Tell me about separating

[Anonymous]

I'm considering taking a break from my marriage, and I believe DH is thinking along the same lines. (Yes, the fact that I'm guessing indicates some serious communication issues.) I don't really know exactly how that works, what the arrangements are, and what first steps to take. How does the first partner move out? Do we rotate time in our home, or does one just find a separate place? is there a legal status we need to confirm somewhere? If it's not inevitable that the split is final, how/when/what do we explain to our 5 yo DD? Her experience is what i most care about, but the logistics are also somewhat opaque to me.

[Anonymous]

"Take a break" from one's marriage? As in, you'll come back together after "break time" and continue on with life? What does this even mean??

Your poor DD.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if it's just your post, but you sound overly focused on logistics vs what you want. I do the exact same thing and it's not terribly helpful. Just an observation.

Talk to a divorce attorney. There are different ways of handling logistics. As for whether there is a legal separation, that depends entirely on where you are located. I'm in VA and there isn't really legal separation.

Tell your DD the facts but don't get into the future (whether it's permanent or not) unless she asks. Make sure to emphasize that she didn't do anything wrong and you both still love her.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, it means taking some time apart from each other, likely in separate homes. It could either be followed by a reconciliation or a divorce. Isn't that what "separation" means??

Looking for those who have done this to share their experiences.

[Anonymous]

OP again. In DC.

I'm honestly not sure what I want, but I figure that's something I should work out in my head, as well as with friends and possibly a therapist. Logistics, on the other hand, seem like something to ask about here, to folks who have learned from their own experience.

[Anonymous]

OP,

A huge driver is your budget and your work schedules.

Typically one of you gets an apartment, one of you remains in the marital home, your child does overnights in the second home and the marital home. Try and figure it out with your husband. (If you own the home, that gets decided / distributed in the divorce settlement.) I'd do a consult with an attorney, to get a sense of things.

Possibly a therapist? Definitely a therapist! It will help. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. We've been to a therapist, on and off, for a few years. I'm thinking it might be wise to have one for myself, not "ours," to help me sort my own thoughts out.

Our work schedules are comparable -- typical hours, no frequent travel, occasional busy periods with nights/weekends. DH earns more (15%-ish) and has significantly more saved for retirement. We have a mortgage but no other real debt. I have no idea what a budget would be for an apt, but it seems worthwhile to keep it in our neighborhood for consistency, right?

[Anonymous]

Well since a young child is involved here, I think it is best that her life is as unaffected as possible.

I highly suggest she remain in the home 100% as do you, her mother.
I think your husband should move out and get his own apartment or possibly move in w/a friend or roommate. He can come over and visit her and if things between you two are acrimonious, he can either take her out on outings, have her sleep at this house or you can leave the house.

As for filing papers, I am not sure what the benefits are for filing a legal separation. Perhaps it will enable you to qualify for some social services for your daughter, but am not sure. You may want to confer w/a social worker or attorney and find out.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well since a young child is involved here, I think it is best that her life is as unaffected as possible.

I highly suggest she remain in the home 100% as do you, her mother.
I think your husband should move out and get his own apartment or possibly move in w/a friend or roommate. He can come over and visit her and if things between you two are acrimonious, he can either take her out on outings, have her sleep at this house or you can leave the house.

As for filing papers, I am not sure what the benefits are for filing a legal separation. Perhaps it will enable you to qualify for some social services for your daughter, but am not sure. You may want to confer w/a social worker or attorney and find out.

Good luck.

I agree with such a young child staying in the house for the least disruption. We all have issues, and I don't know what yours are, but good luck and I hope you and your husband make the best choice for the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well since a young child is involved here, I think it is best that her life is as unaffected as possible.

I highly suggest she remain in the home 100% as do you, her mother.
I think your husband should move out and get his own apartment or possibly move in w/a friend or roommate. He can come over and visit her and if things between you two are acrimonious, he can either take her out on outings, have her sleep at this house or you can leave the house.

As for filing papers, I am not sure what the benefits are for filing a legal separation. Perhaps it will enable you to qualify for some social services for your daughter, but am not sure. You may want to confer w/a social worker or attorney and find out.

Good luck.

Oh that's so nice that you think OP should allow her child's father to visit her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am separated but not sure if we will get divorced or reconcile. We leave DS in our home 100 percent of the time, each of us stays in the house with him 50 percent of the time, and goes to a shared apt the other 50 percent of the time. For us, it is a logistical nightmare, but DS seems happy with the set up, so we continue it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am separated but not sure if we will get divorced or reconcile. We leave DS in our home 100 percent of the time, each of us stays in the house with him 50 percent of the time, and goes to a shared apt the other 50 percent of the time. For us, it is a logistical nightmare, but DS seems happy with the set up, so we continue it.

This is the best solution for the child; however, it takes two pretty amicable parents to carry this off. I think most separations occur with one of the parents moving to an apartment and taking the child for several overnights a week. Most courts would allow 50/50 custody, but practically speaking it usually doesn't end up this way.

Definitely pursue finding your own therapist to help you work through this stuff. Your joint therapist would also be a great person to facilitate some of the discussions concerning logistics and temporary custody arrangements.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Check rents. The closer you can live to each, the more practical and convenient. My child's father lives four blocks away. (NW DC.) I'm in a rental, he's in a house he purchased after living in a rental for a few years. The proximity is gold. You forget something, it's a few minutes away. No hassle, do stress.

The idea of nesting (basically two parents sharing two homes and moving in and out of the base home every few days or week) is great for transition if you can both pull it off however everything changes when one parent wants to date or starts dating. I have only heard of this working for a short transition.

I'd meet with a lawyer. We didn't file any separation papers. We were separated for several years before we got legally divorced.

There are two divorces: legal and emotional. They are not necessary parallel!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well since a young child is involved here, I think it is best that her life is as unaffected as possible.

I highly suggest she remain in the home 100% as do you, her mother.
I think your husband should move out and get his own apartment or possibly move in w/a friend or roommate. He can come over and visit her and if things between you two are acrimonious, he can either take her out on outings, have her sleep at this house or you can leave the house.

As for filing papers, I am not sure what the benefits are for filing a legal separation. Perhaps it will enable you to qualify for some social services for your daughter, but am not sure. You may want to confer w/a social worker or attorney and find out.

Good luck.

What chauvinistic advice. OP is the one suggesting separate domiciles, let her move out. She is the one who is confused and needs to "sort out her thoughts", let her move out. Why should the husband be forced to leave his home and child? She can negotiate with him for visitation rights.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am separated but not sure if we will get divorced or reconcile. We leave DS in our home 100 percent of the time, each of us stays in the house with him 50 percent of the time, and goes to a shared apt the other 50 percent of the time. For us, it is a logistical nightmare, but DS seems happy with the set up, so we continue it.


This is the best solution for the child; however, it takes two pretty amicable parents to carry this off.

This is PP and I agree - we are pretty amicable but there is still a lot of stress re: groceries and housekeeping responsibilities at the two residences.