't have any specific advice, but want to assure that this is not uncommon. Unless you devote yourself to working on the relationship together, it will succumb to the undertow it's already been pulled into.

[Anonymous]