Grandpa- who gets to decide whether that designation is appropriate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you have the kids call him "Grandpa John" to distinguish from their biological grandfather, who if alive would just be "Grandpa?" Also, if he takes a somewhat active role with them or acknowledges a link by being called Grandpa, maybe he will like them/you more and cut down on the racist stuff?

Cray cray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband gets to call this one and did the right thing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has a long-term mostly permanent partner "John" (they've been together at least 10 years, but break up every so often). They live in the midwest and we only see them once a year. My FIL died before DH had met me. Whenever we do see John and MIL, John is usually grumpy and has very little interaction with our kids (4 and 5). He only comes out because MIL refuses to travel without him and she forces him to come.

They're currently visiting and John's referring to himself as Grandpa to the kids, who call him John because that is how DH and I refer to him. DH told me that they asked him if John was their grandfather and he told them no. I don't plan to say anything to anyone, but am curious if DH is in the wrong to tell the kids he's not their grandpa. I guess John feels as if he's in the grandfather role and he has no grandchildren with whom he has much of a relationship. Dh and I have some personal dislike of him, to be honest, as he is racist and the kids and I are non-white, and I'm sure that plays a part, but as I said, I plan to let DH drive this one and am just curious how others would handle it.

Would you call someone like this "Grandpa?" Your husband was right to say his name is John. He's not acting like a grandpa, he's not married to their grandmother, so why call him grandpa?

It is always the parents decision.

[Anonymous]

Bottom Line: Doesn't matter what you call him, the relationship will be what it is.
He could be blood relative called Grandpa, but that will not change the nature of the relationship. KWIM?

[Anonymous]

The kids get to decide if they want to call someone Grandpa. But maybe John doesn't want kids to call him by his first name, in which case you could offer "Mr Shneezleboop" or whatever his last name is.

[Anonymous]

Could he be "Uncle John"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could he be "Uncle John"?

Think about that logically... grandma is dating her son? Be appropriate. First name. He is not grandpa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:John is racist, but wants non-white kids not legally or biologically related to call him Grandpa?

Interesting.

Maybe you misjudged him?

OP here. No, when you say stuff like "n-word," "porch monkey," and other various slurs for racial/ethnic minorities, you're not being misjudged.

Then why does he want your non-white kids to call him Grandpa? Seems like he'd want to minimize any social connection to them.

[Anonymous]

I think the parents get to decide, not "grandpa." My FIL wanted to have a cute name for his evil GF that my kids could call her. Uh ok. He never came up with anything (of course) and my kid just calls her by her first name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:John is racist, but wants non-white kids not legally or biologically related to call him Grandpa?

Interesting.

Maybe you misjudged him?

OP here. No, when you say stuff like "n-word," "porch monkey," and other various slurs for racial/ethnic minorities, you're not being misjudged.

Then why does he want your non-white kids to call him Grandpa? Seems like he'd want to minimize any social connection to them.

Because some racist people distinguish between the people close to them-their 1 black/asian/purple friend/relative. They see this person as the "exception" to their otherwise racist rules. Get it ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:John is racist, but wants non-white kids not legally or biologically related to call him Grandpa?

Interesting.

Maybe you misjudged him?

OP here. No, when you say stuff like "n-word," "porch monkey," and other various slurs for racial/ethnic minorities, you're not being misjudged.

Then why does he want your non-white kids to call him Grandpa? Seems like he'd want to minimize any social connection to them.

OP here. I have no idea why. Like I said earlier, he's been through a lot in the past year- came close to dying and had a liver transplant, as well as lost one of his sons to an overdose. Maybe he's changing his tune? Or, like the PP said, maybe he sees us as an exception to his issues. They have a Latino neighbor and have been to one of their parties and like the people, yet they say offensive things about Latinos too, so...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:John is racist, but wants non-white kids not legally or biologically related to call him Grandpa?

Interesting.

Maybe you misjudged him?

OP here. No, when you say stuff like "n-word," "porch monkey," and other various slurs for racial/ethnic minorities, you're not being misjudged.

Then why does he want your non-white kids to call him Grandpa? Seems like he'd want to minimize any social connection to them.

OP here. I have no idea why. Like I said earlier, he's been through a lot in the past year- came close to dying and had a liver transplant, as well as lost one of his sons to an overdose. Maybe he's changing his tune? Or, like the PP said, maybe he sees us as an exception to his issues. They have a Latino neighbor and have been to one of their parties and like the people, yet they say offensive things about Latinos too, so...?

Right using the logic of PP, as long as you have "one black friend" you can say anything you want and it's not racist. Ummm, no. You can still not spew racist words and then claim you aren't racist bc you happen to like someone of a different race. If you are using the n-word you have a serious problem understanding race relations, no matter what color your grandchildren are.

[Anonymous]

I think your DH gets to decide and he's being honest with the kids - John's not the grandpa, so they can call him something else. I'd go with "uncle john" or Mr. John.

My grandma's boyfriend wants my kids to call him what his grandkids called him. I feel really weird about it and still refer to him by his given name.

All the actual grandparents discussed their titles with us - we let them choose for themselves, but still they wanted to make sure we were comfortable as the parents and I appreciate that. A non-grandparent proclaiming grandparent status without giving us that respect as the parents is just odd to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could he be "Uncle John"?

Think about that logically... grandma is dating her son? Be appropriate. First name. He is not grandpa.

I'm assuming PP is from a culture where older random friends of the family go by "uncle" or "aunt." So MIL's BF would be a friend of the family, not quiet family, and elderly, so that's why he's "uncle" not because he's actually an uncle. It's a respectful way to refer to an older person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:John is racist, but wants non-white kids not legally or biologically related to call him Grandpa?

Interesting.

Maybe you misjudged him?

OP here. No, when you say stuff like "n-word," "porch monkey," and other various slurs for racial/ethnic minorities, you're not being misjudged.

Then why does he want your non-white kids to call him Grandpa? Seems like he'd want to minimize any social connection to them.

OP here. I have no idea why. Like I said earlier, he's been through a lot in the past year- came close to dying and had a liver transplant, as well as lost one of his sons to an overdose. Maybe he's changing his tune? Or, like the PP said, maybe he sees us as an exception to his issues. They have a Latino neighbor and have been to one of their parties and like the people, yet they say offensive things about Latinos too, so...?

12:40 here and I assume you are talking about my post. I hope you mean that is the logic of the racist, that THEY think it means they are not racist. I was explaining THEIR logic, not excusing it. I just want to make that clear.