Becoming more physically attracted to your spouse?

[Anonymous]

I want to be more physically attracted to my spouse than I am. He was never really my "type" physically, but I was attracted to everything else about him and figured we all lose our looks eventually anyway and that the things that really mattered were all there. We've been married for 7 years and together for 14, and over time I'm becoming less physically attracted to him (namely a bit of weight gain that has obscured the aspects of his physique that I did find attractive), to the point that I think it's affecting my sexual desire. I feel like such an asshole for feeling this way, and want to overcome it. Our relationship is fantastic aside from this, and he thinks I just have a low sex drive - I'd never let on that I'm not super turned on by him in general. Has anyone overcome this sort of issue and figured out how to be hot for their spouse again, even if their appearance isn't 100% your cup of tea?

[Anonymous]

Perhaps remove the visual for you? Have him blindfold you and get a bit kinky. Lose yourself in the sensations and enjoy the intimacy you already share, having been together sexually for 14 years.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I started working out and asked DH to work out with me to keep me motivated and sticking to it. DH lost the pot belly and once that part got better, he started dressing better, spending more time on his hair, etc.

[Anonymous]

I have this same problem, but it is mostly linked to my husband's weight gain since we started dating. He's so much hotter to me when he weighs less and it hurts my feelings that he doesn't care at all what I think about his weight. I typically just keep my eyes closed when we have sex and try and focus on how I feel about him as a person (I love his brain, how he is a great husband and partner, etc.). I spent years trying all sorts of different ways to get him to lose weight: fighting with him about exercising more, encouraging him to exercise more, not saying anything at all about his weight, etc., etc. I just try and fix healthy meals for him at home and encourage him if he starts exercising again or loses weight. I just wished he cared about his weight a little more. He's only about 20-30 lbs overweight, but exercising and being fit just isn't a priority for him. But, I understand that external validation isn't a motivator for his behavior and have tried to make my peace with it. I fantasize about the fit late 30's/early 40's guys I see at the gym and hope that their wives appreciate that their husbands are so fit. Oh, I should say that I am a very fit person and weigh the same as I did when I was in my early 20's when we met despite having 3 kids. I love exercising and feel that it makes me feel better and more alive. He was more into fitness when we first started dating and then his career trumped exercising.

[Anonymous]

I imagine he's someone else. It's still a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this same problem, but it is mostly linked to my husband's weight gain since we started dating. He's so much hotter to me when he weighs less and it hurts my feelings that he doesn't care at all what I think about his weight. I typically just keep my eyes closed when we have sex and try and focus on how I feel about him as a person (I love his brain, how he is a great husband and partner, etc.). I spent years trying all sorts of different ways to get him to lose weight: fighting with him about exercising more, encouraging him to exercise more, not saying anything at all about his weight, etc., etc. I just try and fix healthy meals for him at home and encourage him if he starts exercising again or loses weight. I just wished he cared about his weight a little more. He's only about 20-30 lbs overweight, but exercising and being fit just isn't a priority for him. But, I understand that external validation isn't a motivator for his behavior and have tried to make my peace with it. I fantasize about the fit late 30's/early 40's guys I see at the gym and hope that their wives appreciate that their husbands are so fit. Oh, I should say that I am a very fit person and weigh the same as I did when I was in my early 20's when we met despite having 3 kids. I love exercising and feel that it makes me feel better and more alive. He was more into fitness when we first started dating and then his career trumped exercising.

I really dislike you.

[Anonymous]

This sounds horrible but I tell my DH that I like him fit, he knows that I'm attracted to a fit body.
DH will say the same to me if I get a bit too lax (this is barring any life stressors that impact our weight - in that case we would never say anything). I know DH loves me no matter what, and will happily have sex with me (and vice versa) but there is definitely more attraction when we're both fit.

[Anonymous]

And who says beauty is only skin deep?

[Anonymous]

Have him be a stay at home Dad with school age kids. Then when the kids are at school he can work out with a personal trainer (maybe a fit woman to keep him motivated to go).

[Anonymous]

LIQUOR!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LIQUOR!!!

Makes even the ugliest chicks look HOT!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds horrible but I tell my DH that I like him fit, he knows that I'm attracted to a fit body.
DH will say the same to me if I get a bit too lax (this is barring any life stressors that impact our weight - in that case we would never say anything). I know DH loves me no matter what, and will happily have sex with me (and vice versa) but there is definitely more attraction when we're both fit.

In our case I think it's definitely impacted by stressors. Before (lots of) things became stressful in the past couple years, he stayed pretty fit. I'm hoping when life starts to feel more manageable (which it should in the next year, we've made some big changes that will hopefully improve lots of things) that he will get fit again on his own. I'm definitely not intending to say anything at this point, and hoping to figure out how to look past it for the time being. I don't really exercise or eat incredibly well right now either, but I've managed to keep my weight in check regardless. I think I would be really hurt if this scenario was reversed and I'd gained weight due to stress and he told me it was affecting his attraction for me ... so I think I need to wait it out and try not to let things fizzle too much in the meanwhile. It's just hard since the level of physical attraction was not incredibly high to start with.

[Anonymous]

DH here: I think you should be honest with him and give him a chance to fix it. I'd rather know the truth and find a way to deal with it. Also, just a PSA for the single women on DCUM, please don't marry a man you don't find that attractive. It kind of sucks to spend years wo dering why your DW isn't that into sex. Ask me how I know. ;-p

[Anonymous]

glad a women has these issues too. I am less attracted to my wife now than before, she just never lost the baby weight....

but really I am a good person just don't like the fat mom body

she doesn't even work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here: I think you should be honest with him and give him a chance to fix it. I'd rather know the truth and find a way to deal with it. Also, just a PSA for the single women on DCUM, please don't marry a man you don't find that attractive. It kind of sucks to spend years wo dering why your DW isn't that into sex. Ask me how I know. ;-p

Abso-fucking-lutely. Unless you're a complete troll, there is someone in the world who will probably find you attractive. It's just cruel to deprive your s/o of a chance to find that person if you aren't one who does.