If you have a great relationship with your mom, how was your childhood?

[Anonymous]

Did she discipline you but still love you equally? Or not discipline at all? Was she more like a best friend or a sister instead of a mom? Did you all have talks about your day daily? Could you always go to her?

How was your childhood / relationship with her and what do you think made you all so close today?

I have a 5 yo daughter, who I love dearly. She is a wonderful child with great manners and well behaved and loved by all. Yes I discipline her a bit (more than her father, who she adores and could do no wrong) but I am terrified that she will grow up and get annoyed with me or hate me. She already glares at me sometimes when I tell her to clean her room or to mind me for some reason. I am not especially harsh on her and we get along great with walks and talks and butterflies, etc.

I just witnessed my best friends daughter who is 9 act the same way. She went up to her dad and sat with him on the side of the chair getting a hug. It melted my heart. Then my BFF stated that she is always like that with him because he never tells her no about anything and she does all of the disciplining. She said it stabs her heart that she is not that way with her.

I am starting to see the same thing in my family and wondering if I should just be a BFF to my kid and stop disciplining? What do I do? Any advice or stories are greatly appreciated!

[Anonymous]

I have a good relationship with my mom. She is 70, and I am 47. We are not BFFs nor do we call each other every day. I am the oldest of a large family, and we all get along with my parents.

I think the "trick" is that both parents disciplined us. They were (and still are) a team. They genuinely care about one another and modeled that for us. Of course, there were times when I was pissed off at one parent or closer to another. That's normal. One thing that was clear was that we could never be disrespectful to one parent without the other stepping in.

I would NOT recommend that you stop any disciplining and instead becoming your kid's BFF. Absolutely NO that. Kids will have many friends. You are will always be her parent. She needs a mother, not a friend. What I would suggest to both you and your friend is that you engage the other parent in the raising of their child. The dads need to step in and take over some of the discipline. If they're feeling uncomfortable, then perhaps take a parenting class together. They cannot just sit on the sidelines while you do "the work" and they take them to the candy store. Let your husband give the reminders to clean the room and pick up the toys. Stay out of it. Let him get her out of the house when she is dawdling. Make sure he supports you when you do discipline her, and that it is real support. It's not "Do what your mother says," but instead, "Your mom is right. In this house we do our chores before we go out to play."

[Anonymous]

^^sorry for the typos and dropped words^^^

[Anonymous]

I'm close with my mom as is my sister (but in a different way). We were disciplined and embarrassed by my mom's behavior more than not (didn't want our friends over because my mom is a yeller). But we grew up in the 70/80s and our parents were born in the early 1940s. I just think parenting styles were different back then.

I worked with my mom when I was 16-21 which also built a different relationship. I saw how she had my back at work and the protective side of her (plus no yelling while at work- lol).

I think you know that as you age and mature, you see your parents in a different light. At least for me, I was able to understand how my parent's upbringing molded how they behave. And also how some of their behaviors will never change - period. I never confided in my mom growing up. She was the parent. And that was that. Now we speak almost every other day and I talk about pretty much everything.

At your daughter's age, she is figuring out independence. It's very hard to gauge how your adult relationship will form. There's so many circumstances out of our control as we all age, you can't predict how the relationship will pan out. I do feel that being the parent first will build the foundation to grow on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm close with my mom as is my sister (but in a different way). We were disciplined and embarrassed by my mom's behavior more than not (didn't want our friends over because my mom is a yeller). But we grew up in the 70/80s and our parents were born in the early 1940s. I just think parenting styles were different back then.

I worked with my mom when I was 16-21 which also built a different relationship. I saw how she had my back at work and the protective side of her (plus no yelling while at work- lol).

I think you know that as you age and mature, you see your parents in a different light. At least for me, I was able to understand how my parent's upbringing molded how they behave. And also how some of their behaviors will never change - period. I never confided in my mom growing up. She was the parent. And that was that. Now we speak almost every other day and I talk about pretty much everything.

At your daughter's age, she is figuring out independence. It's very hard to gauge how your adult relationship will form. There's so many circumstances out of our control as we all age, you can't predict how the relationship will pan out. I do feel that being the parent first will build the foundation to grow on.

Me too on all of this except the working-together part. She was my mom, not my friend, but after I left for college it suddenly shifted and she became my confidante too, increasingly so over the years. This is common from what I understand from my friends.

[Anonymous]

I have a great relationship with my mom now. And she was really clear growing up that she was my mom, not my friend. Frankly, I think that's why we have such a good relationship now. She was strict, but not harsh, and her expectations were always clear and fair. She was also very affectionate and loving and proud of us. I might have told her I didn't like her when I was a kid, but I felt so, so safe with her. I knew that I could count on her.

It helped that my dad did not play good cop-bad cop--he always backed up my mom and enforced the house rules himself.

Now, as an adult, my mom and I have a great relationship, and we enjoy each other's company a lot. I'd say we are friends now that we are adults, but a kid and a parent can't really be friends, because they aren't equals. But if you discipline with fairness and respect, you are setting the stage for equality and friendship later in life.

[Anonymous]

Mom is my best friend! I wish she had been my maid of honor we are that close.

Growing up she wasn't the disciplinarian. She was a fun mom (but I was well behaved and we have similar personalities). Things really changed when I went off to college. When I would call home, my mom wanted to know all the gossip and what we did for fun, dinners, decorating, etc. Dad only wanted to know about my test scores and teachers. Dad and I are close, but nothing like my mom and I's closeness.

My mom is very involved in my life, but I do keep her out of my marriage. I would never tell her arguments or anything that would make DH look bad (just like she would never tell me about her and my dad's problems or issues).

[Anonymous]

I do not have a good relationship with my mom. She was not affectionate verbally or physically. She was both overly strict in what I was expected to do and neglectful due to our poverty. I didn't see a doctor except for the ER from 13 to 17 so I missed booster shots and had untreated cavities.
In raising my own DD, I have basically done the opposite of everything she did. My older DD who is now a young adult often states that she had a great childhood.

[Anonymous]

I'm very close with both my parents and feel they did an excellent job raising me. I speak to my mom at least 3-4 days a week (would be more but for our respective schedules) and email at least daily. She's my closest friend at this point in my life and has supported me through some very tough times. My dad has always been my biggest cheerleader and we are very much alike. We're actually taking a father-daughter vacation together this summer, just the two of us.

What I remember most is both of them encouraging me and supporting me to pursue my interests, but not being afraid to let me fail and discover my strengths and weaknesses on my own. They never attempted to rescue me from my mistakes.

We spent a ton of time together as a family growing up. We had family dinners every night unless my parents were going on a date or one of us kids was invited to a friend's house for dinner.

My parents set limits and would likely be perceived as fairly strict, but they seemed to be very similar to my friends' parents, so I didn't know any different. We had curfews, they would never let us go to someone's house without speaking to the parents first to make sure they would be home (much to my chagrin as a late teenager), and our family came first. They also set high expectations for us and were able to effect parenting with very few punishments. The last punishment I remember having was as a 5 year old when I got sent to time out for saying something mean about the new baby as I was none-to-pleased with a new sibling.

It was always very clear in our family dynamic that they were in charge and we were the kids and our behavoir needed to conform to their expectations or they would not hesitate to have us leave and whatever caused the lapse in behavoir would be something we would not be doing again for a very long time. We were never spanked or otherwise phsyically disciplined.

I only hope that I come out of this parenting thing with kids who respect me and the way in which they were raised and appreciate all the sacrifces we have made for them, like I appreciate everything my parents did for me.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PPs. Not the OP but I had bad parents. I pretty much do the opposite of what they do but often wonder if I'm on the right track. my parents were overly harsh, for example, and I can be too flexible sometimes.

Those suggestions above and very helpful. Would like more.

[Anonymous]

I'm really close with my mom and always have been. She definitely disciplined me and definitely lost her temper (by that I just mean snapping at me or yelling, never name-calling or anything physical). But, she balanced that with lots of physical affection and praise and a genuine interest in me and all my friends. We bickered a lot but never had any serious conflicts. I tell her about all the boring stuff I have going on, all the news with my friends, and whatever big issues arise. I love to travel with her and hang out. I have a daughter and I pray she'll enjoy being with me as much as I enjoy being with my mom. I'm much less patient than my mom, though... working on it.

[Anonymous]

Mom was mom, not friend. She was a single mom, pretty strict but VERY warm and loving. We definitely bickered a lot when I was a teen and early 20s.

We are very, very close now--talk every day and she comes over to spend the night sometimes and we both love it. She is the same way with my kids.

Be the mom, okay to be firm as long as you are loving and she feels that you respect and trust her.

[Anonymous]

My mother was incredibly loving, but did not coddle us one bit. She had high expectations for good behavior and being polite to others. However, she handled any tantrums and abuse we threw her way with incredible patience and never punished us for acting our age. She was firm with discipline (by the time I came along she mostly just had to change her tone of voice and we'd all snap in line) and made it reasonable.

My father was a bit more aloof, but backed her up when push came to shove. He let her take the lead, but would never do anything undermining. He would have asked us to do what she said if we came to him to complain.

Being a team is important, even if one of you takes the lead on being a bit tougher.

Today, and really ever since I got over my bratty adolescence at about 17, I have had a WONDERFUL relationship with my mother. She was never my best friend growing up, but was a solid rock of support and very loving. But now, we are for sure very close. We still have a mom/daughter relationship (I wouldn't say we're best friends ex: we would never discuss sex) but she is hugely important in my life and I love her more than words can say. If I can parent the same way she did, I know my kids will turn out just fine.

[Anonymous]

Just want to chime in here with a word of warning.

I do not like my mother now, but have wonderful memories of a loving, nurturing mother when I was a little girl.

The problem was that she was actually very controlling and asocial, and as I grew up, she tried to shut me out of the world - she has a chronic disease, and used it to guilt me into never going out, never contacting the friends I tried to make, never going anywhere without her. At 19, I was completely dependent on my parents for everything, with social anxiety to boot.
But I did not notice that when I was little, since all I needed then was love and care.

Our children need different things from us as they grow. It's strange that as parents we need to teach those we love the most to not need us anymore and leave us eventually.

[Anonymous]

My mom was very involved (but not controlling) and much stricter than average/ protective- so yes we were disciplined but in general we didn't break many rules - sister and I call her almost daily.