Just told my children very bad news . . . will they be ok

[Anonymous]

I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and my prognosis is not very good. My wife and I told our children today since I will be starting chemo on Wednesday. My Doctor's office gave us some resources to help tell the children for which I am grateful. As you can imagine the conversation did not go very well. I am not looking for sympathy. I am seeking out other families that have been through something similar. I want to understand what this is going to do to my children. This is going to be very hard on them especially the oldest. How do i make this easier on them? I am at a loss here . . . any advice is appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP.

How old are your children? Area?

Are there hospice networks that can connect you?

[Anonymous]

Thank you 00:22. OP here, they are young 13 and 7. Sorry I guess I should have put that in my first post. I just reread what I posted and it does not really make sense without their ages.

[Anonymous]

My mom was diagnosed with leukemia when I was eight and I still remember the night she and my dad told us (four kids). You are right, it was hard, and even now, 30 years later, makes me a little nauseous thinking about it. But...they will be ok, eventually. Their lives will never be exactly the same, but regardless of the outcome of your treatment they will learn strength in the face of adversity. A couple of things that helped us: therapy - we did it as a group, I hated it and protested the whole time (4 years, while she was sick and after she died) but it was important. Also, my mom wrote me a letter the night before she went to the hospital for her first round of chemo. I read it so many times I inadvertently memorized it. It was short but focused on how much she loved me. Each of us got one. We also took family photos. I still have mine.
OP I am so sorry - you and your family will be in my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Try to do something special one on one with them. Something they will cherish. It doesnt have to be the same thing with each child.

My DH isnt sick but he takes our DD to workshops at Lowes or Home depot. She loves their time together and its something she will cherish when she is older.

Make sure they know it is ok to be angry, sad, etc. They shoud go to counseling and feel comfortable talking to both of you about this.

From an early age we talked about death in my family. It is not something to be feared. It is a natural part of life.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, op. My mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer when I was 13. I carried it as a big secret and never told my friends. I definitely could have used some therapy to help me deal with.

My parents weren't very open about what was happening, so I was in the dark when she went in and out of remission. I think maybe they thought they'd see if I asked, but I didn't. They were not from the US originally, and I think culturally they were more inclined to not discuss illness. I think I'd have been better served by a bit more openness about it.

Are you familiar with Randy Pausch? He was a professor at Carnegie Mellon, where they have a tradition of giving a "last lecture" - what you would talk about if it were your last lecture. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, so it ended up being a real "last lecture". Very moving, and turned into a book by a Wall Street Journal reporter. I think he's really a model for how to face such a thing with dignity.

Again, very sorry for you and your whole family. My heart goes out to you all.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. If you are comfortable, I would strongly consider sharing this information with the counselor at your children's school. Your children spend over 6 hours a day at school and probably have close relationships there. Giving the school a heads up that the kids are dealing with a pretty intense situation would help them be ready.

[Anonymous]

My brother's wife was diagnosed with lung cancer (not a smoker!) when the children were 3 and 6. She struggled for a year and half before passing away. You're kids are much older. It took years for my brother to recover (emotionally) but children with the right support structure do fine. Make sure you and your wife still make them feel like kids and do some of the same things that you've always done so your illness isn't the only thing going on. It's been 6 years, and they are fine.
As indelicate as this sounds (and when the time is right), you may want them to know that its ok for mommy to find another loving husband and it's ok for them to have a new dad. Children struggle with feeling they need to be loyal to a dead parent.

[Anonymous]

Praying for you, OP and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Keep the kids out of school tomorrow. Go get family photos done before chemo dramatically alters your appearance. Then go out to lunch and go do something you all enjoy. Spend an hour with each kid one on one and tell them that you are so sorry that you are sick, but that you love them and you will do everything you can to get better. Tell them that they might feel scared, sad, angry, whatever and that those are all allowed. Give them each a big hug.

In the next few days, notify teachers, activity leaders, school counselors, religious leaders, etc. who might be abme to help smooth things for your kids during a rocky time. You should also look for a family therapist. Wishing you and your family lots of peace!

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, OP. One thing I learned from watching a close friend go through this in my childhood, is try to be as normal of a parent as you can be. Don't be afraid to say no, make them do their chores, argue over whether it's okay to go to x movie, etc.

I remember being over my friend's house when her mother was very badly off, and at first being horrified that they were fighting over something mundane - the kind of fights that many Tweens/teens get into. But I later thought about it and realized her mom was doing the best thing that she could have - continuing to be "mom" and not just "the sick person in the bed".

The universe has dealt you a horrible hand, and I hope that you are able to fight this and win. But be the parent you intended to be for as long as you can. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

No advice, just wishing you the best. I'm sorry you are going through that.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

You can't make it easier for them OP but that doesn't mean they won't be okay. As hard as it is to see your kids so upset, they need to be able to feel what they feel and be able to talk to you about it. It is going to be hard for everyone.

Your 13 yr old may feel like they have to be really strong or they have to support others. In some ways they do need to be allowed more responsibility so that they feel like they are doing something (it gives him a bit of control) but not so much responsibility that it burdens them.

Having your kids see a counselor or therapist is a good idea as they (especially the 13 yr old) might talk about how they feel to a therapist more than to you or your wife, given they know how stressed you already are. Having someone 'neutral' to talk things through with can be a great coping strategy.

You still have fight in you and you don't know how it will turn out no matter what the prognosis. However you may want to make videos for your kids while you are still strong/well that you can leave for them. Things like your life story, memories you have of your time together, videos of conversation you want to have with them in the future (when they graduate, have a boyfriend/girlfriend etc). You hopefully will beat this and not need to leave the videos but making them while you are strong just in case can be helpful.

Another thing my family member did was to record himself reading stories (books) for each of his kids. That way his younger kids still had dad reading them a story at bedtime. (This was good even when dad was in the hospital). For the older kids he read and recorded some of his favorite novels.

Keep some structure but make allowances. Like others said, do special things - take them out of school for a daddy and me day that is just about fun.

All the best.

[Anonymous]

So sorry to hear this, OP. Wishing and your family the best.