Anyone with twins wish they only had 1 child.

[Anonymous]

Another mother of twins here. DH and I were trying for just one more and ended up with two more. One more was going to require significant belt tightening, but two is blowing our budget. I wouldn't trade any of my children for the world, but I do have fantasies about how life would be easier with a singleton. In addition to the financial strain, raising twins is just physically exhausting (speaking from experience sine I am also raising 2 singletons less than two years apart).

I too am surprised by such a harsh response. Your situation is similar to even that of new mothers of singletons who mourn for their pre-baby life. Having children or having more than you bargained for is a huge change to your life. It is okay to mourn what you miss, but do try to concentrate on the positives. Also work on pro-active steps to get the things that you want in life. Since your children are 2, perhaps you want to look at daycare as an option instead of the nanny since your children will be entering pre-school soon anyway. It would probably be cheaper. Also, start a savings fund for a vacation. As I told DH, sometimes I just want to go on a vacation where someone else does the dishes (when we visit family I always end up doing the dishes and work around the house and it is not relaxing). Anyway, I figure I need to start saving now to get to Disney in 3 to 5 years. So, I asm hoping I can squirrel money away to make that happen -- consigning things or selling items on ebay, etc. I am also watching our food budget much more closely.

Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, total sympathies here. I can't get over the obnoxious responses here although luckily now they've been overruled by more sensible and sympathetic posters. I can't imagine having twins; if someone replicated my one very active son I would probably have to be institutionalized. And I can totally relate to the occasional feelings of angst about the life that you somehow ended up with, even when it's the one you wanted. We're about to have #2, a very wanted child after a m/c, but the closer I get to delivery, the more doubts I have about whether this was the right thing to do in terms of our life and our first child. I know that these are just minor neuroses in the scheme of things, but it's useful to have a place like this board to acknowledge this... good for you for posting and hopefully we can all have a civil and supportive discussion. And btw, even with 1 kid our vacations have revolved too much around family visits - and whenever that makes us crazy (pretty frequently) I look around and realize that we're not alone in this. Hopefully it gets better as the kids get older and vacations don't involve so much caretaking!! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Here's a slightly different perspective. We have 6 month old twins as well as a toddler (2 years). So far (and of course things may change) I am finding it much EASIER to care for the twins than a singleton. i think it's a combination of the fact these are easier babies as well as I just happen to know more this time around. It is expensive - no getting around that - but in terms of it being easier with just one baby, know that that is not necessary the case. You should realize too that at 2, you've hit a difficult age which I am told passes (we're still at 2 w/my older one). One thing that I have noticed is now that the twins are slightly more interactive, my 2 year old will actually be occupied for a bit of time playing with them - I am hopeful this is a growing trend and over time having more than 1 will pay off in terms of being able to occupy each other. In addition, b/c there is mroe than 1, I don't feel the same need that I did early on w/the older one to sign up up for classes/arrange playdates etc b/c he's getting (and will get more) socialization at home.

If you are feel financially pressed, maybe it's time to reexamine your priorities (I'm not trying to be snarky w/writing that at all). For example, how important do you think a nanny is for this age versus putting away a buit extra for family vacations? At 2, a daycare setting can work well plus save you $$ for otehr things. If your local school is not good, what about moving father out to an area w/better schools? etc etc.

I do think its normal to feel wistful about what might have been - I definitely longed for my pre-baby days in the first year after #1. but, as one PP stated you do need to look at the positives and I think there are several of them w/twins

[Anonymous]

Like many people on DCUM, I had a vanishing twin, so fate gave me the opposite situation. Now THAT is true heartbreak.

I think that part of parenthood (a part that is sometimes missed in the DC area in particular) is sacrifice. I am sure that twin are a lot of work but my children are just thirteen months apart, and that's a lot of work too. Like you I didn't expect my second child, but I am overjoyed now. My children are best friends and they play together. Financially they are expensive, but that's because DH and I choose to live in this area. I have friends with three and four children who live in way less expensive areas and don't complain at all about money.

I guess I agree with PPs that your attitude seems selfish I'm sorry for your money problems, etc., but life doesn't always turn out perfectly - like one child exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like many people on DCUM, I had a vanishing twin, so fate gave me the opposite situation. Now THAT is true heartbreak.

I think that part of parenthood (a part that is sometimes missed in the DC area in particular) is sacrifice. I am sure that twin are a lot of work but my children are just thirteen months apart, and that's a lot of work too. Like you I didn't expect my second child, but I am overjoyed now. My children are best friends and they play together. Financially they are expensive, but that's because DH and I choose to live in this area. I have friends with three and four children who live in way less expensive areas and don't complain at all about money.

I guess I agree with PPs that your attitude seems selfish I'm sorry for your money problems, etc., but life doesn't always turn out perfectly - like one child exactly.

And I think your post is selfish. What did you really hope to accomplish with this other than bashing the OP? That's a rhetorical question, by the way, so you don't need to answer it. Others who have had vanishing twins have managed to respond sensitively to the OP. Perhaps you ought to figure out why you felt the need to take the opposite approach and get some counseling to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like many people on DCUM, I had a vanishing twin, so fate gave me the opposite situation. Now THAT is true heartbreak.

I think that part of parenthood (a part that is sometimes missed in the DC area in particular) is sacrifice. I am sure that twin are a lot of work but my children are just thirteen months apart, and that's a lot of work too. Like you I didn't expect my second child, but I am overjoyed now. My children are best friends and they play together. Financially they are expensive, but that's because DH and I choose to live in this area. I have friends with three and four children who live in way less expensive areas and don't complain at all about money.

I guess I agree with PPs that your attitude seems selfish I'm sorry for your money problems, etc., but life doesn't always turn out perfectly - like one child exactly.

And I think your post is selfish. What did you really hope to accomplish with this other than bashing the OP? That's a rhetorical question, by the way, so you don't need to answer it. Others who have had vanishing twins have managed to respond sensitively to the OP. Perhaps you ought to figure out why you felt the need to take the opposite approach and get some counseling to deal with it.

You are insane. First of all, I am not "bashing" the OP. Secondly, show me another person on this thread who has had a vanishing twin? Have you?

Lots of posters here are answering OP honestly. We are saying, no, we do not feel the same way as her. We give up vacations to pay for our children's tuitions. We make all sorts of other sacrifices without whining and complaining about it. We disagree with her and her need for sympathy.

So get over yourself.

And OP needs therapy before her children realize that she resents them.

[Anonymous]

OP here - yet again. Good grief. Who knew my inquiry would lead to such vitriol. Oh, right this is DCUM - I should have known better. I was just seeking to see if anyone else have felt this way - and I found they do. And I found that there are many people who could have just avoided answering all together, because as my mama told me, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Evidently other mother's needed to pass on that information to their children.

To clarify a few things. No, my children don't know/think I resent them. We play, we romp, we cuddle, we laugh, we read, we draw, and we have fun. I come in late and leave work (unauthorized) an hour early each day to be home with them for as much time as possible.

We do plan on leaving this area in a few years. My DH is finishing his PhD which requires us to live here until he graduates (2-3 years.) We do live far out in the suburbs (about 40 minutes from DC) for cheaper cost of living. By vacation, I mean something simple and easy. We went to Dutch Wonderland last year and my kids hated it - guess they don't like rides and it was a disaster. Who knew? This year we'll try something else. I agree that we (I) need time alone - but without grandparents to help, no other family, friends who have chosen to remain childless, and a DH who works FT and goes to school FT, it is hard.

To everyone who offered support and similar situations, thank you. To everyone who didn't. Well, I will just follow my mama's advice.

[Anonymous]

Op, Can't imagine want it is like with Twin toddlers, as I only have one very active boy myself.Let me just say that vacations aren't really an option for us either, or let me say FUN vacations aren't at least. I believe that is a funtion of having even just one active toddler. That aside, I think you should consider moving somewhere where the schools are better-that will save you so much money and grief in the end. Maybe just look into to it and see what places you could afford... You might be suprised and find something you like a lot. Also, I can imagine having twins can as a shock to you, but by now perhaps you should just move forward with your life as it is. Forgetting the "what could have beens". Be happy you have two healthy active boys, who I'm sure will bring you MUCH joy in the years to come. You could have ended up with an only child with many health problems and special needs...that would have made life even more difficult. Vacations will always be there for you later in life. Enjoy what you have now. Be thankful for what you do have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - yet again. Good grief. Who knew my inquiry would lead to such vitriol. Oh, right this is DCUM - I should have known better. I was just seeking to see if anyone else have felt this way - and I found they do. And I found that there are many people who could have just avoided answering all together, because as my mama told me, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Evidently other mother's needed to pass on that information to their children.

To clarify a few things. No, my children don't know/think I resent them. We play, we romp, we cuddle, we laugh, we read, we draw, and we have fun. I come in late and leave work (unauthorized) an hour early each day to be home with them for as much time as possible.

We do plan on leaving this area in a few years. My DH is finishing his PhD which requires us to live here until he graduates (2-3 years.) We do live far out in the suburbs (about 40 minutes from DC) for cheaper cost of living. By vacation, I mean something simple and easy. We went to Dutch Wonderland last year and my kids hated it - guess they don't like rides and it was a disaster. Who knew? This year we'll try something else. I agree that we (I) need time alone - but without grandparents to help, no other family, friends who have chosen to remain childless, and a DH who works FT and goes to school FT, it is hard.

To everyone who offered support and similar situations, thank you. To everyone who didn't. Well, I will just follow my mama's advice.

You're a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - yet again. Good grief. Who knew my inquiry would lead to such vitriol. Oh, right this is DCUM - I should have known better. I was just seeking to see if anyone else have felt this way - and I found they do. And I found that there are many people who could have just avoided answering all together, because as my mama told me, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Evidently other mother's needed to pass on that information to their children.

To clarify a few things. No, my children don't know/think I resent them. We play, we romp, we cuddle, we laugh, we read, we draw, and we have fun. I come in late and leave work (unauthorized) an hour early each day to be home with them for as much time as possible.

We do plan on leaving this area in a few years. My DH is finishing his PhD which requires us to live here until he graduates (2-3 years.) We do live far out in the suburbs (about 40 minutes from DC) for cheaper cost of living. By vacation, I mean something simple and easy. We went to Dutch Wonderland last year and my kids hated it - guess they don't like rides and it was a disaster. Who knew? This year we'll try something else. I agree that we (I) need time alone - but without grandparents to help, no other family, friends who have chosen to remain childless, and a DH who works FT and goes to school FT, it is hard.

To everyone who offered support and similar situations, thank you. To everyone who didn't. Well, I will just follow my mama's advice.

You're a horrible person.

Eek-- same person. SORRY! I meant to send this reply to the despicable individual who told OP that she needs therapy before her children know that she resents them. That was such a cruel, mean, pointless thing to do that I was shocked-- and hit the quote button on the wrong post.

OP, you have broached the one taboo topic for the modern American mother-- expressing anything less than outright joy and thankfulness about our children, even children who were not a part of our reproductive plans. What you're seeing from the disapproving posters here is a strong reaction to that taboo being touched. But your feelings are real. Anyone who's ever had or even babysat for a child knows that they are life-changers. People work very hard to plan and raise families that are managable for their life circumstances and their temperaments. Accidents of ovulation and cell division do not invalidate the judgment that went into your decisions, even though, once they happen, they are human beings that you cherish with all you have.

So anyway, you are not wrong here-- and to the people saying that OP is selfish for not feeling the way you do, or for admitting frustrations that you think shouldn't be spoken aloud, back off.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I put a moratorium on vacations after a disastrous cruise at age 18 mos with one child. I just thought it was a waste of money to go on vacation when there was nothing relaxing or vacationlike about it. Instead, I took my vacation from work, dropped my daughter of at daycare and took a spa day or a shopping day or whatever during the toddler years. It worked out so much better for us. Now that she is through toddlerhood we are travelling lots more and we all enjoy a vacation instead of everyone else having a relaxing and wonderful time except me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - yet again. Good grief. Who knew my inquiry would lead to such vitriol. Oh, right this is DCUM - I should have known better. I was just seeking to see if anyone else have felt this way - and I found they do. And I found that there are many people who could have just avoided answering all together, because as my mama told me, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Evidently other mother's needed to pass on that information to their children.

To clarify a few things. No, my children don't know/think I resent them. We play, we romp, we cuddle, we laugh, we read, we draw, and we have fun. I come in late and leave work (unauthorized) an hour early each day to be home with them for as much time as possible.

We do plan on leaving this area in a few years. My DH is finishing his PhD which requires us to live here until he graduates (2-3 years.) We do live far out in the suburbs (about 40 minutes from DC) for cheaper cost of living. By vacation, I mean something simple and easy. We went to Dutch Wonderland last year and my kids hated it - guess they don't like rides and it was a disaster. Who knew? This year we'll try something else. I agree that we (I) need time alone - but without grandparents to help, no other family, friends who have chosen to remain childless, and a DH who works FT and goes to school FT, it is hard.

To everyone who offered support and similar situations, thank you. To everyone who didn't. Well, I will just follow my mama's advice.

You're a horrible person.

??? Wow. What a response. You should get some counseling.

[Anonymous]

If you are not able to get by every single day, 24 hours out of 7, with a constant smile on your face, DCUM folks will have a fit.
I don't know what kind of creature even without kids can do that. Maybe if this was posted by a man the response would have been different.

[Anonymous]

It isn't selfish to feel bad feelings. We all have them.

Selfish comes in through how we respond to those feelings (i.e. spew vitriol at an anonymous OP who is clearly struggling).

So, OP, if you aren't overjoyed about living with a grad student husband while raising unexpected twins, you are probably just honest. I do think you may want to look at some short term therapy - anyone living with a dissertator (however you spell that) deserves a sympathetic ear.

[Anonymous]

OP,

My dad was a grad student and they had a 3 year old and a 13 month old when my mom gave birth to twins.

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad for complaining about your lot in life -- but more to cheer you up that it could be a LOT worse! And yes, if my parents weren't insane to attempt that, they surely were after we all arrived. But I'm one of the twins, so I'm sure glad they did it!