Vent: Friend was helicoptered into uselessness

[Anonymous]

I have been kind and supportive in person, but need to vent about this somewhere. I am late 20's with no degree but I work 3 jobs and am now at the point where. I make a very good living in my field because my hands-on experience makes me very valuable. I had some crappy jobs while I was learning, but worked hard and walked away with glowing references.

I have a friend who is the same age who complains constantly about work, and basically the problem is that she has no work ethic. She moved to DC for a clerical job, and lasted less than a year before she and her employer "mutually" agreed that she wasn't a good fit. She claims that she wants to be a professional singer /actress and her current job is with a children's performing company as basically a roadie for performers. She is supposed to book appearances during her on days, drive and help set up/take down and manage the crowd.

She spent an hour last night telling me how unfair it is that
A) she is expected to show up on time, even though it's not a 9-5 office job
B) she is expected to book as many appearances as her coworker. The coworker is older, confident and has kids (and therefore "connections") and my friend shouldn't be expected to live up to her coworker's example despite being paid the same amount for the same job.
C) when they don't have a booked appearance (because she didn't book one), she shouldn't have to work, even if it's her scheduled day. She should be allowed to pursue outside hobbies during that time.

I really feel she needs a swift kick from reality, but there's just no way to say, "grow up and do your job" and still be friends . Ugh. Hoping she will grow out of this phase.

[Anonymous]

This might be bad advice but I think that's all you can do if you want to stay friends is hope she grows out of it. My husband is different- he will tell his friends exactly what he thinks and when they are being asshats. I tend to just smile and not say anything, and then complain to my husband that they are being an asshat.

[Anonymous]

Op listen to this..
http://www.npr.org/2013/09/06/211722893/is-30-really-the-new-20

[Anonymous]

"I'm hearing too much about your problems at work. Let's talk about something else."

You owe it to her to tell her honestly that there's a limit. And to tell her when she reaches it. And make sure you don't waiver and send mixed-messages. If after warning her a few times, if she is so self-centered that she doesn't care about YOUR feelings - do not feel bad about dropping the friendship.

She doesn't need your reality check. You do need to establish boundaries. It's should be all about her dumping.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this, OP. She landed a cushy job she was unqualified for (as her very first job ever), got mad that they wanted her to work normal hours, blackmailed them into letting her work from home 4 days a week, got mad that they wanted her to come in 1 day a week, so she quit and lives off her husband (no kids). What the what?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm hearing too much about your problems at work. Let's talk about something else."

You owe it to her to tell her honestly that there's a limit. And to tell her when she reaches it. And make sure you don't waiver and send mixed-messages. If after warning her a few times, if she is so self-centered that she doesn't care about YOUR feelings - do not feel bad about dropping the friendship.

She doesn't need your reality check. You do need to establish boundaries. It's should be all about her dumping.

Thanks. This is very good advice. I am not used to drawing boundaries with friends because I have to do it constantly with family members and typically just withdraw from friendships where boundaries are an issue--i needed the reminder that i am part of our dynamic too!

[Anonymous]

When I was in my late 20s I had a friend like this. She had a BS in Business Finance, yet she always took jobs that did not require a degree and then would complain that she was not being respected at work - she was an administrative assistant at one job and was offended that they did not see her as a finance person (she applied for and accepted an administrative job). That is an example of her pattern as she would get bored and such at her job and be very critical of everyone she worked with. She was uanble to see that the common link was always "her". Anyway, I felt like a dumping ground as whenever she would call me it would be just to complain about her job, life, etc. At first I would try to change the subject when she would start dumping, but if she continued, I would tell her that I had another committment and have to get off the phone. I was too passive and I needed to be more assertive. When it got to the point where I would dread seeing her name come up I realized the friendship was over. It was officially over when I told her what I thought - that many of her "issues" could be resolved if she A) took a job that required her degree or B) accepted the job that she applied for and was supposed to be doing, C) since she had moved back in with her parents (another of her complaints), she could afford to take a risk and quit her job to pursue another if she really really wanted to. She was not trapped. She hung up on me and we never spoke again.

If you still have feelings for her and your friendship, you need to talk to her before it is too late - as I waited too long and I lost a friend. Likely, if I had spoken up before I was completely aggravated with her, I would have approached our conversation differently.

[Anonymous]

Greatest teacher is life itself.
Either she'll learn or life will keep failing her forcing her to repeat the same grade again and again and again.