had children via gestational surrogate - how did you explain to them?

[Anonymous]

It's about not lying to your kid, because lies always come out. Someone will tell her, and she'll feel betrayed.

My mother learned that her father had been married before he married her mother, but only after he died. She felt like he hid part of his life from her and it hurt.

As PP said, there is no stigma or shame in using a GS, so what is the point of hiding it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A kid's 'genesis' story is very important to their development - 'lying' or essentially lying by omission about it is detrimental to their mental health, self-identity and self-confidence and relationship with their parents.

Did you read that in a book? Or did you actually find a live person whose life was ruined because the parents never told him they used a gestational carrier?

My parents never talked to me about my "genesis". My mental health, self-identity and self-confidence is just fine. It actually never occurred to me that my "genesis" is a source of self-confidence. My self-confidence comes from other things. I'm sure when I was a kid it came from knowing my parents love me more than anything in the world. Never remember being interested in much else.

Your parents never told stories about the day of your birth? I know all about mine (i.e. what my mom was doing when she went into labor, how they had to rush her to the hospital, how her labor was 45 minutes). It seems weird to have never been told the details of your grand entrance into this world. Also, what about if you have a DD and she starts asking things like "Mom, was your pregnancy like this?" Might get awkward to reveal that, uh, you were never pregnant. Kids deserve the truth. It doesn't need to be elaborate but just not telling seems like it could come back to bite you at a later date.

Do you know all about your birth because your parents told you, or because you asked them? I suspect that if you have never been told about it, it wouldn't seem weird to you.

I have a super close relationship with my mom, and I honestly never asked her about her pregnancy with me, labor or delivery. She never spoke about it to me either. I am 40. It just never came up.

[Anonymous]

But if it does come up -- because a lot of kids ask, even if you didn't -- OP wants to be open with her child. Maybe that wouldn't be your choice, but it's hers, and it makes sense for her to be prepared.

OP, "it's not the stork" doesn't address gestational carriers specifically, but I thought it was great as a general "birds & the bees" text, and it does talk about different ways families are formed. It offered lots of opportunities to explain to my older daughter (6) about the various technologies that resulted in her baby sibling.

We also started watching the documentary "Babies" when my daughter was 2 or 3. It's prompted a lot of discussion about where babies grow and breast feeding and stuff like that (although I am not keen on how they presented the baby in Africa, they picked a very traditional community -- sorta the equivalent of the Amish -- that I thought reinforced a lot of Americans' misconceptions about Africa).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A kid's 'genesis' story is very important to their development - 'lying' or essentially lying by omission about it is detrimental to their mental health, self-identity and self-confidence and relationship with their parents.

Did you read that in a book? Or did you actually find a live person whose life was ruined because the parents never told him they used a gestational carrier?

My parents never talked to me about my "genesis". My mental health, self-identity and self-confidence is just fine. It actually never occurred to me that my "genesis" is a source of self-confidence. My self-confidence comes from other things. I'm sure when I was a kid it came from knowing my parents love me more than anything in the world. Never remember being interested in much else.

Your parents never told stories about the day of your birth? I know all about mine (i.e. what my mom was doing when she went into labor, how they had to rush her to the hospital, how her labor was 45 minutes). It seems weird to have never been told the details of your grand entrance into this world. Also, what about if you have a DD and she starts asking things like "Mom, was your pregnancy like this?" Might get awkward to reveal that, uh, you were never pregnant. Kids deserve the truth. It doesn't need to be elaborate but just not telling seems like it could come back to bite you at a later date.

Do you know all about your birth because your parents told you, or because you asked them? I suspect that if you have never been told about it, it wouldn't seem weird to you.

I have a super close relationship with my mom, and I honestly never asked her about her pregnancy with me, labor or delivery. She never spoke about it to me either. I am 40. It just never came up.

So if you found out you were adopted or carried by a GS how would you feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A kid's 'genesis' story is very important to their development - 'lying' or essentially lying by omission about it is detrimental to their mental health, self-identity and self-confidence and relationship with their parents.

Did you read that in a book? Or did you actually find a live person whose life was ruined because the parents never told him they used a gestational carrier?

My parents never talked to me about my "genesis". My mental health, self-identity and self-confidence is just fine. It actually never occurred to me that my "genesis" is a source of self-confidence. My self-confidence comes from other things. I'm sure when I was a kid it came from knowing my parents love me more than anything in the world. Never remember being interested in much else.

Your parents never told stories about the day of your birth? I know all about mine (i.e. what my mom was doing when she went into labor, how they had to rush her to the hospital, how her labor was 45 minutes). It seems weird to have never been told the details of your grand entrance into this world. Also, what about if you have a DD and she starts asking things like "Mom, was your pregnancy like this?" Might get awkward to reveal that, uh, you were never pregnant. Kids deserve the truth. It doesn't need to be elaborate but just not telling seems like it could come back to bite you at a later date.

Do you know all about your birth because your parents told you, or because you asked them? I suspect that if you have never been told about it, it wouldn't seem weird to you.

I have a super close relationship with my mom, and I honestly never asked her about her pregnancy with me, labor or delivery. She never spoke about it to me either. I am 40. It just never came up.

So if you found out you were adopted or carried by a GS how would you feel?

GS wouldn't bother me, as I'm still a bio child in this scenario. It would be kind of like a 9-month NICU warmer stay.

Adoption is different because it's someone else's bloodline. Still wouldn't bother me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A kid's 'genesis' story is very important to their development - 'lying' or essentially lying by omission about it is detrimental to their mental health, self-identity and self-confidence and relationship with their parents.

Did you read that in a book? Or did you actually find a live person whose life was ruined because the parents never told him they used a gestational carrier?

My parents never talked to me about my "genesis". My mental health, self-identity and self-confidence is just fine. It actually never occurred to me that my "genesis" is a source of self-confidence. My self-confidence comes from other things. I'm sure when I was a kid it came from knowing my parents love me more than anything in the world. Never remember being interested in much else.

Your parents never told stories about the day of your birth? I know all about mine (i.e. what my mom was doing when she went into labor, how they had to rush her to the hospital, how her labor was 45 minutes). It seems weird to have never been told the details of your grand entrance into this world. Also, what about if you have a DD and she starts asking things like "Mom, was your pregnancy like this?" Might get awkward to reveal that, uh, you were never pregnant. Kids deserve the truth. It doesn't need to be elaborate but just not telling seems like it could come back to bite you at a later date.

Do you know all about your birth because your parents told you, or because you asked them? I suspect that if you have never been told about it, it wouldn't seem weird to you.

I have a super close relationship with my mom, and I honestly never asked her about her pregnancy with me, labor or delivery. She never spoke about it to me either. I am 40. It just never came up.

+1 And I spoke with my mother literally every single day until she passed away. It never once came up in conversation.

[Anonymous]

I started talking about it w my kids when they started saying things like "when I was in your tummy, did I kick? How did I breathe?" etc around age 4-5. It seemed dishonest not to; there was never a question that I talk to them about it. One of my closest friends carried them and she and her kids/family are very much a part of our lives - we hang out nearly every weekend. She, of course, was fine with the kids knowing. The first pics of my kids are with my friend, me and our husbands in the hospital and it's very obvious that of the two of us, I'm not the one who had just given birth!

[Anonymous]

Books by Carla Lewis-Long

http://www.goodreads.com/author/list/4426362.Carla_Lewis_Long

Why I'm So Special: A Book ... Why I'm So Special: A Book About Surrogacy
by Carla Lewis-Long (Goodreads Author)
5.0 of 5 stars 5.00 avg rating — 2 ratings — published 2010


Why I'm So Special: A Book ... Why I'm So Special: A Book About Surrogacy With Two Daddies
by Carla Lewis-Long (Goodreads Author)
4.0 of 5 stars 4.00 avg rating — 1 rating — published 2011
Want to Read

[Anonymous]

Didn't bother with it. After the GS was done, we drifted apart and never saw her again. The high emotions subsided. We moved to another neighborhood, and got busy raising the twins. Now in college. Maybe someday. After a few years the whole experience fades as does it's importance (at least to us) One thing I am glad about -- the little school bumps in the road along the way -- I would have thought it was from people judging me for doing GS. Now I know that everyone goes thru the some of the same issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had twins via a gestational carrier (genetically DH and mine) -- we've found the few books you can buy to try to explain it to kids are pretty lame, for kids of the GC's, or focus too much on the 'mommy had a boo-boo' aspect of it (worried about the kids will focus on mommy being boo-boo'd...

we were thinking about putting together our own little book and generally had advice from psychologists about beings straight forward just the facts kind of way and avoiding 'over talking' or 'over explaining' things that end up making it sound weirder.But - any advice on how kids reacted to the stories and things to do or avoid would be appreciated.

Very good advice! As toddlers they will focus on this and worry about you (so sweet ) but later it really does not matter at all. They are both genetically yours, right? The older they get the more that matter, and the less the "story of the GS" matters. BTDT. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:every psychologist in the world agrees that you tell them.

Actually they don't. What every psychologist in the business agrees on is that making things complicated is good for business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A kid's 'genesis' story is very important to their development - 'lying' or essentially lying by omission about it is detrimental to their mental health, self-identity and self-confidence and relationship with their parents.

O.M.G. I actually have a very unusual "genesis story" The best thing my mom ever did was wait to tell me as an adult. It affected her WAY more than me. I was like, OK mom. Sorry about that...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A kid's 'genesis' story is very important to their development - 'lying' or essentially lying by omission about it is detrimental to their mental health, self-identity and self-confidence and relationship with their parents.

Did you read that in a book? Or did you actually find a live person whose life was ruined because the parents never told him they used a gestational carrier?

My parents never talked to me about my "genesis". My mental health, self-identity and self-confidence is just fine. It actually never occurred to me that my "genesis" is a source of self-confidence. My self-confidence comes from other things. I'm sure when I was a kid it came from knowing my parents love me more than anything in the world. Never remember being interested in much else.

Your parents never told stories about the day of your birth? I know all about mine (i.e. what my mom was doing when she went into labor, how they had to rush her to the hospital, how her labor was 45 minutes). It seems weird to have never been told the details of your grand entrance into this world. Also, what about if you have a DD and she starts asking things like "Mom, was your pregnancy like this?" Might get awkward to reveal that, uh, you were never pregnant. Kids deserve the truth. It doesn't need to be elaborate but just not telling seems like it could come back to bite you at a later date.

A bit lower class to go into all that detail. My GS kids have a baby book just like every one else. Just no pics of the water breaking, me throwing up, ect...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Books by Carla Lewis-Long

http://www.goodreads.com/author/list/4426362.Carla_Lewis_Long

Why I'm So Special: A Book ... Why I'm So Special: A Book About Surrogacy
by Carla Lewis-Long (Goodreads Author)
5.0 of 5 stars 5.00 avg rating — 2 ratings — published 2010


Why I'm So Special: A Book ... Why I'm So Special: A Book About Surrogacy With Two Daddies
by Carla Lewis-Long (Goodreads Author)
4.0 of 5 stars 4.00 avg rating — 1 rating — published 2011
Want to Read

OH, please DON'T! I am an ES school teacher. Every adopted kid comes up to me on day one, tells me their special adoption story and lets me know how they are much more "special" than every other kid in the class. Boy are they let down when they find out they are just like everyone else, and that everyones else's mom loves them just as much or more. Big shocker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Books by Carla Lewis-Long

http://www.goodreads.com/author/list/4426362.Carla_Lewis_Long

Why I'm So Special: A Book ... Why I'm So Special: A Book About Surrogacy
by Carla Lewis-Long (Goodreads Author)
5.0 of 5 stars 5.00 avg rating — 2 ratings — published 2010


Why I'm So Special: A Book ... Why I'm So Special: A Book About Surrogacy With Two Daddies
by Carla Lewis-Long (Goodreads Author)
4.0 of 5 stars 4.00 avg rating — 1 rating — published 2011
Want to Read

OH, please DON'T! I am an ES school teacher. Every adopted kid comes up to me on day one, tells me their special adoption story and lets me know how they are much more "special" than every other kid in the class. Boy are they let down when they find out they are just like everyone else, and that everyones else's mom loves them just as much or more. Big shocker.

That seems terribly jaded. Why not just tell them that everyone has things about them that makes them special?