Why is it that the undone thing gets noticed?

[Anonymous]

I woke at 5:30 AM this morning. I made coffee, brought a cup up to DW in bed. I went back downstairs. I emptied the dishwasher, cleared the drying rack, packed the kids' lunches, cleaned out the cat box and took out the trash and recyclables and put breakfast on the table all before kids come down for breakfast. I have breakfast with kids, clear the dishes and make sure all is clean on the counters. I then go upstairs to get ready for work. By this time, DW is in her gym clothes. She goes downstairs. The next thing I hear is her screaming down in the kitchen: "What the f**K?" and generally cursing and swearing like a sailor. Apparently, in everything else I did I did not wash the pot she left on the range from last night that she was using to make broth. Now, if it had been in the sink, perhaps I might have. This hardly justifies a paroxsym of rage best reserved for thieving Wall Street Bankers and lying politicians.

DW will not doubt get her gym time in before work. I probably won't get mine afterward because there will no doubt be "something" she needs done around the house, or I will need to pick kids up, etc. On top of that, she bitches about having to put her paycheck towards family expenses too. It is just tiring tiring tiring.

[Anonymous]

Didn't you post this a few months ago? Like almost exactly?

[Anonymous]

Couples therapy. Sounds like you guys need to hit the reset button.

[Anonymous]

You know, I used to be a bit like your wife (not to that extreme, but critical), and I have changed. It's possible. DH pushed me on it, we had some arguments, and I realized I was wrong. Some of it is my inherent anxious/perfectionistic tendencies I was projecting on him, and that wasn't cool.

I'm not perfect about not doing it, but I'm a lot better, and we're more on the same page about figuring out what needs to be done and what can slide.

Talk to your wife tonight. Tell her everything you did and how upset you were that she picked on something you didn't, that you felt taken for granted. See what she has to say--she may apologize, or she may feel like other areas of your life are unbalanced. If she's complaining about her paycheck covering family expenses (What else would it be for?), you may have something bigger going on.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Couples therapy. Sounds like you guys need to hit the reset button.

+1 With the wife needing intensive sessions alone. She sounds rough.

[Anonymous]

What does your wife think her paycheck is for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, I used to be a bit like your wife (not to that extreme, but critical), and I have changed. It's possible. DH pushed me on it, we had some arguments, and I realized I was wrong. Some of it is my inherent anxious/perfectionistic tendencies I was projecting on him, and that wasn't cool.

I'm not perfect about not doing it, but I'm a lot better, and we're more on the same page about figuring out what needs to be done and what can slide.

Talk to your wife tonight. Tell her everything you did and how upset you were that she picked on something you didn't, that you felt taken for granted. See what she has to say--she may apologize, or she may feel like other areas of your life are unbalanced. If she's complaining about her paycheck covering family expenses (What else would it be for?), you may have something bigger going on.

Good luck.

This. I changed too. But sometimes I backslide. I hate this quality.

[Anonymous]

If cleaning the pot was the ONE thing she asked you to do, and you did everything but that, and this was a pattern of you doing what you wanted instead of what she needed just to spite her or passive aggressively show her how you feel, then rage may be justified.

But if she has the pattern of flying into rages for little reason, then she has to work on things.

Either way, you guys have to sit down and talk about your problems (unequal amounts of freetime and contributions to the household funds) and come up with mutually agreeable solutions.

[Anonymous]

OMG I would be in heaven if my husband did what you did even once a week. Sorry but she is out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your wife think her paycheck is for?

Does not sound like a partnership. More like a dictatorship. OP, you deserve better. I'm a DW and am apalled at your DW's behavior. Mental issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't you post this a few months ago? Like almost exactly?

I don't know about a few months ago but here is a thread from a few years ago. I'm not saying it's the same OP, but might be some useful advice in there. Same situation with DW being critical (e.g., "you missed a spot").

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/199583.page

[Anonymous]

she feels entitled and there is something in your nature that is also feeding that abut her. you guys need counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If cleaning the pot was the ONE thing she asked you to do, and you did everything but that, and this was a pattern of you doing what you wanted instead of what she needed just to spite her or passive aggressively show her how you feel, then rage may be justified.

But if she has the pattern of flying into rages for little reason, then she has to work on things.

Either way, you guys have to sit down and talk about your problems (unequal amounts of freetime and contributions to the household funds) and come up with mutually agreeable solutions.

Nope, sorry. No way.

[Anonymous]

My DH actually accused me of not using my paycheck for household bills, but I was using it for grad school tuition and then to pay back my student loans. Took a forensic accountant's research and testimony to show a judge that I did NOT squander marital resources.

[Anonymous]

Not to justify, but possibly to illuminate:

* she is really stressed about something else entirely, or just over-tired, and this just happened to push her over the edge
* although you feel like you are doing more than 50% of the work, she might also feel like she is doing more than 50% of the work. You both might need to step back and reassess.
* she is not feeling appreciated in some other arena, and this somehow reminded her of that painful (mis?)conception

Either way, I'd say the two of you need to sit down and talk about what is going on in your relationship. Calmly. Without blaming. Without judging.

As for her paycheck... was there an agreement that your salary would cover X and her salary would cover Y? X = expenses, Y = savings and extras? Otherwise that sounds a little odd.