Discovering my daughters second life

[Anonymous]

My daughter, a freshman, has always been wonderful and very polite. I found out recently from one of her friends she is cheating on her boyfriend with two other boys. My daughter laughed about it and when her friend asked her if she felt bad about it, my daughter said no and that if the boys were too dumb to figure it out they deserved it. I was appalled but I feel bad about eavesdropping on their conversation. How should I approach her and what should I say?

[Anonymous]

OP--a freshman in high school or a freshman in college?
(and cheating meaning probably with or without sex?)

[Anonymous]

She is a freshman in high school and I don't think she has had sex but to be honest I can't know for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter, a freshman, has always been wonderful and very polite. I found out recently from one of her friends she is cheating on her boyfriend with two other boys. My daughter laughed about it and when her friend asked her if she felt bad about it, my daughter said no and that if the boys were too dumb to figure it out they deserved it. I was appalled but I feel bad about eavesdropping on their conversation. How should I approach her and what should I say?

You need to tell some more here. What do you mean "eavesdropping?"

[Anonymous]

They were sitting in the family room and I was cooking dinner in the kitchen so I could hear what they were saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a freshman in high school and I don't think she has had sex but to be honest I can't know for sure.

When teens say "cheating" they usually mean sleeping with someone else. There is a good possibility your teen is sleeping with at least three guys. This is a pretty serious situation.

[Anonymous]

High-schooler? I would have a conversation with her, first to ascertain that these are the facts.
Maybe she embellished them for her friend.
Or maybe she will lie to you.
But after listening to her, my talking points would be about sex safety, and also about the morality of cheating, even if it's just "emotional" and not physical. She might well respond that this is how it's done at her school, but I would have something to say about hurt feelings, doing unto others, etc...

If by eavesdropping you meant that the girls knew you were within earshot, then your daughter probably wanted you to hear, and is ready for a conversation on the subject anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is a freshman in high school and I don't think she has had sex but to be honest I can't know for sure.

When teens say "cheating" they usually mean sleeping with someone else. There is a good possibility your teen is sleeping with at least three guys. This is a pretty serious situation.

OP, I work with teens and you can't really be sure if "cheating" for your daughter means sex. It really depends. I think at some point soon you need to open up a conversation with your daughter about her dating life and see where it goes. You can do this without letting on that you were eavesdropping on her conversation with the friend.

[Anonymous]

Why does your daughter even have a boyfriend? She's a freshman in high school.

Confront her, as in "I heard what you said you Suzie about cheating with 2 other boys. I'm surprised that you would treat anyone with such disrespect. It's not okay to play with anyone's feelings. What is going on?"

[Anonymous]

PP again - I'm assuming you already had a protected sex conversation.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely talk to her about it. Not only is her reputation at stake (kids may start calling her a "slut" even if she is not having sex with the other boys), but cheating in general is just a bad thing.

You could start out by just talking to her about how her relationship with her BF is going, and maybe talk about how she might not want to get too serious with a BF now. And then ask, "are you seeing other boys..?" That would also determine if she is comfortable enough with you to be honest with you. I think you might want to also find out if she is having sex.

Sorry, I'm gonna be judgemental here, but IMO, a freshman in HS is too young to be having sex, and coupled with the cheating, she sounds like a slut.

[Anonymous]

OP, we're talking about a 14 year old, right?

If so, yes, I think you need to step in. I may be naive but I'm hopeful that "cheating" in her world doesn't mean sex, but the way she is flaunting this is almost as bad. She needs a serious talk on morals, how she treats people and where this current take on relationships is going to take her. If her girl friends are smart, they won't think it's cute or funny and will ditch her eventually too.

I would use this as an opportunity to teach a little less self-love and a little more respect for other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does your daughter even have a boyfriend? She's a freshman in high school.

Confront her, as in "I heard what you said you Suzie about cheating with 2 other boys. I'm surprised that you would treat anyone with such disrespect. It's not okay to play with anyone's feelings. What is going on?"

+ 1

I stopped reading after that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is a freshman in high school and I don't think she has had sex but to be honest I can't know for sure.

When teens say "cheating" they usually mean sleeping with someone else. There is a good possibility your teen is sleeping with at least three guys. This is a pretty serious situation.

Wrong. When high school freshman say "cheating" they usually mean (in this case) that the girl is "talking" to two other boys without the knowledge of the boy friend, texting them, or some other silly activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is a freshman in high school and I don't think she has had sex but to be honest I can't know for sure.

When teens say "cheating" they usually mean sleeping with someone else. There is a good possibility your teen is sleeping with at least three guys. This is a pretty serious situation.

Totally disagree. To a 14 year old, everything is high drama. Cheating can be talking to another boy at your locker. You are cheating on Aidan! How could you do that! Cheating can be even mentioning that another boy is cute. What a blow to your boyfriend, how can you even think that.

OP, relationships at age 14 last about 2 weeks. They usually end because of "cheating" of some kind, or jealousy. Yes, I would talk to your daughter. About relationships in general, including cheating, jealousy, protection, respect for boundaries, and coming to you if there are any violence issues. Know what's going on with her in general. But overhearing the word cheating between two 14 year olds? C'mon.