The alienation of extreme marital problems

[Anonymous]

The reason I have posted here about my extreme marital problems over the past year or more is because its just so terribly lonely to be in this position. Once problems involve emotional or other abuse, depression, addiction, etc. you start to feel so alone. Even therapists cant help, because they cant change your spouse's issues any more than you can.

Talking to friends is not possible when you cant tell them EVERYthing. You cant tell people you just know casually, even if when around them it just happens to be your mind. You cant risk making your spouse look bad. Yet inside you are broken.

I will get through all this somehow, but boy, its hard to see how. BUt I do know I will.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you need a new therapist? Not all therapists are good fits for all types of situations.

Hugs OP. Maybe you need to consider if being alone is better than being in your current situation.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel, OP. It's very lonely dealing with certain kinds of issues.

My spouse is working on his issues, and doing much better. We've built an entire support network for him. Yet I feel alone.

I've been told to join one of the anon groups for spouses, but I'm not sure I have the emotional energy to listen to any of their stories. I can't tell anyone who cares about me about the mistreatment I suffered from my spouse, or they'll get very negative about him. And he's done a complete turnaround, so he gets this one chance.

I wouldn't be giving my spouse a chance at this point, if he hadn't woken up and realized he's a mess and has done me wrong, and that he has to change the way he does everything. I hope you find some support to deal with what you're going through, OP.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel OP. I feel so alone all the time bc I can't tell anyone what's going on. I confided in my closest friend two years ago and after that things got weird and she stopped calling me - I feel like its because of him. I have no one to talk to and it's very hard to figure out a way forward without someone to act as sounding board.

[Anonymous]

I understand how hard it is to talk w/someone about your issues OP. Just to vent to someone can take the pressure off your chest!! I guess you could say that is why we are here. There is a lot of venting on here and I suspect many a posters go to bed at night feeling a little less burdened and a little more relieved, I hope.

I know that therapists cannot change your spouse, but have you thought of changing therapists? What exactly is your goal in therapy? I am sure you know it cannot be to change HIM. It should be to change how you react to HIM and how you ultimately want to have the ability to live your life w/out feeling the need to depend on HIM for whatever you feel you need HIM for.

Since he is abusive to you, I hope you know you do not have to stay w/him for life.

There is another life waiting for you out there.
And you are special and unique and deserve to live a special and unique existence w/out abuse of any kind.

It IS possible believe it or not. It is doable.

It may not be easy and it may not be able to be done overnight, but what is broken can be fixed.

You are worth so much more. You need to believe this yourself.

Once you truly believe this yourself, then you can take the bull by it's horns and take the necessary steps to take back control of your life.

Get your spirit back.

Hope this helps.

*HUGS*

Tenfold.

[Anonymous]

Complete alienation here. An absolute travesty, FUBAR and no way out unless God grants a miracle.

[Anonymous]

I went to therapy just to get it off my chest. I knew that woman couldn't help me in the slightest, but my friends were getting tired of hearing about it. I paid someone just to listen. It actually made me feel better.

[Anonymous]

PP, you miss the point. We can't even talk to our friends. That's where the feeling of alienation comes from.

[Anonymous]

There are some things that you just can't discuss with family or friends, As a previous poster pointed out it creates further alienation--this time the loss of a friend. It is soul wrenching lonliness.

[Anonymous]

I have avoided discussing my shockingly terrible relationship issues because I've been too embarrassed to admit I let someone treat me like that. We know it won't sound rational to other people.

I told a mutual friend a couple of weeks ago. She offered me a place to stay. That offer of support has made me more determined to do the hard work of refusing to be abused.

I've been getting good advice here lately. Thank you to DCUM posters. Someone telling me I'm doing a good job by taking these steps made me cry. It made me feel like I wasn't losing my mind. It helped me stop believing what he has been telling me for years. This is a good resource because people are more likely to admit it or give advice when they're anonymous.

[Anonymous]

To those who are keeping it hidden, you need to let it out. Whether it's a friend, a therapist or here on dcum you need to talk about it. Stop covering up for your spouse. Dcum is the best because you preserve anonymity but you get to feel the release of honesty. I covered up for my husband for 12 years but no more. He's pissed and embarrassed that now our whole family knows about our troubles but you know what? I feel strong and unafraid for the first time in a long time. I started with sharing on dcum, then went to my dad, then to therapy, then to a close friend.

As AA says, you're only as sick as your secrets. And as the Bible says, the truth shall set you free

[Anonymous]

I can also relate to the alienation. And PP just because you talk a out it does not mean you are any less alienated. During my marriage crisis, I was dropped like a hot potato. The invitations to parties I had gone to for the past ten years stopped. Christmas cards dwindled down to nothing. It was an incredibly difficult time. Although people said things like let me know if I can help, on the few occasions I was desperate enough to ask for help, I got turned down by some. I am on the upside now and am once again on the in its list. But I can't bring myself to accept. Honestly I am shocked at how isolating marital problems can be.

[Anonymous]

13:53 here, I'm not saying tell everyone, but don't keep it all bottled up. Finding an outlet is helpful because you can start to admit that there is a problem.

No, I can definitely imagine casual friends not wanting to hear about it and being quite mean when you get down to it. I would start with a therapist, or a domestic violence women's center. I also went to a lawyer, they were very understanding and helpful.

[Anonymous]

You're not alone, OP. Agree with the idea that you can't talk to people about it without embarrassing your spouse. Wish I had known when I was single and lonely that marriage would be the same way.

[Anonymous]

I am with the PPs who say you have to find someone to talk to. I'm going through a divorce and have confided in a couple of family members and friends, a therapist, and support group and talking has helped me clarify what I want and how to deal with situations that arise. I think I'd be in complete meltdown if I hadn't found a few trusted confidants.

So sorry all of you are in this boat.