The alienation of extreme marital problems

[Anonymous]

OP here. WOW_ thanks everyone. In the meantime, I have done exactly what I thought I could not do and told someone who is a friend to me and DH about what has been going on.

He sees it as abuse as well.

DH of course does not. Oddly he agrees he was abusive, and that is was wrong, but gets incensed when I say he has abusive thought patterns, or thinks like an abuser.

This male friend has offered to speak to DH not because I asked but because he feels compelled to based on knowing us both and hearing of what has been going on.

Having been to much counseling with DH in which he does not get it, this is something that will have, no doubt, some effect. Perhaps not a good effect. It will need to be thought of carefully. This friend is a respected person, an older male (approaching 60, DH is 48) and someone DH also himself respects.

Having outed DH to this person feels good. Its as if the pressure has been shifted a bit, the load lightened. There are a few other friends I have told, people who know DH. I have been relieved to find that this person in particular is not villifying DH and is attempting to see things from a comprehensive perspective.

Even if this person and I mutually decide to not have this intervention, I know he knows and is there for me and I feel better.

It still sucks unbelievably. I feel less humiliated though. I never EVER thought I deserved this treatment. Not for one second. DH also did not start out treating me this way. I think he has deep deep problems. He may be in too deep to dig his way out enough to be a true partner.

I dont need all the answers now. I just know that I am so completely alone anymore. And that helps.

I think I need to do my own healing and forget about DH being a part of that for now. If he is changed enough to stop the behaviors in question, that is good enough for me to at least move on internally and prepare my exit strategy while also just letting things settle. They have been excruciating for so long.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you found someone to talk to, OP. I hope I can find the same at some point. Stay strong.