Anyone with twins wish they only had 1 child.

[Anonymous]

My DH planned to have 1 child. We thought an single child would fit nicely into our family. We'd be able to travel, to afford private school (very important to us), lessons, etc. Well, I got pregnant with twins. Reduction wasn't an option (emotionally for us - nor would our MFM discuss it - they don't do twins->singletons.) Now, it it three years later and I have 2 VERY rambunctious boys who of course I love very much. But I can't help think how different our lives would have been with the one child we had planned. We haven't been able to take real vacations (financially it is difficult and traveling with 2 infants/toddlers isn't very fun!), we are struggling to pay for our nanny (which costs more than 2x our mortgage) and preschool - and have no idea what we are going to do when they hit kindergarten (our local school system stinks), and we can't afford swimming lessons, etc. Of course I love them - but there might be a little part of me that resents them. Anyone else with multiples feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH planned to have 1 child. We thought an single child would fit nicely into our family. We'd be able to travel, to afford private school (very important to us), lessons, etc. Well, I got pregnant with twins. Reduction wasn't an option (emotionally for us - nor would our MFM discuss it - they don't do twins->singletons.) Now, it it three years later and I have 2 VERY rambunctious boys who of course I love very much. But I can't help think how different our lives would have been with the one child we had planned. We haven't been able to take real vacations (financially it is difficult and traveling with 2 infants/toddlers isn't very fun!), we are struggling to pay for our nanny (which costs more than 2x our mortgage) and preschool - and have no idea what we are going to do when they hit kindergarten (our local school system stinks), and we can't afford swimming lessons, etc. Of course I love them - but there might be a little part of me that resents them. Anyone else with multiples feel this way?

NO. If your boys are similar in interests like specific sports you will have the one child effect - driving to the same place, same school, same back to school night, same volunteering in a class. Easier [less work] then than 2 children. Get some counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH planned to have 1 child. We thought an single child would fit nicely into our family. We'd be able to travel, to afford private school (very important to us), lessons, etc. Well, I got pregnant with twins. Reduction wasn't an option (emotionally for us - nor would our MFM discuss it - they don't do twins->singletons.) Now, it it three years later and I have 2 VERY rambunctious boys who of course I love very much. But I can't help think how different our lives would have been with the one child we had planned. We haven't been able to take real vacations (financially it is difficult and traveling with 2 infants/toddlers isn't very fun!), we are struggling to pay for our nanny (which costs more than 2x our mortgage) and preschool - and have no idea what we are going to do when they hit kindergarten (our local school system stinks), and we can't afford swimming lessons, etc. Of course I love them - but there might be a little part of me that resents them. Anyone else with multiples feel this way?

Are you out of your mind? I seriously think that you need to go and get therapy. Who in the world would resent their children because they can't go on vacation?? Lady, do you know how many women would LOVE to be in your situation? You can plan on having just ONE child...but God planned on you having TWO and for that you should be grateful. How awful would it have been for you if you couldn't have ANY? Then you would be on here singing "Oh woe is me, I can't have babies"....Grow up and get the hell over it!

[Anonymous]

Wow. These replies are harsh. I know this is an anonymous board, but....

OP, I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. And hope that things improve as your children get older. Perhaps when the staggering costs of childcare abate, it may be a bit easier.

I truly believe that it is very difficult when life changing circumstances happen outside of your control. For your own reasons, you wanted 1 child. And that didn't happen. My DH and I are in a similar situation, but on the other side of the spectrum per se. We have a 4 yr old DC and would love to have another. But, because of genetics and the health of our DC, having another child isn't in the cards. My heart aches for another child. And I'm trying to resolve to be thankful for the joy we have with our DC and just be happy. But some days frankly it is really hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. These replies are harsh. I know this is an anonymous board, but....

OP, I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. And hope that things improve as your children get older. Perhaps when the staggering costs of childcare abate, it may be a bit easier.

I truly believe that it is very difficult when life changing circumstances happen outside of your control. For your own reasons, you wanted 1 child. And that didn't happen. My DH and I are in a similar situation, but on the other side of the spectrum per se. We have a 4 yr old DC and would love to have another. But, because of genetics and the health of our DC, having another child isn't in the cards. My heart aches for another child. And I'm trying to resolve to be thankful for the joy we have with our DC and just be happy. But some days frankly it is really hard.

They aren't harsh at all. Welcome to reality...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NO. If your boys are similar in interests like specific sports you will have the one child effect - driving to the same place, same school, same back to school night, same volunteering in a class. Easier [less work] then than 2 children. Get some counseling.

Evidently you have never had twins. It is not easier/less work.

[Anonymous]

Wow -- I'm amazed and appalled by the previous posters. Way to start the year off with a healthy dose of NASTY, ladies . . . .

OP, I'm not in your situation but I imagine I might feel similarly if I were. Having unexpected twins seems similar in many ways to having an unplanned pregnancy, which I know can throw good people for quite a loop!

Have you considered joining a support group for parents of twins? Maybe it would be a good place to find empathy and encouragement (as opposed to nastiness and judgment, as above . . . . )

Good luck to you!!

[Anonymous]

Yikes, I'm sorry you got such nasty responses. I can totally understand how you're feeling - it's always tough when you plan something / have an image of how it will work and then life throws you a curve and the plans are out the window. Of course the financial burdens of two kids are greater than one - types of vacation is a pretty small thing, but still an annoyance, and private school costs & child care costs obviously increase dramatically. Anyway - hard not to have tough days where you picture what a different life would have allowed your family to do and allowed you to provide for your child - but absolutely impossible when you love them both so completely to imagine that life without them both could be so sweet.

[Anonymous]

Wow. This sounds incredibly tough, and of course you resent them a bit--it would only be natural, and it doesn't make you a bad mother. I've got just one child, but I can hear your angst, and sympathize. Perhaps you can think about it from a different perspective, however. The boys have each other--and that makes an enormous difference in the quality of their lives, and will continue to do so, especially after you and your husband are gone. My husband is an only child, and struggling to care for aging and ill parents on his own, with no support from a sibling, no one of his blood to really understand his pain or confusion or frustration. I on the other hand have two brothers, and while we're not always close or on good terms, I know instrinsically that I will always have them for support. Your kids will always have a friend in class at a new school or camp, and someone to share their secrets and private stories with when the lights are out in their room and it's time for bed. My husband and other of my only child friends describe feeling lonely in their childhoods--even though they spent tons of time with their parents--because they didn't have a playmate/sibling.

Financially, of course it's a challenge--especially in this geographic area. Do you need to live here? Can you sell your home in a few years and move to a cheaper place? And what is a "real" vacation? Is that a luxury hotel with meals out every night? Can you reconsider the different types of vacations that might feel good to you? And sure, it's hard with toddlers, but they'll be older in a flash, and easier and more fun to travel with. Consider hiking or a picnic for a weekend activity instead of the movies or dinner out--kids can be as loud as they want outdoors, and it's free and fun and good for you and them.

If not, even without fancy schools and camps, your kids will learn to read, to swim, to build sand castles, and so many more things--*you* will be the one to show them, which is so much more valuable in the end. My dad taught me to swim, my older brother taught me to ride a bike, my younger brother taught me to pick the locks on my parents' bedroom door, and so on--and my family had plenty of money. I have the absolute best memories of those times. There is no magic to private school by the way--I was schooled at the finest prep school in New England, and plenty of private schools before that, and what made the biggest difference in my education and "success" in life was that my parents read to me every day, did my homework with me every night, coached me for the debate team themselves (every night for a week before a tournament, in the living room), made sure I had volunteer jobs on weekends (to teach me the value of helping others), got me up to run every morning before school with them, and expected me to participate from a young age in conversations at the dinner table by making meaningful statements or asking meaningful questions. Your kids won't learn these lessons from the nanny or a swim coach, they'll get them from you, and their lives (and yours) will be so much the richer for it. Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Op here - Thanks, PP. That was really helpful. I know things will get easier as they get older. I know my friends with 1 toddler are complaining - we are just getting a double dose of it!

To all of those snarky posters, no, I am not looking to stay at the Ritz and be pampered - never have been there. But a real vacation that doen't involved going to the grandparents - just so they can seen them 1x a year. Maybe a week at the beach a long weekend somewhere. Christ - have some compassion.

[Anonymous]

All I can say is that it WILL get better.

I have several friends with multiples. One had a girl and then two years later had triplets. She practically went insane. She hired a night nurse. Another had twins after having 4 embryos implanted in her. She and her husband were wrecks for the first two years. They are grateful for their 2 healthy children, but it was (and still is at times) a struggle.

Multiples are very hard early on, but later on they become constant companions (in most cases). So it should only get easier as they get older.

For what it's worth, I have 2 who are years apart, and I am still resentful at times b/c motherhood is thankless. And then there's the damage done to a once tone body!

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Are you out of your mind? I seriously think that you need to go and get therapy. Who in the world would resent their children because they can't go on vacation?? Lady, do you know how many women would LOVE to be in your situation? You can plan on having just ONE child...but God planned on you having TWO and for that you should be grateful. How awful would it have been for you if you couldn't have ANY? Then you would be on here singing "Oh woe is me, I can't have babies"....Grow up and get the hell over it!

To the poster that wrote this: you are complete TRASH. First, have a little compassion--this woman is clearly feeling frustrated and embarassed and possibly ashamed that she has these feelings, and she was just looking for a little support. Second, therapy is a helpful process--not one to be thrown around in an insult, as you've done. Perhaps the OP could benefit from therapy, much more so than from your belittling, shaming response to her. I am SICK TO DEATH of people like you using God as the reason for your nastiness--oh, God said the OP should have two, therefore she's a creep because she feels tired and overwhelmed? Let me tell you, lady, ain't no way God would be pleased with you tossing his name around that way in order to make another of His children feel like shit about herself. Sounds like you're the one who needs to get some counseling for that bitterness chip you're carrying around on your shoulder. Until you do, BACK THE HELL OFF.

[Anonymous]

I think that there are many people who have difficulty adjusting to the reality of multiples, especially when they had fantasies of family life that looked very different. Very little research has been done about the stress that multiple births bring with them - on the individual parents or on the couple. Such situations used to be far more rare and - when they happened - the parents then benefited from additional family and community support in most circumstances.

I would suggest that you look specifically for a group for parents of multiples - or perhaps a board similar to this one devoted to families with multiples. I would imagine you will find more understanding for your position there. Best wishes to you, your sons, and your husband.

[Anonymous]

OP-

I'm so sorry about the message & tone of some of the early responses to your post. Try not to take them to heart. While I am not a mother of twins, the idea of having twins scares the daylights out of me. I think the support group idea is a good one and perhaps it would be useful to talk to someone (professional) to help sort out some of your feelings and find ways to move beyond the feelings of resentment when they surface.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NO. If your boys are similar in interests like specific sports you will have the one child effect - driving to the same place, same school, same back to school night, same volunteering in a class. Easier [less work] then than 2 children. Get some counseling.

Evidently you have never had twins. It is not easier/less work.

PP here. Evidently you have a reading comprehension problem. I HAVE TWINS who are not my only children. If you have 2 athletic boys [same birth year] that BOTH enjoy soccer or baseball they can be on the SAME team. Same practice schedule, same activity. That stuff lasts for years and as they mature there are more practices, etc.

i posted off the word rambunctious which somewhat indicated they are similar in interests.

That is about 3 less drives or events for a parent than having kids on 2 teams [2 practices, 2 games]. Grow-up. Furthermore, if you take time off from work to be with babies it is the same time period missed. You can also schedule consecutive doctors appointments and don't have to bring along young children pr babies to older kids activities.

They also have built in playmates.