Crummy "friends"

[Anonymous]

I am going through a really difficult time in my life. I have a ton of work stress, two small kids, and a marriage that is on the rocks. I am prone to depression and anxiety and am really struggling with both. I see a counselor weekly. I exercise. I try to eat well instead of reaching for junk (but sadness tastes like chocolate and there's only so much I can do about that). I don't drink or use drugs.

I don't have a huge social circle (social anxiety), but I have several friends I consider close. All of them are aware of my current struggles. None of them have done anything to check in with me, take my kids for a few hours so I can catch a break, have me over for dinner, invite me anywhere... I know everyone is busy with their own lives, but I'm really frustrated that people I call friend just "don't have the time" to spend with me. I am always the friend who is there for everybody else. I'm the friend who brings soup to sick friends, is a sounding board for frustrated/sad friends, and is always on duty when someone needs emergency childcare or breaks.

I feel like my "friends" aren't, and that's really tough to deal with. Especially with everything else that's on my plate.

[Anonymous]

Me too OP me too. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Do they know you are struggling above and beyond normal life stressors? I mean to be honest just about everyone I know has a job that sucks, a marriage that is on threads, and kids that take up all remaining time and energy. I am not trying to minimize your issues as much as highlight the fact that they might be very obvious to you but not others.

[Anonymous]

They may not realize how desperate you are feeling. It's obvious to offer that kind of help when someone is having surgery or something, but for what you've described, it's a bit less clear what is needed and what is just regular life for all of us.

Why not just drop a friend a line saying you'd love to go out with her for a relaxing evening soon?

[Anonymous]

Maybe you have a different communication style than them. You're a guesser - you want them to guess what you need from them. Maybe they are askers - they ask for what they need.

Ask for what you need from them. If you have four friends and each takes the kids so you and dh can go out for dinner for three hours once a week, that's one friend helping o ce a month. Not too. Uh to ask.

[Anonymous]

I felt like you when I was getting divorced. I felt let down by my family and friends. I did not specifically ask for the help that I wanted. I didn't call my mom to say, I'm stressed out beyond belief and could use an hour to do something for myself. I did not call my friends regularly to discuss the latest issue in my divorce. I did not call my sibling to say hey, can you buy the gift for Mom or Dad this time as I really don't have the time.

I was in counseling during my divorce, and I learned a couple of things about my situation.

I'm a doer. Like you, I'm the one that gets people together, makes the reservations, buys the gifts, does thoughtful things for sick friends or friends in need. People see me up and dressed and working every day and they don't know that I've been up till 2:00 a.m. getting everything done from the previous day. Jokingly, I've said that makeup is my downfall. Concealer covers up the dark circles, blush makes me look healthy and well-rested when I'm not. I was not a "hot mess" so people (family, friends, colleagues) assumed I was fine. I did not say otherwise. People who appear to need help, often complain or verbalize this fact...and then they get more help.

The other thing that has helped me is this -- not everyone does what we think is the right thing to do. Meaning, you think your friends should be offering to take your kids to give you a break. Your friends may think that asking how you're doing in reply to an email you sent is enough. People do the best they can under the circumstances. My own parents would do anything for me -- but I need to ask. Sometimes they offer, sometimes they offer the help to my kids, sometimes I have to point blank ask them to help me. I wanted them to support me emotionally, but looking back, it just wasn't something they were volunteering. Maybe they were not equipped, maybe they thought it was too much. I really don't know. By the same token, I know if I asked, they would be there for me. So I take some responsibility in that, and I also give them a pass, knowing that they were not trying to hurt my feelings or let me down.

I'm still friends with the same life-long friends from before, during and after my marriage. The relationships have changed, naturally. I also expect a lot less from people now. It lightens the load on my emotions. When people go out of their way for me, I make a point to stop and say how much I appreciate the effort. I just enjoy people for who they are and within their limits. I know I have my own limits. One of them being my time. I can't be there for everyone the way I want, but I just do my best. I'm sure your friends are doing the same.

[Anonymous]

Agree with some of this. I'm a doer. The type who is always asking how people are doing and when going through tough times, asking what I can do to help them. I'm also very private and most of the time people would have no idea what I'm dealing with. I might mention something in passing, but I don't expand on it or make it into anything. I've had to learn that I'm partially/mostly to blame when I've felt like people don't reciprocate on the doing that I do.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry you are in this situation. It really sucks when you are the one always sticking your neck out there, going above + beyond for those you care about, yet when you need them, it seems they won't do the same for you.

I don't know if it is because they are too self~absorbed, are too busy or just don't care...But either way, it sucks on your end.

All I can say is you are a good person at heart and from what you wrote, it sounds like you are also a very loving friend as well. Do not let these "friends" of yours jade you at all. Continue to be the loving person that you are and do not lose faith in the goodness of people in general.

There are people out there that do truly care about others. Unfortunately at this time in your life, you have not met them yet, but my hope is that someday you will cross paths w/them and when you do, you will understand what I mean!

*Hugs*

[Anonymous]

They probably don't know that you are having a really tough time. This is more of a gray area than if someone had died or was having surgery, and a lot of people will assume that if you're not actively reaching out to them, that things are ok.

My life is busy enough and has lots of moving parts, that if I don't actually hear "I'm having trouble" from someone, I will generally assume things are ok. And if they aren't, I will rearrange stuff and figure out how to help my friend, but the friend is going to have to be open with me so I can do that. If you have a history of not accepting invites to go places, they may have stopped inviting you out for that reason. Or they may not be doing things to which they could invite you. You may need to be more explicit with your friends as to what you need from them.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I feel the same and my friends know what's going on in my life. Besides one of them asking how I'm doing once, none of them have done or said anything to be supportive. OTOH, when one of my friends was going through a divorce, I called or texted her frequently, visited her, took her kids out and asked her to go out with me. When another was struggling with her career, I found specific resources to help her.

It's disappointing but similar to a PP stated, the best way to protect my emotions is to expect no support from friends- I think of them simply as people to socialize with. I will still support them when I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They probably don't know that you are having a really tough time. This is more of a gray area than if someone had died or was having surgery, and a lot of people will assume that if you're not actively reaching out to them, that things are ok.

My life is busy enough and has lots of moving parts, that if I don't actually hear "I'm having trouble" from someone, I will generally assume things are ok. And if they aren't, I will rearrange stuff and figure out how to help my friend, but the friend is going to have to be open with me so I can do that. If you have a history of not accepting invites to go places, they may have stopped inviting you out for that reason. Or they may not be doing things to which they could invite you. You may need to be more explicit with your friends as to what you need from them.

Ditto. Your friends aren't mind readers. TELL THEM WHAT YOU NEED!

[Anonymous]

They might be a afraid to pry or not fully understand what you're going through. They may not be able to "read" you -- if these struggles are making you more standoffish, moody, etc, they may think it's about them and not about these other issues.

Be specific. Ask for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They probably don't know that you are having a really tough time. This is more of a gray area than if someone had died or was having surgery, and a lot of people will assume that if you're not actively reaching out to them, that things are ok.

My life is busy enough and has lots of moving parts, that if I don't actually hear "I'm having trouble" from someone, I will generally assume things are ok. And if they aren't, I will rearrange stuff and figure out how to help my friend, but the friend is going to have to be open with me so I can do that. If you have a history of not accepting invites to go places, they may have stopped inviting you out for that reason. Or they may not be doing things to which they could invite you. You may need to be more explicit with your friends as to what you need from them.

Ditto. Your friends aren't mind readers. TELL THEM WHAT YOU NEED!

This, this, this,this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going through a really difficult time in my life. I have a ton of work stress, two small kids, and a marriage that is on the rocks. I am prone to depression and anxiety and am really struggling with both. I see a counselor weekly. I exercise. I try to eat well instead of reaching for junk (but sadness tastes like chocolate and there's only so much I can do about that). I don't drink or use drugs.

I don't have a huge social circle (social anxiety), but I have several friends I consider close. All of them are aware of my current struggles. None of them have done anything to check in with me, take my kids for a few hours so I can catch a break, have me over for dinner, invite me anywhere... I know everyone is busy with their own lives, but I'm really frustrated that people I call friend just "don't have the time" to spend with me. I am always the friend who is there for everybody else. I'm the friend who brings soup to sick friends, is a sounding board for frustrated/sad friends, and is always on duty when someone needs emergency childcare or breaks.

I feel like my "friends" aren't, and that's really tough to deal with. Especially with everything else that's on my plate.

I wish you well OP. In situations like this, I think it's always good to do a self-check. When you are in a situation where you think everyone else is doing you wrong, sometimes it is good to look at yourself, and think what am I contributing to the situation? How do your friends know what you need? Have you thought that your anxiety may also make them feel pressured? If you have few friends do you depend on them a little too heavily? Do you make them feel anxious at all because they may feel that you need something that they cannot give or what they give is not good enough for you? I am saying that you should think about these things, some may ring true, some may not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They probably don't know that you are having a really tough time. This is more of a gray area than if someone had died or was having surgery, and a lot of people will assume that if you're not actively reaching out to them, that things are ok.

My life is busy enough and has lots of moving parts, that if I don't actually hear "I'm having trouble" from someone, I will generally assume things are ok. And if they aren't, I will rearrange stuff and figure out how to help my friend, but the friend is going to have to be open with me so I can do that. If you have a history of not accepting invites to go places, they may have stopped inviting you out for that reason. Or they may not be doing things to which they could invite you. You may need to be more explicit with your friends as to what you need from them.

Ditto. Your friends aren't mind readers. TELL THEM WHAT YOU NEED!

This, this, this,this!

But if she tells them what she needs she'll lose her feelings of smug superiority and self-pity.