Help me end this problem - MIL laments not seeing grandchild, though chooses not to?

[Anonymous]

MIL lives near us and likes to see her only grandchild, my 1 yo DS. Weekly, she will ask when she can see him.

I say, "Great, when would you like to see him?" MIL will then explain that she is busy! Busy busy busy! I say "Okay, wow! you sound busy!" Then I get periodic text messages where she tells me how much she misses him followed by how busy she is! A pet peeve of mine is when people are just so BUSY all the time and have to tell me about it! These text messages generally continue throughout the week, until she decides to show up at my house with no notice. She'll tell me she's down the street and can she stop by? I can't hide that I'm home, because the car sits very obviously out front. So then she wants to come over and see DS and now I'm hosting her, but generally ignored while she exclusively talks to DS. I'm a huge introvert and would prefer to not have these visits in our small living space especially if they could be avoided. While she's there she'll explain that she just doesn't have much time! (because obviously busy busy busy). Then she'll leave and lament how she doesn't get to see him enough and she doesn't know when she'll get to see him again because she's BUSY. And if we areout of town for a week? Well then she's sad that she can't see him while we are out of town.

She is self employed wth a part time business that she owns (think something freelance like a chef/catering/etc). Work is more of a hobby at this point in her life - not a source of income/need. So she is choosing to work instead of see DS. Which is fine!!!! I do not expect her to see, raise, sit, watch, entertain my child! Just wish that she would pick her priorities and stick with them. If she wants to work every day and then socialize all weekend long, good for her! But stop telling me how much you miss my kid. He's here! You just choose to do other things! (rant over.)

Additionally she and her husband have decided to retire and move abroad. Move will occur within the next 12 months. They have purchased a house and close this month. So part of me thinks this is obviously a short term problem as this back and forth cannot exist after they move. So I should just suck it up and deal with it as she means well.

The other part of me wants to find a way to encourage structure to these visits so I can stop this game of texting and her cycle of emotions involving missing DC and not seeing him. IE DS is available every Friday from x-x, let me know if Friday works. I can drop him off at your house. However that seems indelicate and pushy. It sounds like I am demanding free childcare.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

"What would you do? "

Learn how to be a better writer.

[Anonymous]

a) she doesn't want structure, she wants to drop in whenever; that's part of her "busy busy" thing.

b) she feels guilty that she doesn't want to be more engaged with her grandchild, and she's projecting that feeling onto you and thinking she needs to make excuses for not seeing him more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"What would you do? "

Learn how to be a better writer.

Says the person reading DCUM. If you are looking for quality literary sources, may I suggest you stop trolling internet forums? If you insist on being here and making your presence known, perhaps you can use your undoubtedly impeccable writing skills to address the issue.

[Anonymous]

Let DH talk to her and he will set up a date/time for her to come over. He needs to tell her the dropping in unannounced is rude and will stop. If she does it, you will NOT ansaer the door.

[Anonymous]

Answer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"What would you do? "

Learn how to be a better writer.

Rude, stupid comment, PP. Do you really have nothing better to do than troll every thread and call everyone a bad writer? You do this all the time and it is so boring. I found OP's post really entertaining and well-written, and I'm an editor, which I suspect you are not if you found her post badly written.

OP: It sounds to me like your MIL just doesn't like to commit and wants to keep on winging her visits at her convenience. Can you try making it clear that while she's is welcome at your house, you would like and expect prior notice for her visits? To enforce this, from now on, when she shows up in your driveway, just text back: "Oh, I'm so sorry, we're just heading out the door for a playdate/dentist appointment/whatever. But we'd love to see you, so let's make an advance plan for later this week. What day and time work for you?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a) she doesn't want structure, she wants to drop in whenever; that's part of her "busy busy" thing.

b) she feels guilty that she doesn't want to be more engaged with her grandchild, and she's projecting that feeling onto you and thinking she needs to make excuses for not seeing him more.

+1. My thoughts exactly.

[Anonymous]

my MIL does not live close but does something very similar to me/us. I think PP hit the nail on the head when she said MIL is trying to project guilt feelings about not wanting to be more involved. My MIL is very nice but actually very rejecting. She is very introverted so when she's with her grandchildren, I not only stand down but offer to leave her with them (fed, changed, so not needing anything). But she hands back the baby and says the older one has "a lot of energy". and she's a really healthy 60 yr old! Let it go, let it go...

[Anonymous]

When she comes over, just leave her with your kid and get some other shit done. "Oh, Larla, we'd love for you to stop by! I've got a ton of X to do and it would great to have someone play with Larlo while I get some chores done!" I mean, if she's not going to give you advance notice, she can hardly complain that you're busy.

And she's moving, so this is a problem with a built-in solution.

[Anonymous]

She may want to see him weekly, but you are not responsible for making that happen, nor are you responsible for managing her feelings.

Offer specific invitations for times that work for you, whether that's asking her to come over for an hour while you fold laundry and empty the dishwasher or whatever, or sharing a meal while DH is home, or whatever. Every 2-3 weeks seems fine for such an event to occur. If you get fed up, let DH handle it and drop any expectation that you're responsible.

Meanwhile, if she asks to drop by, just say it's not a good time. "Oh, we were just about to head out for some errands" or "DS is about to go down for his nap." "Gosh, it would be great if we could plan something in advance, but this just isn't a good time." Say no each and every time. You may have to say something directly, but I bet this will solve most of it.

[Anonymous]

Stop being so open-ended. Instead of saying "Great, when would you like to come over?" you need to say "Great, how about tomorrow at 5pm for dinner" or "Great, we're going to the park tomorrow afternoon at 3pm if you'd like to join us then."

Just because you're home doesn't mean you have to allow anyone who stops by, in. Nothing wrong with saying "Oh, I wish I'd know you were going to be in the neighborhood! Now isn't a good time though. We're going to the park tomorrow at 3 if you'd like to meet us then."

Get in control and set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, clearly need to set boundaries and be assertive. I thought that by giving her a lot of opportunities to see him, I was increasing the chances of her finding the time. Seems like I was just feeding the beast.

[Anonymous]

My husband is responsible for scheduling time for his mother to see her only grandchild. She sees our daughter maybe 4 times per year. Why? Because neither can be bothered to make a plan. The visits happen on major holidays because I plan them.

[Anonymous]

Use the time that she shows up to do laundry or run an errand. Otherwise ignore her texts. Answer only one in three or four. "Let me know when you'd like to come by".