s/o - How to prepare for your parent moving in

[Anonymous]

Background:My mother is 62 and nearing retirement but still very active. She has some financial struggles, mainly because of bad money management, health bills, and her love of shopping. She is currently renting an apartment but has expressed some interest in moving in with us. DH is supportive of her moving in and said he would be happy either way. She would have her own room but it would be on the same floor (albeit separate ends) as ours.

Positives:If she moves in with us, she would continue to work (but shift to part time) to pay her own personal bills. She would help out with the kids (2 yrs and 6 months) on the weekends or evenings as she currently does. This is mainly an arrangement to help her but it also us by having another adult helping out with the kids. I would feel better knowing that I’ve done the right thing – and I say this because in my culture it is a big shock that she didn’t move in as soon as DH and I built our home.

Negatives:She doesn’t always follow my “mommy rules” with the kids, i.e., giving them juice and cookies etc., but I don’t stress about it since she doesn’t live with us and it’s not a constant things. She gives me constant advice on what to do with the kids but I usually ignore or say “hmmm yes” and move along unless I’m interested. She has a lot of stuff at her place now and I will not allow my house to become cluttered – so much so that I donate a lot of the junk she buys or brings over.

We don’t always get along but as I’ve hit my mid-30s I’ve realized that (a) she made the best decisions she could to give me the best opportunities she could (b) those decisions have molded me into a strong person (c) she loves my kids more than anything and is an amazing grandmother (d) she will die one day and I would miss her dearly

Question:What would you do? Have you had a parent move in? What are some tips or pointers that you would recommend?

[Anonymous]

First (1) I would start with an Action Plan (AP) and put it into MS Project, and post it on the refrigerator for all Stakeholders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First (1) I would start with an Action Plan (AP) and put it into MS Project, and post it on the refrigerator for all Stakeholders.

I would like to make an offer to be your friend. Do you (1a) accept this request, or (1b) deny this request, or (2) hold off until further information is available for you to make an informed decision?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First (1) I would start with an Action Plan (AP) and put it into MS Project, and post it on the refrigerator for all Stakeholders.

Thanks PP. That was incredibly helpful. Since the subject must be as important to you as it is to me, you even organized your response. Others may have ignored but not you. I. Am. Amazed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First (1) I would start with an Action Plan (AP) and put it into MS Project, and post it on the refrigerator for all Stakeholders.

I would like to make an offer to be your friend. Do you (1a) accept this request, or (1b) deny this request, or (2) hold off until further information is available for you to make an informed decision?

And you even made a friend out of my inquiry. Glad I could be of assistance.

[Anonymous]

haha, love the PP's

I am not a lawyer, but would echo the sentiment: make everything explicit. Rules about the kids, cleaning up, etc.

You might not want to write them down -- you're not college roommates -- but definitely talk things through before she moves in.

[Anonymous]

With more money available to her, your mom will likely shop more. And she won't have an apartment to put it in, she'll just have her room in your home. Or, she'll try to have it out in the rest of your home, as it sounds like she already does by giving you too much.

You say that she's made some bad financial decisions, and it sounds like having her move in will enable her to make more. She's more tied to a budget in her current situation, as she must pay rent.

You mention the constant advice. How easy will it be to ignore when she lives in your home?

I would be very cautious. It sounds like you already have benefits--her being involved with your children, flexibility so she can care for them periodically--without throwing boundaries out the window in a way that would likely occur if she lived with you.

[Anonymous]

My 72 year old mom moved in with us 4 months ago and it is going great. Before she came, we were all very open about our expectations and continue to communicate about everything. I think that is key. You can and should plan ahead but you will never be able to anticipate all the issues/potential problems that may arise. BTW, my mom also likes to give "advice" - sometimes it's unhelpful, other times, she comes up with real gems. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

run away

[Anonymous]

I see this not going well. She will not want to downsize. I have a friend who believes every bit of wall should have furniture in front of it. I believe in breathing room. She will not say to herself "Thank goodness Larla and her husband took me in so now I can pay down bills and rebuild savings!" but will instead say "Wow, I am not paying $1100 on rent anymore so that's how much I can spend each month!"

She will not respect your rules regarding the children. You will try to sidestep things by not bringing juice or cookies into your home. She will just take the kids out to eat junk or buy it and keep it hidden in her bedroom (bugs!) to sneak to them.

Disaster in the making.

[Anonymous]

I posted on the other thread about how we have my mom living with us and it's the best thing that ever happened to us. I would proceed with caution in your case.

I think the little criticisms and breaking your rules that you can overlook when your kids are just visiting her will be very different when she is living with you full time. Also, the reason our arrangement works so well is that my mom and I have always gotten along - she is a very easy person to get along with and doesn't ever criticize - and I'm not sure this would work if her personality was different. And the clutter thing would really worry me, since I am a neat freak and despise clutter. My mom sold and donated almost everything she owned to move in with us, since we don't have a ton of space.

I think if you are going to move forward, you would really need to talk openly about those being your concerns. And I might recommend that you think about doing the live-in arrangement on a trial basis -- three months? -- then sit down and talk again about how it's going. If you can't be really open with each other on this stuff, there's a good chance that problems could arise.

By the way, my mom feeds my kids more junk than I would, lets them watch more TV than I would and buys them more toys and clothes than I would like. But I let all that stuff roll off my back since the benefits of having her help are so great. And this is often what Grandmas do, right? My kids know the rules are different with me. So it's also a matter of what you are willing to accept.