Grandpa- who gets to decide whether that designation is appropriate?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My MIL has a long-term mostly permanent partner "John" (they've been together at least 10 years, but break up every so often). They live in the midwest and we only see them once a year. My FIL died before DH had met me. Whenever we do see John and MIL, John is usually grumpy and has very little interaction with our kids (4 and 5). He only comes out because MIL refuses to travel without him and she forces him to come.
They're currently visiting and John's referring to himself as Grandpa to the kids, who call him John because that is how DH and I refer to him. DH told me that they asked him if John was their grandfather and he told them no. I don't plan to say anything to anyone, but am curious if DH is in the wrong to tell the kids he's not their grandpa. I guess John feels as if he's in the grandfather role and he has no grandchildren with whom he has much of a relationship. Dh and I have some personal dislike of him, to be honest, as he is racist and the kids and I are non-white, and I'm sure that plays a part, but as I said, I plan to let DH drive this one and am just curious how others would handle it. |
Anonymous
| Your husband gets to call this one and did the right thing. |
Anonymous
| Can you have the kids call him "Grandpa John" to distinguish from their biological grandfather, who if alive would just be "Grandpa?" Also, if he takes a somewhat active role with them or acknowledges a link by being called Grandpa, maybe he will like them/you more and cut down on the racist stuff? |
Anonymous
+1 If the guy was different, the lack of blood connection wouldn't matter and you'd call him grandpa. If he loved your kids and wanted to spend time with them and was very involved in their lives - he'd be their grandpa. |
Anonymous
|
Sounds like a grandpa to me. They have a common law marriage. If he has asked your children to call him "Grandpa," then I would suggest "Grandpa John" as a compromise.
Some children have close relationships with their grandparents and others don't, but they're still their grandparents. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you have bigger issues than whether to call him Grandpa. I will say that calling him Grandpa might indicate a warmer relationship that exists already, and I think your DH was right to set that boundary if there are other issues in the relationship. |
Anonymous
I agree. I also don't see a problem with them calling him Grandpa and telling them that he is not your DH's father. My father died before I married and my mom re-married. The kids called her DH 'Grandpa' but knew that he wasn't my father. I tell them that when you're an adult, you get to choose your family. They also have an uncle who isn't related by blood/marriage. He's DH's best friend. |
Anonymous
| My son calls my mom's boyfriend by his first name. I agree with you both. He is a decent guy and really likes my son but we don't have much of a relationship (more due to my mom than probably him). |
Anonymous
OP here. Yes, I should've been clearer that it's not a lack of a blood connection that's the problem. As it is, our kids AND I are adopted, so we're all very comfortable with a lack of a bio connection in our family 
PPs are right in that there are bigger issues. In the past, I banned John from our house because of his racist ways and the fact that he was a raging alcoholic. He's since sobered up, though. I do feel badly if he's indicating he wants a closer relationship with the kids. |
Anonymous
Just a note: they probably don't have a common-law marriage. Not all states recognize common-law marriages, and even if the state they are living in does, just living together for a certain amount of time does not mean you are married--there are other requirements. |
Anonymous
|
John is racist, but wants non-white kids not legally or biologically related to call him Grandpa?
Interesting. Maybe you misjudged him? |
Anonymous
"common law marriage" depends on state where they reside. 
|
Anonymous
Oh come on OP. Stop with the co-dependent crap. John has behaved poorly, so poorly that he was banned from your house. That's great that he may be doing much better. But stop with the "I feel bad" nonsense. One of the consequences of his behavior is that others may keep a distance, even if he has sobered up. |
Anonymous
OP here. No, when you say stuff like "n-word," "porch monkey," and other various slurs for racial/ethnic minorities, you're not being misjudged. |
Anonymous
| OP again. I meant to add that John received a liver transplant less than a year ago and I think may be trying to transform his life. He's had a sad one- addiction runs in his family. He was 3 kids; one has cut of all contact with him, one died of an overdose, and the other is still an addict and has some contact with him. |