Reply to Why Did He Marry Me?

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[quote=Anonymous]I really can't figure it out.  My therapist says it is because I represent something to him - something that makes him feel better about himself.

It's like on the one hand I represent a certain status to him.  His mom told me recently that before we got married he told her how smart and successful I was - more than he is, and that has not changed in all these years.  (She told me this to explain one reason why he developed an alcohol problem.  Guess it is my fault.)

He's always wanting to control our finances and make me cut back on things while he spends what he wants, but when I said fine, let's just split the expenses down the middle and I'll pay for my stuff and you pay for yours and we'll each keep our own money, he was totally allergic to that since I make more.

Back a few months ago when I was trying to see if a big increase in bedroom activities would help, he seemed befuddled when I would seriously flirt or pop down to his man cave naked.  Now he complains about not enough bedroom activity.

Recently I went to a party without him because he started that whole thing he always does - do I really have to go?  I really have some work things I need to do - and so on.  So finally I said no, I would go by myself.  Everyone said I looked great that night, and someone took my picture and put it on Facebook.  Lots of people wrote nice things.  I showed the picture to him, and all he said was, "Where was that taken?" Sad when you have to get your compliments from your high school and college friends.

It is like I can never do or be or say the right thing.  My therapist said he wants my money.  Is that what it all really comes down to?  What I earn instead of what I am worth as a person?

It's a shocking thing to realize after 18 years of marriage that you really don't know what motivates the person to whom you are married at all and to realize that, while he may say he loves you, it looks like nothing you recognize as love.  I keep hoping someday he willl give me a compliment, or hear me, or respect my priorities, or at least seem like he wants to spend time with me.  I keep trying and hoping and I am disappointed every time.  Even during a recent medical scare, he didn't inquire once, although all my friends did and were really worried.

How do you stop hoping the person you are with will start caring?  I'm having a hard time realizing he never will, that i am just some sort of weird abstraction for him that helps him live a lot better than he would on his own.[/quote]

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