Tracked down father who abandoned me..........now what?

[Anonymous]

Been there with a re-appearing mother who wanted to play doting grandmother. If you're initiating, OP, think very hard about the best and worst case scenarios and shield your kid until you absolutely know what you're dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there with a re-appearing mother who wanted to play doting grandmother. If you're initiating, OP, think very hard about the best and worst case scenarios and shield your kid until you absolutely know what you're dealing with.

How did you handle your re-appearing mother situation? I said buh-bye to mine.

[Anonymous]

OP back, thanks all for feedback. I honestly don't envision a good ending - he's remarried with other children. I haven't seen him in over 20 years. I'm sad because as a mother myself I can't imagine being without my son. I don't know anything about this man other than photos and stories from my infancy.

I feel like I should resign myself to having this unresolved part of my life. It makes me sad and mad and confused but mostly just hurt.

I appreciate being able to share my feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want someone who abandoned you to be in your child's life? What makes you think they have changed?

He will only hurt your child. Lots of kids grow up without grandparents because they died.

+1000 And since he lives in Maryland and you live in northern Virginia, he probably could have tracked you down if he wanted to.

Plus, since he has other kids, he might not be able to give your child the grandfatherly attention that your child deserves.

[Anonymous]

Infrequent but positive grandfatherly attention might trump absolutely no grandfatherly attention.

Perhaps all your son needs is 1 or 2 good memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back, thanks all for feedback. I honestly don't envision a good ending - he's remarried with other children. I haven't seen him in over 20 years. I'm sad because as a mother myself I can't imagine being without my son. I don't know anything about this man other than photos and stories from my infancy.

I feel like I should resign myself to having this unresolved part of my life. It makes me sad and mad and confused but mostly just hurt.

I appreciate being able to share my feelings.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I think if you might need closure more than your son needs a grandfather. If you do pursue this, definitely keep your son out of it. He will be just fine without knowing a grandfather. It's great that he has a positive grandparent experience with his grandmothers.

I've known several fathers who have been absent. Some were just self-centered jerks. Others gave up on trying to have relationships with their kids b/c of acrimony with the ex-wife and didn't know how to re-connect with their children as adults. Honestly, I still think this is a weak excuse, but they are still decent people.

I hope whatever you decide to do, you find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Infrequent but positive grandfatherly attention might trump absolutely no grandfatherly attention.

Perhaps all your son needs is 1 or 2 good memories.

My kids had a few visits with my long lost father during their teens. They considered him a sort of stranger who gave them $50. Perhaps if they were younger the 1 or 2 good memories idea would have worked.

[Anonymous]

I think you should contact him, OP. It seems like you want to so you should. If only to settle things in your mind.
Think about what you want out of the contact and keep those goals in mind. I wouldn't go in looking for him to answer your questions but maybe you want to forgive him. This may be the closure you want/need. It feels great to let go of anger and forgive.

You clearly aren't looking for a warm and fuzzy grandpa relationship but maybe something cordial where you show him that you've grown up to be an excellent grownup.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would start therapy and reach out to him while you are in therapy. See if you can find out more about him and his situation. It may hurt more in the short term, but it is hard to deal with Something if you don't know what you are dealing with.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Ask for at least 100k

[Anonymous]

The part of you that is hurt, curious, and sad will not heal and be satisfied by any reconnection. I've been estranged from my father for 25 years, and at this point he'd be a stranger to me if we ever met up again. Your bio father is a stranger to you, and you're better off putting your energy into the people in your life who love and value you and your son.

[Anonymous]

It takes years and years of cautious contacts to get a sliver of meaningful connection. But it was worth it imho. You have some half siblings out there. That's pretty cool overall. They'll hame some good and some bad but will be like looking at a foggy mirror. Yes btdt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've always known certain things about my bio father (name, his mother's name, etc). I never saw my father after the age of 5 until I was 13 and then only for 10 minutes. Complicated family dynamics but he and my mother had volatile relationship and went their separate ways.

Now that I am a mother, I've gotten curious especially as my 7 year DS longs for a grandfather (my ex's bio dad is also MIA). My son has 2 wonderful grandmothers and a wonderful extended family. My ex and I co-parent and my son isn't lacking there.

Has anyone gone through reconnecting with an MIA parent? I'm not even sure what I want. I'm in NOVA and my bio father supposedly resides in Gaithersburg. Just feeling a mix of emotions. Thanks.

Can you try to meet him (w/o your DS) to assess? I recently met someone who got in touch with their long lost father. It turned out that the mother cut him off and he actually wanted to be in the children's lives, but he was just trying to accommodate the mother and stayed away. Anyways, I would be strong and check it out for myself.

[Anonymous]

If you go into this thinking he will meet some emotional need or fill a void - he likely won't. He might be able to answer some questions and give you information.

There are some bio parents who do engage once reconnect. Often they didn't reach out because they figured the child didn't want to hear from them and they didn't want to bring any more pain to the adult child by inserting themselves into their lives.

If I were you, I would contact him, but with very limited expectations.

[Anonymous]

OP again, final words. There are a variety of reasons I'm curious about him.

I have a million questions for him, why he left etc. I also have zero info on my family history - no clue what medical issues might exist on my paternal side; I have half-siblings and am curious about them, I wonder if he'd be a good grandpa, etc.

I've decided to move on without answers to those questions. Thank you all for your kindness.