When younger sister visits, she never lifts a finger. Is this common?

[Anonymous]

I have a half-sister who is 15 years younger than me (I'm in my mid-40s). She is single. Whenever she visits, she rarely lifts a finger to help out around the house. I'm wondering if this is common: do people with single younger siblings wind up just doing all the cooking/clean up/etc.? I have a husband who works ridiculously long hours, so I'm already pulling most of the load around the house, and we have a preschooler, so that makes two people I wind up looking after. When my sister visits, it would be nice to get a bit of a helping hand, but instead I just get a third person to clean up after and cook for. It upsets me because I can't understand why it doesn't occur to her to help out a bit. Just by way of an example, today I cleaned up the kitchen three times, cooked breakfast, lunch, dinner, made coffee and tea, set the table, cleared the table, loaded/unloaded the dishwasher, cleared up multiple projects of DC's (thanks to the snow day), did laundry, and some other routine things. I went upstairs to put DC to bed after dinner (DH was out) and when I came down half an hour later, she was parked in a chair sipping wine and working her phone while the dirty dinner dishes were still on the table and the kitchen was a mess from when I made dinner. I just don't get this because when I was her age, when I visited family or anyone else I was interested in lending a hand and helping out, not just parking on my butt and letting other people do all the work. In her shoes, how does she not think of at least clearing the dinner table and bringing stuff into the kitchen and putting it on the counter? FWIW, she is not somebody with a full-time job and therefore needs to be in "vacation mode" when she visits. I know people will say that I should just ask her for help or assign her duties, but the problem is that it upsets me that she doesn't have the empathy towards me to think of helping me out without me having to assign her tasks. She knows the dinner plates are dirty. She knows I spent 40 minutes cooking dinner. She knows the table has to be cleared and the kitchen cleaned up. Why can't it occur to her to want to help me out? Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand your expectations. She is a guest in your home!

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a brat. I wouldn't have done that at her age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand your expectations. She is a guest in your home!

So you act like that when you're a guest? Aren't you a gracious guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand your expectations. She is a guest in your home!

So you act like that when you're a guest? Aren't you a gracious guest.

I am a very gracious host.

[Anonymous]

When I visit family, I never expect them to wait on me. Well, when I visit anyone really. I am willing to bet this isn't the only area where your sister acts entitled and bratty, is it?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I am the youngest by 12 years n can see how she thinks a bit maybe-she sees you as more of a mother than a sister. Plus -she's single n no kids- still sees herself as a kid-at that age still pretty self absorbed. Call attention to it "Hey could you help me out a bit?"

[Anonymous]

Seems like your problem is your husband, not your sister. He needs to step up, or agree to spend more on housekeepers etc.

[Anonymous]

It's reasonable to expect her to clean up after herself, lend a hand with the dishes etc.

It's not ok to expect her to do laundry, baby sit, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I am the youngest by 12 years n can see how she thinks a bit maybe-she sees you as more of a mother than a sister. Plus -she's single n no kids- still sees herself as a kid-at that age still pretty self absorbed. Call attention to it "Hey could you help me out a bit?"

Thanks for this perspective. It's helpful. Of course, I'm not sure a 30-year-old kid should expect their mom to do all the work while the adult kid just lounges around, but what you say makes sense.

Thanks to the other PPs too. I'm not expecting her to do household chores, just help a bit with meal-related stuff like setting/clearing the table, asking if there's any dinner prep she can help with, etc. I was a little annoyed when I said I was going to go out and shovel the walk today and she said, "well, I'll be right here on the couch, reading." Gee, thanks for offering to pitch in and lend me a hand! . As far as the PP who said the problem is my husband, I assure you it's not. We can't afford a Carson to clean up after us, and I also think it's more about my sister's attitude. As the PP put it, my sister is definitely self-absorbed. Maybe I'll start forcing myself to ask her to do basic stuff like setting the table or chopping some carrots and see how that goes.

[Anonymous]

She should know to lend a hand, yes. But since she doesn't - and you are close family - here is your chance to teach her. Just simply say, "Hey Sissy, give me a hand getting dinner out" or call from the kitchen "Can you please bring those glasses in to get washed" and when she gets in, toss a dishcloth and say "I'll wash, you dry and I'll tell you where they go." And then thank her for helping "Thanks a bunch. That went much faster with 2 sets of hands." Be specific with requests "Do me a favor and toss your towels in the washer please?"

It's not worth stewing over her behavior because it sounds like she's just clueless. Clue her in nicely and you'll get more cooperation.

[Anonymous]

No. I have four kids, I teach them part of "make yourself at home" is to act like a part of the family. When my youngest goes to visit my oldest (6 yr old to 22 yr old) she absolutely knows she is to clean up after herself, and help out in general as needed as part of a thank you for allowing her to be a guest.

[Anonymous]

You teach people how to treat you…

You don't say if she comes often or how long she stays. If she is coming from far away and staying for days/weeks, then it's not reasonable for her to expect you to do all the cooking/clean up/food buying etc. BUT she shouldn't be expected to read minds either. "Do you want to cook dinner tonight or clean up after, I'll do whichever one you don't" will set the tone for your expectations. Certainly, if you are inviting her and she isn't living up to expectations that you make clear, then stop inviting her. But give her a chance to prove herself a poor guest, don't make her guess what you want/expect.

I'm not sure what else you would expect from her though. If she is a guest in your house, keeping her own things out from under foot, cooking/cleaning up from shared meals are all you really are owed. Helping to clean up your house, watch your kid, shovel your drive or wash your laundry are NOT reasonable expectations, even in you are swamped and she is sipping wine and texting. There are plenty of us who would happily volunteer to help out, but it's not within reason to ask or expect this type of help unless she is a long-term guest (months?) or a roommate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should know to lend a hand, yes. But since she doesn't - and you are close family - here is your chance to teach her. Just simply say, "Hey Sissy, give me a hand getting dinner out" or call from the kitchen "Can you please bring those glasses in to get washed" and when she gets in, toss a dishcloth and say "I'll wash, you dry and I'll tell you where they go." And then thank her for helping "Thanks a bunch. That went much faster with 2 sets of hands." Be specific with requests "Do me a favor and toss your towels in the washer please?"

It's not worth stewing over her behavior because it sounds like she's just clueless. Clue her in nicely and you'll get more cooperation.

This.

[Anonymous]

It's not reasonable for her to expect to be waited on. It's not reasonable for you to expect that she would be lightening your load while she's there. Guests do not lighten the load. They add to it.