If you have a great relationship with your mom, how was your childhood?

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks ladies! This parenting stuff is tough business.

[Anonymous]

DH has ALWAYS been close with his parents. He was disciplined by both equally. He tries to hide it and I won't embarrass him by demanding a firm answer but I think he talks to at least one of them almost each day.

He does not hold it against them that they disciplined him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she discipline you but still love you equally? Or not discipline at all? Was she more like a best friend or a sister instead of a mom? Did you all have talks about your day daily? Could you always go to her?

How was your childhood / relationship with her and what do you think made you all so close today?

I have a 5 yo daughter, who I love dearly. She is a wonderful child with great manners and well behaved and loved by all. Yes I discipline her a bit (more than her father, who she adores and could do no wrong) but I am terrified that she will grow up and get annoyed with me or hate me. She already glares at me sometimes when I tell her to clean her room or to mind me for some reason. I am not especially harsh on her and we get along great with walks and talks and butterflies, etc.

I just witnessed my best friends daughter who is 9 act the same way. She went up to her dad and sat with him on the side of the chair getting a hug. It melted my heart. Then my BFF stated that she is always like that with him because he never tells her no about anything and she does all of the disciplining. She said it stabs her heart that she is not that way with her.

I am starting to see the same thing in my family and wondering if I should just be a BFF to my kid and stop disciplining? What do I do? Any advice or stories are greatly appreciated!

This is going to be an unusual response, given the question, but I really want to share it. I had an amazing, unbelievably positive relationship with my mom. I also lost my mom to cancer when I was 16. I'm sure I don't need to write how devastating that was - I was so close to her, although yes, she was the main disciplinarian, but I still adored her. More on that in a moment.

In the years after losing her, I would come to understand that even though I only had her for those 16 yrs, I was one of the luckiest daughters ever because she was an astounding mom. Let's put it this way: I have my issues, but even at 16, one thing I did NOT have to process was her abandoning me. I knew, even at that still-pretty-young age, that my mom didn't choose to leave me, that she had no choice and that she loved me more than I could ever describe. I still had to deal with my world turning upside down in many ways, but I never felt she left me, and I always knew and still know she loves me.

That said, she did discipline me. And now, as the mother of a 5 yr old daughter myself, but also as someone who's worked in child welfare for more than 15 years, I understand that it's not the discipline that drives kids away... yes, when they're young, some kids do prefer the parent who is always easy, always "fun", and never disciplines. But that is a conversation for you to have wiht your husband. Sometimes you simply are not going to be the fun parent. But your daughter should not at all grow up mad at you or with anger issues IF your discipline is always clear, fair, and never out of anger. If you snap at your daughter or say little cutting things... that's a whole different story. That's not about discipline, that's about being mean and that probably won't progress well later in life. But I remember every single spanking I got (yes, I got spanked), but I also remember why and my mom explained to me why each time. ANd when I think about the things I did... yeah, they were pretty bad those times. I got it then, and I really really understand it now. And even if I was mad or hurt in the moment, it never made me question whether she loved me.

So, I guess the last thing I'll say is this: my mom was incredibly kind, she trusted my judgement and gave me lots of opportunities to try things out and succeed/fail on my own, but she was always super supportive. She bought me albums of bands that played music she couldn't stand, because I liked them (she did lyric checks though). She encouraged me to wear what I wanted to (age-appropriate), but when I wanted to wear shoe laces in my hair, she said "go for it" and bought me more shoe laces. But if I was unkind do someone, or I didn't listen, or I did something really bad, I absolutely got disciplined.

And then she passed away. And right before the funeral, one of my best friends from high school found me in the bathroom at the funeral home sitting alone crying. She came over and cried with me, and then said the most awful thing but it really put things in perspective for me: through her tears she said "Why did this happen to you? You liked your mom! Why couldn't it have been MY mom?" And I just stopped, and realized, wow, even though I only had my mom for 16 years, I am still one of the luckiest kids in the world because she was amazing. How heartbreaking that a girl would say that about their mom? But her mom wasn't just strict, she could be mean, so that is where that came from.

Fair, clear, consistent discipline is good for a child. It only gets ugly when you do it out of anger, exhaustion, insecurity, or some other thing that is not simply about what your child did that is seriously not ok. Your daughter may prefer your husband because he's more fun and less serious, but trust me, when she's older she'll understand why you did what you did and appreciate you for it. And maybe it's time to talk to your husband about what he lets her get away with and the impact on all 3 of you?

Take care OP, sorry this is so long!

[Anonymous]

Ooops, me again ^^ forgot a key thing: parents should NOT be their children's BFFs. No, no and no. A great parent-child relationship will have fun, and easy times, and be joyous, but you canNOT overlook problematic behavior because you are worried you'll offend or drive away your child. You are a parent first, and good parents cannot lose sight of that.

As I said above I have worked in child welfare for 15+ years. I have seen parents who prefer to be their kids' BFF (sometimes becuase the parent is young, sometimes because they just hate for people - even their own kids - to be mad at them). I was just talking to an adult cousin of mine about another cousin and his 19 yr old daughter, who he's always tried to be BFFs with. And she is a wreck, no ambition, has a social life no one knows anything about... still lives at home, is hugely disrespectful and abusive to everyone, and expects everyone to take care of her.

In other words, he has only done damage by "parenting by being friends", because now he's realizing how much he set her up to be irresponsible.

Sometimes being a parent (especially a mom!) can be so thankless, even for years it can feel thankless. It seems unfair that we might be old or gone before our kids really understand why we did what we did and appreciate it, but so it must be. We have to raise the most self-sufficient, kind, healthy, sane kids we can, and if we can have a good time and play with them as we do it, so much the better. But it's often an un-fun job. Although... the better we do it from early on, the more fun it is!

[Anonymous]

I had a wonderful childhood. My mom and dad are very loving and supportive. There was a strong sense of right and wrong instilled in us. My siblings and I love them and each other very much. We (siblings and I) are in our 50's and parents are in late 70s.

My siblings and I talk to our parents every day. We also know what is happening with each others lives from our parents. Siblings talk to each other at least once a week. Thankfully, we all have married spouses who get along with each other, and my parents love their DILs and Son-in-law. As a family we have been tested again and again, and I have been able to witness how amazing everyone has been when the chips are down. My family is my biggest strength.

I think a lot of credit goes to my mom and dad. My parents have excellent relationships with all their kids, their spouses and their grandkids. My mom will talk to all her grandkids and she knows the minutia of their lives too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she discipline you but still love you equally? Or not discipline at all? Was she more like a best friend or a sister instead of a mom? Did you all have talks about your day daily? Could you always go to her?

How was your childhood / relationship with her and what do you think made you all so close today?

I have a 5 yo daughter, who I love dearly. She is a wonderful child with great manners and well behaved and loved by all. Yes I discipline her a bit (more than her father, who she adores and could do no wrong) but I am terrified that she will grow up and get annoyed with me or hate me. She already glares at me sometimes when I tell her to clean her room or to mind me for some reason. I am not especially harsh on her and we get along great with walks and talks and butterflies, etc.

I just witnessed my best friends daughter who is 9 act the same way. She went up to her dad and sat with him on the side of the chair getting a hug. It melted my heart. Then my BFF stated that she is always like that with him because he never tells her no about anything and she does all of the disciplining. She said it stabs her heart that she is not that way with her.

I am starting to see the same thing in my family and wondering if I should just be a BFF to my kid and stop disciplining? What do I do? Any advice or stories are greatly appreciated!

This is going to be an unusual response, given the question, but I really want to share it. I had an amazing, unbelievably positive relationship with my mom. I also lost my mom to cancer when I was 16. I'm sure I don't need to write how devastating that was - I was so close to her, although yes, she was the main disciplinarian, but I still adored her. More on that in a moment.

In the years after losing her, I would come to understand that even though I only had her for those 16 yrs, I was one of the luckiest daughters ever because she was an astounding mom. Let's put it this way: I have my issues, but even at 16, one thing I did NOT have to process was her abandoning me. I knew, even at that still-pretty-young age, that my mom didn't choose to leave me, that she had no choice and that she loved me more than I could ever describe. I still had to deal with my world turning upside down in many ways, but I never felt she left me, and I always knew and still know she loves me.

That said, she did discipline me. And now, as the mother of a 5 yr old daughter myself, but also as someone who's worked in child welfare for more than 15 years, I understand that it's not the discipline that drives kids away... yes, when they're young, some kids do prefer the parent who is always easy, always "fun", and never disciplines. But that is a conversation for you to have wiht your husband. Sometimes you simply are not going to be the fun parent. But your daughter should not at all grow up mad at you or with anger issues IF your discipline is always clear, fair, and never out of anger. If you snap at your daughter or say little cutting things... that's a whole different story. That's not about discipline, that's about being mean and that probably won't progress well later in life. But I remember every single spanking I got (yes, I got spanked), but I also remember why and my mom explained to me why each time. ANd when I think about the things I did... yeah, they were pretty bad those times. I got it then, and I really really understand it now. And even if I was mad or hurt in the moment, it never made me question whether she loved me.

So, I guess the last thing I'll say is this: my mom was incredibly kind, she trusted my judgement and gave me lots of opportunities to try things out and succeed/fail on my own, but she was always super supportive. She bought me albums of bands that played music she couldn't stand, because I liked them (she did lyric checks though). She encouraged me to wear what I wanted to (age-appropriate), but when I wanted to wear shoe laces in my hair, she said "go for it" and bought me more shoe laces. But if I was unkind do someone, or I didn't listen, or I did something really bad, I absolutely got disciplined.

And then she passed away. And right before the funeral, one of my best friends from high school found me in the bathroom at the funeral home sitting alone crying. She came over and cried with me, and then said the most awful thing but it really put things in perspective for me: through her tears she said "Why did this happen to you? You liked your mom! Why couldn't it have been MY mom?" And I just stopped, and realized, wow, even though I only had my mom for 16 years, I am still one of the luckiest kids in the world because she was amazing. How heartbreaking that a girl would say that about their mom? But her mom wasn't just strict, she could be mean, so that is where that came from.

Fair, clear, consistent discipline is good for a child. It only gets ugly when you do it out of anger, exhaustion, insecurity, or some other thing that is not simply about what your child did that is seriously not ok. Your daughter may prefer your husband because he's more fun and less serious, but trust me, when she's older she'll understand why you did what you did and appreciate you for it. And maybe it's time to talk to your husband about what he lets her get away with and the impact on all 3 of you?

Take care OP, sorry this is so long!

I know its hormones pushing me over the edge, because I'm still BF and dealing with going back to work and pumping (I should call that thing the crying machine, it always releases this rush of hormonal feelings when I do it!) BUT, this made me truly tear up. Beautiful. My best friend lost her mom last year and is expecting her 1st child, it hits home and you are amazing for helping with your story.

[Anonymous]

I have a great relationship with my (step)mom but it took years of work on both our parts to get to that point. She came into my life when I was a pre-teen, not too long after I lost my mom. She did let my dad take some of the lead in rules/raising me, but he was very strict and she would step in when she felt he was being too harsh. I wouldn't call her lenient and she never tried to be my friend, the way some stepmothers do. She and my dad almost always showed a unified front, which helped a lot. When she intervened on my behalf (things like curfew on prom night) she did it behind closed doors and then they both reported back to me on their decision. Of course, as a teenager, I went through a lot of the normal step-family resentment stuff, but we've moved past that as adults.

My parents' big thing was always, "we're a family, and families work together." Sometimes that meant I had to do things I didn't want to do, but I always saw everyone (siblings, half siblings, parents) treated exactly the same way and expected to contribute to chores/spend time together at certain events. I really value that approach now.

My (step)mom lives far away now, but she is the one person I can count on for anything. I love my dad and I know he loves me, but I wouldn't say we're close...he's very introverted and doesn't show emotions easily, although he's getting better about it with age. So my (step)mom is really my go-to support system. I'm as close with her as I am with my sister, sometimes even more so. I still miss my real mom but I'm very blessed that I've had two wonderful "moms" in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she discipline you but still love you equally? Or not discipline at all? Was she more like a best friend or a sister instead of a mom? Did you all have talks about your day daily? Could you always go to her?

How was your childhood / relationship with her and what do you think made you all so close today?

I have a 5 yo daughter, who I love dearly. She is a wonderful child with great manners and well behaved and loved by all. Yes I discipline her a bit (more than her father, who she adores and could do no wrong) but I am terrified that she will grow up and get annoyed with me or hate me. She already glares at me sometimes when I tell her to clean her room or to mind me for some reason. I am not especially harsh on her and we get along great with walks and talks and butterflies, etc.

I just witnessed my best friends daughter who is 9 act the same way. She went up to her dad and sat with him on the side of the chair getting a hug. It melted my heart. Then my BFF stated that she is always like that with him because he never tells her no about anything and she does all of the disciplining. She said it stabs her heart that she is not that way with her.

I am starting to see the same thing in my family and wondering if I should just be a BFF to my kid and stop disciplining? What do I do? Any advice or stories are greatly appreciated!

I am very close with my mom (MIL, too, actually). I had a very good childhood, my parents were divorced, lived with my mom, and did provide discipline. My dd does what yours does and we are very close, DD is 9. My DH provides discipline as do I. Listen, try not to take it personally. Mother/daughter relationships can be fraught with high emotions, you see yourselves in each other and you are trying to work through it. Father/daughter relationships, in my estimation, are more like romances(not sexual)...the dynamic is just DIFFERENT. Not better, not worse, just different. Plus, you want to remember that you want to keep open the lines of communication, but your goal is not to be your DD'S friend. Your relationship can be FRIENDLY, but you are still her parent. You want to provide security, guidance, wisdom, in a loving context. You will be her safe haven thru life. Right now she is a kid, she's fickle. Model and Require Respect, do not expect her to be lovey dovey all the time and most of all: DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a great relationship with my mom now. And she was really clear growing up that she was my mom, not my friend. Frankly, I think that's why we have such a good relationship now. She was strict, but not harsh, and her expectations were always clear and fair. She was also very affectionate and loving and proud of us. I might have told her I didn't like her when I was a kid, but I felt so, so safe with her. I knew that I could count on her.

It helped that my dad did not play good cop-bad cop--he always backed up my mom and enforced the house rules himself.

Now, as an adult, my mom and I have a great relationship, and we enjoy each other's company a lot. I'd say we are friends now that we are adults, but a kid and a parent can't really be friends, because they aren't equals. But if you discipline with fairness and respect, you are setting the stage for equality and friendship later in life.

This was my experience as well.

[Anonymous]

I could not imagine loving my mom more than I do. I am very close with her and confide everything to her. However, I don't think she's perfect and I admit she has flaws, but overall she is one of the best people I have ever met. I'm trying to be like her in my parenting (of DD and DS).

Some of the biggest things I think affected our relationship growing up:

1. She was tough (a good disciplinarian) but fair (never punished without letting us know why).
2. She rarely lost her temper, even when we were testing her. She was able to be calm and rational about our actions.
3. She let us deal with the consequences of our actions from an early age.
4. She was extremely affectionate and loving, and told us every day (and showed us through her actions!) how much she loved us.
5. She spent a LOT of time with us. As a working mom, she probably had like 5 minutes to herself the whole day. But she never made us feel like she wanted to be anywhere else but with us -- she never complained about not having "me time" and she always did fun, educational things with us (like teaching us how to cook, or change a light fixture, or to identify native plants).
6. She had confidence in us and let us try (and fail) on our own.
7. She supported our dreams and let us try things as long as we stuck with them for a year or more (piano, dance, karate, etc).
8. She was frugal and showed her love through attention and experiences rather than objects and toys.
9. She trusted us and our judgment and we repaid that trust over and over because we couldn't bear to disappoint someone who obviously worked so hard and loved us so much.

Honestly, I love my dad, too, but I don't have as close a relationship with him because he was sometimes verbally abusive and yelled quite a bit when angry (which would upset my mom, even though he was yelling at us (not her) and OH BOY you did not upset my mom in front of me and my siblings, we did NOT take kindly to someone upsetting our absolute favorite person in the world!). He did a lot of the same things as my mom in the "good" column, but I really think losing your temper and acting irrationally affects your relationship with your kids a lot.

I was not BFFs with my mom growing up, I don't even think that was a "thing" then -- she punished us when we were bad and what she said, went (she didn't listen to whining or manipulation), but I always, always felt a tremendous love from and for her, no matter what. I am actually tearing up because I am thinking about what a special part of my life that is -- the fact that she so unconditionally loves me, while still doing the hard work of disciplining and parenting for so many years (and especially staying calm through all the trying moments) has given me a deep feeling of happiness and peace I have carried with me through life.

[Anonymous]

I have many friends who spouses behave like this. They pop in for fun and do not discipline. I find the "vacation parent" role to be new.

When I grew up mom was tough but dad was tougher. If mom said "wait until your father gets home!" we were in fear. My parents didn't spank much (1 time I remember and not me). But their power came from the fact that they meant what they said and said what they meant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be an unusual response, given the question, but I really want to share it. I had an amazing, unbelievably positive relationship with my mom. I also lost my mom to cancer when I was 16. I'm sure I don't need to write how devastating that was - I was so close to her, although yes, she was the main disciplinarian, but I still adored her. More on that in a moment.

In the years after losing her, I would come to understand that even though I only had her for those 16 yrs, I was one of the luckiest daughters ever because she was an astounding mom. Let's put it this way: I have my issues, but even at 16, one thing I did NOT have to process was her abandoning me. I knew, even at that still-pretty-young age, that my mom didn't choose to leave me, that she had no choice and that she loved me more than I could ever describe. I still had to deal with my world turning upside down in many ways, but I never felt she left me, and I always knew and still know she loves me.

That said, she did discipline me. And now, as the mother of a 5 yr old daughter myself, but also as someone who's worked in child welfare for more than 15 years, I understand that it's not the discipline that drives kids away... yes, when they're young, some kids do prefer the parent who is always easy, always "fun", and never disciplines. But that is a conversation for you to have wiht your husband. Sometimes you simply are not going to be the fun parent. But your daughter should not at all grow up mad at you or with anger issues IF your discipline is always clear, fair, and never out of anger. If you snap at your daughter or say little cutting things... that's a whole different story. That's not about discipline, that's about being mean and that probably won't progress well later in life. But I remember every single spanking I got (yes, I got spanked), but I also remember why and my mom explained to me why each time. ANd when I think about the things I did... yeah, they were pretty bad those times. I got it then, and I really really understand it now. And even if I was mad or hurt in the moment, it never made me question whether she loved me.

So, I guess the last thing I'll say is this: my mom was incredibly kind, she trusted my judgement and gave me lots of opportunities to try things out and succeed/fail on my own, but she was always super supportive. She bought me albums of bands that played music she couldn't stand, because I liked them (she did lyric checks though). She encouraged me to wear what I wanted to (age-appropriate), but when I wanted to wear shoe laces in my hair, she said "go for it" and bought me more shoe laces. But if I was unkind do someone, or I didn't listen, or I did something really bad, I absolutely got disciplined.

And then she passed away. And right before the funeral, one of my best friends from high school found me in the bathroom at the funeral home sitting alone crying. She came over and cried with me, and then said the most awful thing but it really put things in perspective for me: through her tears she said "Why did this happen to you? You liked your mom! Why couldn't it have been MY mom?" And I just stopped, and realized, wow, even though I only had my mom for 16 years, I am still one of the luckiest kids in the world because she was amazing. How heartbreaking that a girl would say that about their mom? But her mom wasn't just strict, she could be mean, so that is where that came from.

Fair, clear, consistent discipline is good for a child. It only gets ugly when you do it out of anger, exhaustion, insecurity, or some other thing that is not simply about what your child did that is seriously not ok. Your daughter may prefer your husband because he's more fun and less serious, but trust me, when she's older she'll understand why you did what you did and appreciate you for it. And maybe it's time to talk to your husband about what he lets her get away with and the impact on all 3 of you?

Take care OP, sorry this is so long!

I know its hormones pushing me over the edge, because I'm still BF and dealing with going back to work and pumping (I should call that thing the crying machine, it always releases this rush of hormonal feelings when I do it!) BUT, this made me truly tear up. Beautiful. My best friend lost her mom last year and is expecting her 1st child, it hits home and you are amazing for helping with your story.

Thanks, it means a lot to me that you said that.