When MIL favors your son over daughter

[Anonymous]

She loves both and is generally a good person, but its clear to me that she favors our son. DS is 8 and DD is 5.

Examples (this week):
1. DS is in a bad mood and called DD "fat face". When DD gets whiny about it MIL tells DD not to escalate the situation.
2. DD likes to sing to music we play in the car. DS gets really annoyed about it. He usually tells her to stop (not nicely). MIL will tell DD she isn't being "good" because she was asked to stop and isn't.
3. DD tells/tattles on DS. No matter what the reason MIL will tell DD to stop "telling stories".

This morning I told MIL that she is 5, this is normal, and we need to teach the difference between telling and tattling. That at telling a 5 yr old to "stop b/c its not nice" is confusing. They are learning that rules are important and that sometimes you need to "tell". Of course MIL is now annoyed at me and thinks I favor DD.

I don't want a confrontation as she is generally well intentioned but I wish she would stop criticizing only DD so much. If she wants she can criticize both--since both are at fault, or none.

What have you done in this situation. TIA

[Anonymous]

None of your situations sound like she is picking favorites. I have had the exact same responses to my kids. Sometimes the situation calls for sucking it up and not escalating even when the perpetrator was wrong. It is rude to keep singing when someone asks you to stop. I tell my kids not to tattle - and did so when they were younger than five. Sounds like for some reason you are defensive about your daughter being corrected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She loves both and is generally a good person, but its clear to me that she favors our son. DS is 8 and DD is 5.

Examples (this week):
1. DS is in a bad mood and called DD "fat face". When DD gets whiny about it MIL tells DD not to escalate the situation.
2. DD likes to sing to music we play in the car. DS gets really annoyed about it. He usually tells her to stop (not nicely). MIL will tell DD she isn't being "good" because she was asked to stop and isn't.
3. DD tells/tattles on DS. No matter what the reason MIL will tell DD to stop "telling stories".

This morning I told MIL that she is 5, this is normal, and we need to teach the difference between telling and tattling. That at telling a 5 yr old to "stop b/c its not nice" is confusing. They are learning that rules are important and that sometimes you need to "tell". Of course MIL is now annoyed at me and thinks I favor DD.

I don't want a confrontation as she is generally well intentioned but I wish she would stop criticizing only DD so much. If she wants she can criticize both--since both are at fault, or none.

What have you done in this situation. TIA

None of MILs business. You told her how you want to parent, she doesn't get to be "annoyed" in any visible fashion, or make any decisions contrary to what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She loves both and is generally a good person, but its clear to me that she favors our son. DS is 8 and DD is 5.

Examples (this week):
1. DS is in a bad mood and called DD "fat face". When DD gets whiny about it MIL tells DD not to escalate the situation.
2. DD likes to sing to music we play in the car. DS gets really annoyed about it. He usually tells her to stop (not nicely). MIL will tell DD she isn't being "good" because she was asked to stop and isn't. 3. DD tells/tattles on DS. No matter what the reason MIL will tell DD to stop "telling stories".

This morning I told MIL that she is 5, this is normal, and we need to teach the difference between telling and tattling. That at telling a 5 yr old to "stop b/c its not nice" is confusing. They are learning that rules are important and that sometimes you need to "tell". Of course MIL is now annoyed at me and thinks I favor DD.

I don't want a confrontation as she is generally well intentioned but I wish she would stop criticizing only DD so much. If she wants she can criticize both--since both are at fault, or none.

What have you done in this situation. TIA

I have a problem with this one. Why does your daughter have to stop because her brother wants her too? Why does he get final say on who and when someone sings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She loves both and is generally a good person, but its clear to me that she favors our son. DS is 8 and DD is 5.

Examples (this week):
1. DS is in a bad mood and called DD "fat face". When DD gets whiny about it MIL tells DD not to escalate the situation.
2. DD likes to sing to music we play in the car. DS gets really annoyed about it. He usually tells her to stop (not nicely). MIL will tell DD she isn't being "good" because she was asked to stop and isn't. 3. DD tells/tattles on DS. No matter what the reason MIL will tell DD to stop "telling stories".

This morning I told MIL that she is 5, this is normal, and we need to teach the difference between telling and tattling. That at telling a 5 yr old to "stop b/c its not nice" is confusing. They are learning that rules are important and that sometimes you need to "tell". Of course MIL is now annoyed at me and thinks I favor DD.

I don't want a confrontation as she is generally well intentioned but I wish she would stop criticizing only DD so much. If she wants she can criticize both--since both are at fault, or none.

What have you done in this situation. TIA

I have a problem with this one. Why does your daughter have to stop because her brother wants her too? Why does he get final say on who and when someone sings?

+1. and even 1. does not look good. a child use hurtful words against the other and the "victim" has to suck it up not to escalate? when it happens to my kids I may tell the "victim" not to retaliate or whine but for sure I tell the offender that using hurtful words against other people is wrong and that he has to apologize

[Anonymous]

Ugh. Does she have a submissive relationship with her husband? Come from a culture where the men are more important than women and moms often favor sons?

[Anonymous]

It almost sounds like you favor your daughter over your son, no?

[Anonymous]

When another situation arises with your kids and your mil is present with her opinions, swiftly interrupt her and say, "Lucy, Im sorry I don't mean to interrupt, ....Johnny now go do this, Larla stay over here."

Keep interrupting her so she doesn't get a word in or just correct them the way you want when you hear this. She will hopefully get the point soon. I said hopefully.

My fil would tell lies upon lies. He once told my daughter that the smoothie machine was broken when I told her no. (People were walking right past us with some). I would instantly say, "no it's not broken, we are not going to have a smoothie today, but maybe this weekend we can. Then i would say to him So, how about the crazy weather this week"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She loves both and is generally a good person, but its clear to me that she favors our son. DS is 8 and DD is 5.

Examples (this week):
1. DS is in a bad mood and called DD "fat face". When DD gets whiny about it MIL tells DD not to escalate the situation.
2. DD likes to sing to music we play in the car. DS gets really annoyed about it. He usually tells her to stop (not nicely). MIL will tell DD she isn't being "good" because she was asked to stop and isn't. 3. DD tells/tattles on DS. No matter what the reason MIL will tell DD to stop "telling stories".

This morning I told MIL that she is 5, this is normal, and we need to teach the difference between telling and tattling. That at telling a 5 yr old to "stop b/c its not nice" is confusing. They are learning that rules are important and that sometimes you need to "tell". Of course MIL is now annoyed at me and thinks I favor DD.

I don't want a confrontation as she is generally well intentioned but I wish she would stop criticizing only DD so much. If she wants she can criticize both--since both are at fault, or none.

What have you done in this situation. TIA

Smoothie pp here. I would again, cut her off or after I heard her say that dd wasn't good, I would say, " Larla, of course you are a good girl. Do you think you want to make a decision to sing later as to not bug your brother, or maybe ask him if wants to sing a different song with you or play a game? Can you two please work it out together? Then look at your mil, Lucy and say "yum, bean dip want some?" That should keep her quiet for a bit.

Of course you want her to tell you things. Yes, you have to work with a 5 yo on the difference between tattling and telling items of importance. We all do. I'm in it now as well. Just don't try to explain things to the mil. They don't get it, never will and will not listen. Just do your thing. Smile and pass the bean dip.