Grandparents as primary child care

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have advice about using grandparents as the primary source of childcare? We had assumed that we would use a daycare because we don't have local family. However, my parents are suggesting that one or both of them would be willing to relocate temporarily to help out. I think this would only be for the first few months - possibly for the first year at most. I am not even sure what to think about when making this decision. Other than living arrangements, what are the pros and cons of this sort of arrangement? This will be my first child and my parent's first grandchild. Both my husband and I work, but with semi-flexible schedules.

[Anonymous]

You, your husband, and parents need to think long and hard about this. Taking care of an infant full time is exhausting. How fit are your parents--physically and emotionally? Are they mentally young or old? Whose parenting philosophy is going to be followed during the day? Will there be monetary compensation? Where will your parents sleep?

So many things to think about. Good luck and no matter what happens its really nice that your parents offered.

[Anonymous]

My mom relocated temporarily to care for DD for the first year. It's gone as well as I think it possibly could have, but my mother is very different from many grandmothers in that she completely respects and follows our parenting rules, stays out of my marriage, and often does her own thing outside of childcare hours. She and my husband also get along incredibly well. We do pay her, which I think is good, because I feel more comfortable saying how I want things done, and I'm not sure I would if she were taking care of my daughter for free. It's allowed my daughter to have one-on-one care with someone I really trust and who I know loves her like crazy. We also haven't had to deal with missing work constantly because the baby got sick at daycare.

That said, there are some drawbacks. First, my mom is in her 50s, so much younger than many grandparents, but taking care of my daughter is still tiring for her.

The biggest drawback, and what has made the situation hard, is the lack of alone time that we are now faced with. Before my mom lived with us, when my husband worked late or went out, I would have the house to myself. I no longer do. My husband and I also no longer have our evenings alone together either. This caused some strain for us for a little while until we recognized what was going on. The lack of individual alone time is still an issue, and a big one for me since I really need my alone time.

While I'm glad my mom stayed with us and took care of the baby, I am looking forward to having it just be my immediate family in the house when she returns home.

[Anonymous]

There's a lot of pros and cons to this...

- how well do you get along with each other?
- would you pay them or not?
- would there be set rules as to how to discipline, comfort, feed etc. children?
- does their parenting style match yours?
- are they fit to do it, mentally and physically?
- where would they live and how would that works with your private life?
- what if something goes wrong? Do you think they handle criticism well?

Etc. etc. It's a very difficult decision to make and a hard question to give advice on, because we know neither you nor them. I probably wouldn't do it - but I can totally see it working great for certain families I know. Generally, the better your relationship with them, the more likely you will be to works things out. But one thing, if you decide for it: PAY THEM.

[vander]

I think that when family can watch your child that is great. It would be wonderful if they could relocate to help you out.

[Anonymous]

Would consider for part time only, ie child goes to preschool in the mornings and grandparents pick up after naptime. They are only on from about 3-6, and not the whole day.

[Anonymous]

My mom lives with us and helps with child care. It's been amazing - my mom loves being with the kids, they adore her and my husband and I get some much-needed help. However, my mom and I are very close and get along great and don't have any drama. She also gets along really well with my husband. That's all very important. We do not have her provide full-time child care. It would be far too exhausting. She watched my second-born for a couple months when I first went back to work full-time until a spot opened in day care. So I think it could work for an infant if they are up for it. But by 10 months or so when the kid starts getting really mobile, it's so physically draining.

I hope my mom never leaves. She's helpful to us 24-7 -- takes the kids to school, picks them up, is there for sick days and when we have to work late or travel. She also does laundry and grocery shopping. I have not done either of those things in two years, which is such a luxury and allows me to spend all my free time really being with my kids and not running errands or doing chores.

My mom's bedroom is in a separate part of the house and we love having her good humor and example of patient loving care around all the time. But she also will go out on weekends a lot to do stuff for herself and also to give us some time together.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest no more than 2x week. You do not want to exhaust your mother - signed, a loving 50yr old.

[Anonymous]

If you and DH have flexible schedules that might allow for the hours that your mom is solely responsible to be limited, this might work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest no more than 2x week. You do not want to exhaust your mother - signed, a loving 50yr old.

+1

SILs wore out MIL, or MIL just hates kids, not sure which. But MIL never sees her youngest grandkids.

[Anonymous]

I do part-time day care and MIL takes care of DC the rest of the time. Some daycares do half days and/or certain days of the week. I called 20+ daycare centers before having a list of 6 that offered part-time infant care. We only got a spot in time for DC's 3 month birthday at one of the daycares.
Also, home day cares don't offer part-time care, although they said it was fine if I paid full price and just sent DC part-time.

[Anonymous]

My MIL cares for my kids a few days a week and has for a few years now. Both of my kids are now in half-day pre-school so it's nice that she only has a few hours a day but you won't be able to do that with an infant. But she did care for them all day before they went to school and it's worked out great. However, my ILs are local so they have active social lives outside of our kids. If your parents are moving here just for you, you will be their only "entertainment". That might be a little exhausting. In fact, we rarely, if ever, see my ILs on the weekend because she sees the grandkids all week.

I agree with others that if your parents aren't on the younger side, you need to consider their physical limitations. My MIL is in her late 50s so it hasn't been that bad for her but I know she does get tired and I think she is a bit relieved that it is only half-days now that they are in pre-school. We offered to pay her from the beginning and she laughed at us. She said she would just put it into a college fund so that is what we do with the money we're saving.

Having said all of that, you do need to consider the relationship you have with your parents. Are they the nagging type who will criticize everything you do? Do they meddle in everything i.e your marriage? My MIL is extremely laid-back and we have never had any issues with how she is caring for the kids (but I am pretty laid back too so I don't have very strict 'rules'). It has worked out wonderfully and I will be forever grateful to my MIL for what she has done for us. I was very close to my grandparents growing up and want my kids to have the same relationship so I love this arrangement.

Congrats OP and good luck with everything!

[Anonymous]

PP here--based on the post before mine, I guess you can do part-time daycare for infants (I thought that was nearly impossible to find but maybe not). If you can do that, I think that would be great. Then, maybe you can transition your baby to full-time care at the same center once your mom goes back home.

[Anonymous]

My MIL lived with us for our baby's first year. It went well and I have no complaints. It was nice on the days when my DH worked late, to have someone to talk to. My advice would be to use her for childcare while you are at work only. She doesn't want to watch your baby all day and then be the weekend/evening babysitter when you go out for dinner. I wouldn't expect anything else from her (cooking you dinner every night or cleaning your house). It worked great for us. Our DD got great care and it saved us thousands of dollars but just don't take advantage of the situation.

[Anonymous]

As a cautionary tale, here's a column from Carolyn Hax about in-laws that moved in but never moved out.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-getting-past-a-husbands-hurtful-stand-on-family-finances-and-shared-burdens/2014/05/22/6019feea-d564-11e3-aae8-c2d44bd79778_story.html