Just had horrible screaming match with MIL

[Anonymous]

I am shaking because my MIL just came over to see the kids and it ended in a screaming match. I feel that MIL has never respected me, she bullies me and is critical. She doesn't listen to me and says rude stuff. MIL has been driving me insane my whole marriage of almost 10 years. DH has never adequately intervened or stood up for me. So, a recent event happened with MIL where she did something that partially effected my child and I am furious about it. So she came over and we had it out --- yelling, screaming, etc. She called me crazy and said she better leave before she told me what she really thinks of me. FIL and DH had to shuffle her out the door.

DH has not spoken to me since they left. Pretty sure he is mad at me because he is one to ignore issues and not be confrontational.

I am just so upset. Wanted to vent.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. I have been in your shoes and don't have any answers. Try to calm down completely before trying to talk to your DH about it. I would suggest talking to DH and apologizing for your part in the yelling match and ask him if you can set up a time to really discuss what happened and solutions going forward. You have to find a way to co-exist for the sake of your DH and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Yelling and screaming is never ok. Who yelled first?

[Anonymous]

Omg! What did she do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Yelling and screaming is never ok. Who yelled first?

Does it matter who yelled first since clearly the other person yelled back?

[Anonymous]

This is what happens when resentment festers. Don't feel bad about it - after 10 years, it had to happen and now finally your relationship can move forward! So congrats on that

As for your husband, he may not be as angry as you think, but perhaps he is as shaken as you and needs to sort through his feelings.

Tell your husband you need to talk about your MIL, and set a date for tomorrow (or tonight, if you are both calm enough). As soon as may be, before his parents get to him first.

During this discussion, agree in advance that the past cannot be undone and there will be no finger pointing. Just team work on how to make sure it never happens again.

This will be where you marshal your arguments of:
- you and DH as a team, unified against everybody, specifically the ILs on both sides. You have to consult each other and back each other up in front of family and friends.
- you will snap again in the future, or not allow her in the house, or not allow her access to the kids, if MIL does not stop disrespecting you.
- no DIL has to take any abuse from their MIL in the 21st century, so your husband can let go of that right now. That said, please be reasonable and let go of as many things as possible!

[Anonymous]

You give no details so we can't determine who's wrong

[Anonymous]

Need more details! What was the worst thing you said to her and vice versa?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You give no details so we can't determine who's wrong

Without details, how will we ever judge you, OP?

You must spill the details, so that you can get the nasty judgment that DCUM knows you deserve.

[Anonymous]

I would be shaking from the exhilaration of finally speaking my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be shaking from the exhilaration of finally speaking my mind.

No kidding. My MIL is afraid of her own shadow. If a man speaks, she runs (doesn't walk) to please him. It's comical. I'm proud of you OP. Its sounds like it had to be done. She doesn't respect herself, how is she going to respect you?

My MIL looks for trouble, and opportunities to "play superior". It gets old quick.

[Anonymous]

Were the Police called?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am shaking because my MIL just came over to see the kids and it ended in a screaming match. I feel that MIL has never respected me, she bullies me and is critical. She doesn't listen to me and says rude stuff. MIL has been driving me insane my whole marriage of almost 10 years. DH has never adequately intervened or stood up for me. So, a recent event happened with MIL where she did something that partially effected my child and I am furious about it. So she came over and we had it out --- yelling, screaming, etc. She called me crazy and said she better leave before she told me what she really thinks of me. FIL and DH had to shuffle her out the door.

DH has not spoken to me since they left. Pretty sure he is mad at me because he is one to ignore issues and not be confrontational.

I am just so upset. Wanted to vent.

How very Jerry Springer Show of you. A screaming match with your MIL. Not good. Not good. I really hope that you don't have a creaming match with your DIL when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Why/and how is she involved in your life? Guests call before they come over, you say yes or no. If you don't want to entertain them in your home you meet at a neutral location. Nothing is required of you? What is it? Are you dependent on them for something? Do you ask for favors? Do they provide money? Is there a family business? Do you accept free childcare? Definitely don't take a thing from them, then you owe them nothing. nothing at all. What is there to fight about?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm guessing that you and MIL are more alike than different. Your husband was probably drawn to qualities in you that he recognized in his mother. His response to both of you is to withdraw. The question is how you will change this dynamic. As others have suggested, you need to talk with him calmly and own your behavior. You lost it and need to apologize. You need to figure out how you are going to manage your feelings around MIL. You need to let your husband know that you have felt abandoned by what you perceive as his lack of support.

And then you need to be quiet and listen to him. He may be checking out because he is afraid to confront you and call you out on being overly sensitive or critical of MIL. Who knows. The bottom line is that you and he need to figure out how you are going to move forward together. It might be a good idea to enlist the help of a therapist. If husband struggles to confront, he may need a therapist there to help navigate the conversation.