DH wants to pay for all "our kids" to go to the same school...read details

[Anonymous]

Our family looks like this

My DH and and his ex wife have 1 daughter who is 8 and at ABC school
DH Exs wife and her 2nd DH have 1 son who is 4 and will start K in the fall of 2015
DH and I have 1 son who is 2 and 1 DD who is 4 and will start K in the fall 2015

We happily pay for the 8 yr old to go to ABC school. Ex wife and her DH do not have the means to send their 4 year old to ABC school. Since our DD will start at ABC school in the fall of 2015 too DH thinks it would be easy for all kids to just go to ABC school since they love each other, play with each other, currently go to preschool together and it would make day to day logistics SO MUCH easier. I was inclined to agree but now am worried about the future and how we will obviously have to send the kid to middle and high school too so its a huge commitment. I also worry it might offend ex wife's DH. We do know that ex wife and her DH are done having children (her tubes are tied post c section) so we don't have to worry about sending future children to keep things fair. We have not extended this offer to ex yet but if we are extending the offer we need to bring it up soon. Financially it is doable. Anything I am missing here? Are we getting ourselves into a huge mess? I do see DH's point and he feels strongly that if all the kids but him go to ABC school he will feel left out and alienated.

[Anonymous]

It is really admirable of your DH to want to make sure all the siblings are together, but his ex and her DH could be really offended by this. What if something happens to your financial stability and you can't afford to fund all the kids. Who do you think you will want to pull? You know it won't be your child.

I wouldn't touch that situation with a 10 foot pole. Maybe DH can offer for you to do other things to give the sibling more time with all the other kids so that they are together. For example, if you are taking the other 3 kids on vacation, ask ex if her son can attend. Maybe tell ex, we are sending all the kids to XYZ camp, maybe when making your camp decision, you might consider sending Johnny there too....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our family looks like this

My DH and and his ex wife have 1 daughter who is 8 and at ABC school
DH Exs wife and her 2nd DH have 1 son who is 4 and will start K in the fall of 2015
DH and I have 1 son who is 2 and 1 DD who is 4 and will start K in the fall 2015

We happily pay for the 8 yr old to go to ABC school. Ex wife and her DH do not have the means to send their 4 year old to ABC school. Since our DD will start at ABC school in the fall of 2015 too DH thinks it would be easy for all kids to just go to ABC school since they love each other, play with each other, currently go to preschool together and it would make day to day logistics SO MUCH easier. I was inclined to agree but now am worried about the future and how we will obviously have to send the kid to middle and high school too so its a huge commitment. I also worry it might offend ex wife's DH. We do know that ex wife and her DH are done having children (her tubes are tied post c section) so we don't have to worry about sending future children to keep things fair. We have not extended this offer to ex yet but if we are extending the offer we need to bring it up soon. Financially it is doable. Anything I am missing here? Are we getting ourselves into a huge mess? I do see DH's point and he feels strongly that if all the kids but him go to ABC school he will feel left out and alienated.

First of all, your DH is a decent man. And he is right that logistically it is easy. All these siblings and 1/2 siblings can either learn to love each other or hate each other. Your DH's plan will likely result in great bonds between all 4 kids.

Now - what would be lovely is if all parents remain classy and never resent each other or disparage what is being suggested.

Secondly, if you have the money - then do the same for MS and HS. I know your DH biological 1st kid will not be with the other kids in MS and HS (probably) - but her 1/2 siblings from both sides will be. And then the connection remains.

It is a great suggestion and will work wonderfully if you guys can remain magnanimous and great adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is really admirable of your DH to want to make sure all the siblings are together, but his ex and her DH could be really offended by this. What if something happens to your financial stability and you can't afford to fund all the kids. Who do you think you will want to pull? You know it won't be your child.

I wouldn't touch that situation with a 10 foot pole. Maybe DH can offer for you to do other things to give the sibling more time with all the other kids so that they are together. For example, if you are taking the other 3 kids on vacation, ask ex if her son can attend. Maybe tell ex, we are sending all the kids to XYZ camp, maybe when making your camp decision, you might consider sending Johnny there too....

OP here...yes I REALLY worry about offending them. Financially it will never be a hardship (sounds obnoxious I apologize but its just a non issue) ...of course we will always have the kids together on vacations and we already pay for him to attend the same camps and stuff but still never asked to take care of a bill this large. I really worry that it will come off wrong as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is really admirable of your DH to want to make sure all the siblings are together, but his ex and her DH could be really offended by this. What if something happens to your financial stability and you can't afford to fund all the kids. Who do you think you will want to pull? You know it won't be your child.

I wouldn't touch that situation with a 10 foot pole. Maybe DH can offer for you to do other things to give the sibling more time with all the other kids so that they are together. For example, if you are taking the other 3 kids on vacation, ask ex if her son can attend. Maybe tell ex, we are sending all the kids to XYZ camp, maybe when making your camp decision, you might consider sending Johnny there too....

OP, don't let fear of what might happen rule your decision. Suggest this in a calm decent way and see what happens.

I think your DH solution is better than the PP solution. This is being equal and fair to all kids. I am sure the other parents can reciprocate in some other way.

[Anonymous]

Op here: I want to make it clear we would follow through with middle and high school. Obviously kids become more of individuals as they get older so if ex wife and dh's son would evolve into needing/wanting a different middle school/high school then the other siblings we would be fine with supporting that. But for now everyone at ABC school would be ideal.

[Anonymous]

Is your DH on good terms with his ex-wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH on good terms with his ex-wife?

Op here. Yes, we all are. I find her especially respectable in that she turned down sizable and entitled alimony when they divorced. If she had taken that money ABC school would not be an issue for her family so I feel like its good karma to pay for schooling if that makes sense. I just think it shows a lot of her character. We are very different women and don't spend time together without the kids and keep things light but DH has never bad mouthed her. (to me at least!)

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it, bless your heart. Really. Make the offer simply and with love. I can't think of a better gift.

[Anonymous]

Your DH sounds awesome. If you will not have a financial hardship then absolutely do it. Have DH talk to his ex about it privately and she can bring it up with her husband. I am so happy that you are including her other other child already in vacations and camps. You all sound wonderful.

[Anonymous]

1437++ nice to read a positive story about kids in divorced families

[Anonymous]

If you are worried about it offending her, pitch it as a favor to DH's child with her and DH's child with you. Ie. "It would make DC#1 and DC#2 if Larla could be in school with them. It's really important to me that the kids are happy, so would you consider sending Larla if I pick up the bill? Please consider it."

[Anonymous]

Member of a blended family here - I can't think of too many cons for your situation if you are certain the funds exist. I think you married a good guy.

[Anonymous]

I would send the two kids in your home and let them work out where their child goes. If they are struggling, up the child support, buy clothing and toys for their house, do more in terms of a college fund.

[Anonymous]

I think you should do it.

Have the conversation be among the 4 adults:

"We are really lucky that we have a complex family that gets along so well. We recognize that money can be an emotional issue and we hope this offer demonstrates our respect for your family and your parenting, not any attempt to interfere. But, we have the means to send all the kids to School ABC and we would like to pay for all the children to go to school together. This is your decision, and we will not talk about the financial arrangement with the children."