had children via gestational surrogate - how did you explain to them?

[Anonymous]

We had twins via a gestational carrier (genetically DH and mine) -- we've found the few books you can buy to try to explain it to kids are pretty lame, for kids of the GC's, or focus too much on the 'mommy had a boo-boo' aspect of it (worried about the kids will focus on mommy being boo-boo'd...

we were thinking about putting together our own little book and generally had advice from psychologists about beings straight forward just the facts kind of way and avoiding 'over talking' or 'over explaining' things that end up making it sound weirder.

But - any advice on how kids reacted to the stories and things to do or avoid would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Why do you want to tell them about GC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to tell them about GC?

Um, because it's a fact? Why would you not?

[Anonymous]

every psychologist in the world agrees that you tell them.

[Anonymous]

We have twins via donor egg so are dealing with similar issues. Have you looked at the DE literature? There might be approaches or phrasing there that you could adapt for your book.

I am thinking of doing the same thing - creating a book that tells our story, the way I want it told.

I think our general approach will be that there are lots of ways that families are built and people become parents. In our case, Mommy and Daddy wanted you so much and we had lots of wonderful help from doctors and nurses and a special lady.

Our kids are not yet 3 so we're just getting into this, so I can't really tell you how it turns out. But I totally agree with you about keeping the focus positive (no one is broken or defective, it's just that this is what we did to make sure we got you - two wonderful, loved, wanted perfect little people.)

Basically the overall approach of being lucky and grateful, and that this is how much you kids were wanted.

I always remind myself that my kids will hear and believe what I tell them. So I need to be careful not to project my own emotions about the process, or fears about society's perception of these issues, etc... onto them. They are the wonderfully happy result of effort, desire, and talent. It's something to be celebrated.

[Anonymous]

I still don't understand why you NEED to get them, any more than I would understand why you would feel the need to tell them in what position they were conceived. They are genetically yours and DH's. What gestational carrier did is a blip on the radar of their lives. Are you afraid someone will tell them "your mommy was never pregnant by you"?

[Anonymous]

A kid's 'genesis' story is very important to their development - 'lying' or essentially lying by omission about it is detrimental to their mental health, self-identity and self-confidence and relationship with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still don't understand why you NEED to get them, any more than I would understand why you would feel the need to tell them in what position they were conceived. They are genetically yours and DH's. What gestational carrier did is a blip on the radar of their lives. Are you afraid someone will tell them "your mommy was never pregnant by you"?

Because when they ask about "when they were in mommy's tummy" you don't want to LIE TO THEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still don't understand why you NEED to get them, any more than I would understand why you would feel the need to tell them in what position they were conceived. They are genetically yours and DH's. What gestational carrier did is a blip on the radar of their lives. Are you afraid someone will tell them "your mommy was never pregnant by you"?

As long as people feel like they need to "hide" the process by which they became a family, those of us that are dealing with infertility issues will always feel a huge amount of stigma.
There is no reason to hide it, and no reason to be ashamed.

People used this same "logic" to argue that adopted children should never be told they are adopted. There is nothing wrong with sharing how different people get to their families.

[Anonymous]

I plan to tell the truth when he's old enough to understand and if he asks. Something like...I was not able to carry him in my tummy and someone was generous enough to help make it possible for us to have him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A kid's 'genesis' story is very important to their development - 'lying' or essentially lying by omission about it is detrimental to their mental health, self-identity and self-confidence and relationship with their parents.

Did you read that in a book? Or did you actually find a live person whose life was ruined because the parents never told him they used a gestational carrier?

My parents never talked to me about my "genesis". My mental health, self-identity and self-confidence is just fine. It actually never occurred to me that my "genesis" is a source of self-confidence. My self-confidence comes from other things. I'm sure when I was a kid it came from knowing my parents love me more than anything in the world. Never remember being interested in much else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:every psychologist in the world agrees that you tell them.

And you know this how? You've polled them all, each and every one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A kid's 'genesis' story is very important to their development - 'lying' or essentially lying by omission about it is detrimental to their mental health, self-identity and self-confidence and relationship with their parents.

You're joking, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A kid's 'genesis' story is very important to their development - 'lying' or essentially lying by omission about it is detrimental to their mental health, self-identity and self-confidence and relationship with their parents.

Did you read that in a book? Or did you actually find a live person whose life was ruined because the parents never told him they used a gestational carrier?

My parents never talked to me about my "genesis". My mental health, self-identity and self-confidence is just fine. It actually never occurred to me that my "genesis" is a source of self-confidence. My self-confidence comes from other things. I'm sure when I was a kid it came from knowing my parents love me more than anything in the world. Never remember being interested in much else.

Your parents never told stories about the day of your birth? I know all about mine (i.e. what my mom was doing when she went into labor, how they had to rush her to the hospital, how her labor was 45 minutes). It seems weird to have never been told the details of your grand entrance into this world. Also, what about if you have a DD and she starts asking things like "Mom, was your pregnancy like this?" Might get awkward to reveal that, uh, you were never pregnant. Kids deserve the truth. It doesn't need to be elaborate but just not telling seems like it could come back to bite you at a later date.

[Anonymous]

They will probably ask at some point. They will want to see pictures of their first day, or of you in the hospital. My daughter loves looking at those pictures in our "first year" photo album. She likes to hear the story of how my water broke and her dad and I spent 26 hours in the hospital waiting for her. So I agree with you, OP, that you tell them. Something about, "Sometimes people want to have babies and can't have them, so another lady carried you in her tummy."