Just told my children very bad news . . . will they be ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep the kids out of school tomorrow. Go get family photos done before chemo dramatically alters your appearance. Then go out to lunch and go do something you all enjoy. Spend an hour with each kid one on one and tell them that you are so sorry that you are sick, but that you love them and you will do everything you can to get better. Tell them that they might feel scared, sad, angry, whatever and that those are all allowed. Give them each a big hug.

In the next few days, notify teachers, activity leaders, school counselors, religious leaders, etc. who might be abme to help smooth things for your kids during a rocky time. You should also look for a family therapist. Wishing you and your family lots of peace!

I like this idea, there might not be a better time. Write letters to your children about yourself about your hopes for the future for them. Something they can hold on to when you are not here. I'm sorry OP, wishing your the best possible outcome. An acquaintance of mine lived 3 years with Pancreatic Cancer. He did some extraordinary treatments. He took the time to be with family, travel and canoe with friends and write a book.

[Anonymous]

If you could possibly delay treatment for a week or two, I'd suggest a vacation with the kids.

I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thank you all for the kind words and advice. I wrote my first post with the hope that we were on the right path.

We have always been very honest and straight forward with our children. I am grateful for the advice and will take it all to heart (the advice about being "brave" hit home for me). We want them to feel whatever they are feeling and share those thoughts and feelings (obliviously therapy is in order for that). We did a family outing today and got some really great pictures.

We decided that I will be writing the children letters and recording videos with the hopes that they will never have to see them. Tomorrow will be the day we contact their schools, many of you said the kids may want to be home with us tomorrow and I want to do that for them.

Thank you again for the thoughts and advice. I may check this thread again from time to time but I am going to concentrate my energy on my family and trying to beat this.

[Anonymous]

Op I just wanted to say you sound like a fabulous dad. I lost my mom to that monster and wanted to say join pancan. It's a great resource & will connect you with all applicable clinical trials. There are amazing success stories & people defy the odds. Can you get treated at Hopkins? Or Sibley bc that is now part of Hopkins? Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My mom died from lymphoma when I was 11 and my older brother from leukemia when I was 13. It will change them significantly, but they will likely be okay. Are they generally resilient? If they're not you may want to look for a therapist or group that focuses in building resiliency and optimism in children. Grief counseling will come later, but it's important to set them on the right path now while you're still around. My dad died when I was 24 to round of the loss of my family and I did surprisingly well. I had just started a graduate program a couple states away and had no support system there. The things I learned as a teen dealing with my mom and brother is the only reason I made it through that patch. I finished my masters with a 4.0. It wasn't easy and there were many times I just broke down, but I was able to get it together and go through the motions to keep things going because I knew it would eventually get easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom died from lymphoma when I was 11 and my older brother from leukemia when I was 13. It will change them significantly, but they will likely be okay. Are they generally resilient? If they're not you may want to look for a therapist or group that focuses in building resiliency and optimism in children. Grief counseling will come later, but it's important to set them on the right path now while you're still around. My dad died when I was 24 to round of the loss of my family and I did surprisingly well. I had just started a graduate program a couple states away and had no support system there. The things I learned as a teen dealing with my mom and brother is the only reason I made it through that patch. I finished my masters with a 4.0. It wasn't easy and there were many times I just broke down, but I was able to get it together and go through the motions to keep things going because I knew it would eventually get easier.

What an inspiring and uplifting message. You are to be admired for making it through in spite of the tremendous loss and stress you were under.

[Anonymous]

I just want to extend my prayers to you and your family. Life isn't fair, and cancer sucks. Hope you beat this monster and enjoy many special moments with your family.

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? My thoughts and prayers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom died from lymphoma when I was 11 and my older brother from leukemia when I was 13. It will change them significantly, but they will likely be okay. Are they generally resilient? If they're not you may want to look for a therapist or group that focuses in building resiliency and optimism in children. Grief counseling will come later, but it's important to set them on the right path now while you're still around. My dad died when I was 24 to round of the loss of my family and I did surprisingly well. I had just started a graduate program a couple states away and had no support system there. The things I learned as a teen dealing with my mom and brother is the only reason I made it through that patch. I finished my masters with a 4.0. It wasn't easy and there were many times I just broke down, but I was able to get it together and go through the motions to keep things going because I knew it would eventually get easier.

What an inspiring and uplifting message. You are to be admired for making it through in spite of the tremendous loss and stress you were under.

You're sweet.

OP, something else I did before I moved away for school (when the cancer was something to be handled by surgery and no chemo) was record our conversations. I'd let the voice recorder app run while we were eating or playing a game or driving in the car. I did it with a handful of people I knew I would miss. I recently listened to mine and my dad's conversations and it was sad, but it was nice to remember a normal night. I listened to us watching a Mizzou football game on a Saturday night. There was yelling and laughing and dogs barking. I am glad I have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom died of brain cancer while I was still a teen. It sucked, but I am grateful that she was straightforward about telling us the truth. I wish that she had done some of the stuff that folks have recommended here - notes for my birthday or wedding - because she didn't, and I'm always a little empty at those milestones and not being able to share with her. I think she didn't because she waited too long and then felt incapable. So be it.

But there is something she did right that I wanted to share: she kept being with me, and savoring every moment we got. I remember one day well into the 22 months of her illness/decline, she and I went out to the grocery store. I don't remember why, but what I remember is that we bought strawberries in the off season. We were a frugal family, and that wasn't a normal thing to do. But she and I sat in the car in the sunshine, and ate every single strawberry. We didn't say much, but I remember how the sun felt on my face, how peaceful it was to have her next to me, how loved I felt, how perfect those moments were even though we were in a terrible time. We never told anyone about the strawberries - my dad would have complained because they were like $5/box - but I feel like she was teaching me how to slow down and just be. I think of her every time I see strawberries, and I am so grateful that she kept teaching me lessons even in those hard days.

I am so, so sorry that you are your family are going thru this. I hope that you and your doctors will kick your cancer's ass, and that you will have a long and wonderful life.

Your posting touched me so much I am crying at my desk at work. What a wonderful memory!

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP. I lost a family member and the hardest thing is any guilt that you are left behind with. I learned a lot when my loved one died. It was very difficult for my family because my loved one was in denial right to the end and left so many things unsaid and undone. I tell my kids that if I ever die what I want the most for them is to know I want them to be happy and live a happy life and know how much I love them. I would write them a letter or journal they can always have to hear positive,encouraging, loving words from you.

[Anonymous]

Damn, OP. No words of advice for you because I've never been in this kind of situation, but I wanted to say I wish you all the best. I will be praying for you and your family. You've already given your kids the best foundation in life.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

I have no BTDT stories. I think it is a good idea to write letters to them to be opened throughout their lives, hopefully they'll never be needed.

[Anonymous]

In case you do check back OP, know that you and your family are in thoughts and prayers of many.

I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer when I was 11 and have just one suggestion to add to the others that have been offered. You mentioned that you are going to do letters and videos. Maybe this is part of what you are already thinking, but I would encourage you to include a lot about your own life. One of the things that still makes me sad (more than 30 years later) about losing my Dad is that I never got the chance to know him from an adult perspective. I would love to be able to ask him things about his childhood, hear about his prom or when he met my Mom, compare first job experiences, or get the real lowdown on the family tree. My Dad was an only child, his Mom died when I was a baby, and his Dad wasn't much of a talker, so the whole family history part is just sort of missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In case you do check back OP, know that you and your family are in thoughts and prayers of many.

I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer when I was 11 and have just one suggestion to add to the others that have been offered. You mentioned that you are going to do letters and videos. Maybe this is part of what you are already thinking, but I would encourage you to include a lot about your own life. One of the things that still makes me sad (more than 30 years later) about losing my Dad is that I never got the chance to know him from an adult perspective. I would love to be able to ask him things about his childhood, hear about his prom or when he met my Mom, compare first job experiences, or get the real lowdown on the family tree. My Dad was an only child, his Mom died when I was a baby, and his Dad wasn't much of a talker, so the whole family history part is just sort of missing.

So true. Crave to know this about my dad.