Tracked down father who abandoned me..........now what?

[Anonymous]

I've always known certain things about my bio father (name, his mother's name, etc). I never saw my father after the age of 5 until I was 13 and then only for 10 minutes. Complicated family dynamics but he and my mother had volatile relationship and went their separate ways.

Now that I am a mother, I've gotten curious especially as my 7 year DS longs for a grandfather (my ex's bio dad is also MIA). My son has 2 wonderful grandmothers and a wonderful extended family. My ex and I co-parent and my son isn't lacking there.

Has anyone gone through reconnecting with an MIA parent? I'm not even sure what I want. I'm in NOVA and my bio father supposedly resides in Gaithersburg. Just feeling a mix of emotions. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

ignore him, he will hurt you again by playing with your emotions.

[Anonymous]

BTDT doesn't work out and there will be hidden resentment on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Might be worth it to get some closure by contacting him and seeing where it goes but, as I'm sure you know, don't go into this thinking you will get an engaged and loving grandfather for your son. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

If you do make contact with him, make sure to leave your son out of it for now, to keep him from getting hurt.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you so much for the advice. I truly believe it's best to let sleeping dogs lie but there's a small piece of me that is still hurt, curious, and sad. I doubt it would be worth the possible pain and conflict to resolve those feelings. I appreciate your kind words.

[Anonymous]

If he wanted to contact you, he would have. Please don't put him in an awkward situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous



OP here, thank you so much for the advice. I truly believe it's best to let sleeping dogs lie but there's a small piece of me that is still hurt, curious, and sad. I doubt it would be worth the possible pain and conflict to resolve those feelings. I appreciate your kind words.

I don't think it will turn out well. What is the best outcome you can envision?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes terrible parents are halfway decent grandparents. Some parents hate the responsibility that comes with parenthood, but can handle being the doting grandpa or grandpa.
Maybe you and your child would want to try a hour long visit to test the water. Make it clear that this is not a promise of constant contact. Sandwich it between two other outings that day so that it has a sweet start and finish even if things slightly sour in between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he wanted to contact you, he would have. Please don't put him in an awkward situation.

I think the LEAST of the OP's concern should be the awkwardness it may cause her absent bio-dad!

[Anonymous]

If you contact him, I think it's alright to say, "I'm really not sure why I'm contacting you" except that the change in your life has renewed an interest in your own lineage. You should probably say upfront and very directly that you are not asking anything from him (in case he's suspicious and thinks you want money. remember he does not know you and does not know what kind of person you are) Then again he could be trouble. He could be down on this luck, could be an alcoholic. He could then want something from you. Could get messy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you so much for the advice. I truly believe it's best to let sleeping dogs lie but there's a small piece of me that is still hurt, curious, and sad. I doubt it would be worth the possible pain and conflict to resolve those feelings. I appreciate your kind words.

If your dad is anything like mine you will be very disappointed - again.

[Anonymous]

Why do you want someone who abandoned you to be in your child's life? What makes you think they have changed?

He will only hurt your child. Lots of kids grow up without grandparents because they died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you so much for the advice. I truly believe it's best to let sleeping dogs lie but there's a small piece of me that is still hurt, curious, and sad. I doubt it would be worth the possible pain and conflict to resolve those feelings. I appreciate your kind words.

If your dad is anything like mine you will be very disappointed - again.

My experience, also. I no longer resent him. It hurt like hell when I finally realized that my father never loved me and never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he wanted to contact you, he would have. Please don't put him in an awkward situation.

I think the LEAST of the OP's concern should be the awkwardness it may cause her absent bio-dad!

Well, it will be awkward when he says fuck off too