Hurt and at a stalemate

[Anonymous]

DH has been on a roll of sorts with saying and doing things that really sting, with the underlying message being that my time, effort, and possessions are not of value in his eyes. Of course he doesn't consciously subscribe to that but there is a common theme in his actions and I'm just hurt. But he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and just wants to move on with life - to reengage in intimacy and normal romance after none of the issues have been resolved. I was willing to let the first one or two things go (we can all be jerks sometimes, right?) but then something new comes up, like picking at a scab, and it just compounds the whole thing.

Anyway, I'm really hurt, I'm beyond being able to just hug it out and move on with things as usual, but he has no remorse (I don't want an insincere apology anyway) and so we're kind of just stuck at the moment. I'm thinking maybe I need some space - maybe if I move into the guest room and just have a chance to let a few things heal before he can do the next hurtful thing - maybe I'll be able to return feeling a bit more resilient and maybe he'll feel less oppressed or whatever his issue is and be more considerate.

For what it's worth, we generally have a happy marriage. This past year was one of the happiest of my life and it was largely due to his role in my life and the family we're building together. We're just in a rut at the moment and it's really weighing on me, I don't know how to turn it around, and I don't think I can stay engaged while it continues to go down hill. I'm starting to understand how some married couples find it easier to live apart.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on what exactly he has done that was hurtful. Can you tell us more about that?

[Anonymous]

Anyway, I'm really hurt, I'm beyond being able to just hug it out and move on with things as usual, but he has no remorse (I don't want an insincere apology anyway) and so we're kind of just stuck at the moment. I'm thinking maybe I need some space - maybe if I move into the guest room and just have a chance to let a few things heal before he can do the next hurtful thing - maybe I'll be able to return feeling a bit more resilient and maybe he'll feel less oppressed or whatever his issue is and be more considerate.

I have similar issues with DH, who cna be abrasive and hostile, but jsut rolls on and doesn't think its a big deal or does kiss and make up. Meanwhile, I stew and feel hurt and withdraw.
HOWEVER, I have also learned that the more I withdraw, the more he is aggressive--he senses me withdrawing, gets anxious and stressed and lashes out more. (eg, we are in classic pursuer/fleer mode).
SO, as much as I would have the same tendency as you do--to withdraw and 'heal'--I know that in our marriage it would absolutely produce the opposite effect: DH woudl see it as a kind of silent, passive aggressive move and it would make things worse.

Better to find a time to engge with him about your feelings when he is capable of listening. Or do so in a counselors office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really depends on what exactly he has done that was hurtful. Can you tell us more about that?

Things like bailing at the last minute on plans we committed to and that I was tasked with organizing (took weeks of planning on my part) and destroying items of sentimental (and sometimes real) value to me. There are other smaller issues that exacerbate the thing but those are that main points of contention at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has been on a roll of sorts with saying and doing things that really sting, with the underlying message being that my time, effort, and possessions are not of value in his eyes. Of course he doesn't consciously subscribe to that but there is a common theme in his actions and I'm just hurt. But he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and just wants to move on with life - to reengage in intimacy and normal romance after none of the issues have been resolved. I was willing to let the first one or two things go (we can all be jerks sometimes, right?) but then something new comes up, like picking at a scab, and it just compounds the whole thing.

Anyway, I'm really hurt, I'm beyond being able to just hug it out and move on with things as usual, but he has no remorse (I don't want an insincere apology anyway) and so we're kind of just stuck at the moment. I'm thinking maybe I need some space - maybe if I move into the guest room and just have a chance to let a few things heal before he can do the next hurtful thing - maybe I'll be able to return feeling a bit more resilient and maybe he'll feel less oppressed or whatever his issue is and be more considerate.

For what it's worth, we generally have a happy marriage. This past year was one of the happiest of my life and it was largely due to his role in my life and the family we're building together. We're just in a rut at the moment and it's really weighing on me, I don't know how to turn it around, and I don't think I can stay engaged while it continues to go down hill. I'm starting to understand how some married couples find it easier to live apart.

So you decided to withhold sex until he apologizes like he means it? This should work out well.

[Anonymous]

Tell him this:
"This past year was one of the happiest of my life and it was largely due to your role in my life and the family we're building together. But I'm so hurt by some of the things that have happened recently that it's really weighing on me, and I don't know how to turn these feelings around. I think marriage counseling might help us "move on" together. Are you willing to try that with me?" Then find a counselor and go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him this:
"This past year was one of the happiest of my life and it was largely due to your role in my life and the family we're building together. But I'm so hurt by some of the things that have happened recently that it's really weighing on me, and I don't know how to turn these feelings around. I think marriage counseling might help us "move on" together. Are you willing to try that with me?" Then find a counselor and go.

+1

This is a perfect way of wording your feelings in a way that shouldn't make him jump straight into a defensive position. Acknowledge how happy you've been, how you're currently hurt by recent happenings, and that you want to find a way to resolve those feelings so you can both move on with being even happier. Except I suggest finding a counselor first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been on a roll of sorts with saying and doing things that really sting, with the underlying message being that my time, effort, and possessions are not of value in his eyes. Of course he doesn't consciously subscribe to that but there is a common theme in his actions and I'm just hurt. But he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and just wants to move on with life - to reengage in intimacy and normal romance after none of the issues have been resolved. I was willing to let the first one or two things go (we can all be jerks sometimes, right?) but then something new comes up, like picking at a scab, and it just compounds the whole thing.

Anyway, I'm really hurt, I'm beyond being able to just hug it out and move on with things as usual, but he has no remorse (I don't want an insincere apology anyway) and so we're kind of just stuck at the moment. I'm thinking maybe I need some space - maybe if I move into the guest room and just have a chance to let a few things heal before he can do the next hurtful thing - maybe I'll be able to return feeling a bit more resilient and maybe he'll feel less oppressed or whatever his issue is and be more considerate.

For what it's worth, we generally have a happy marriage. This past year was one of the happiest of my life and it was largely due to his role in my life and the family we're building together. We're just in a rut at the moment and it's really weighing on me, I don't know how to turn it around, and I don't think I can stay engaged while it continues to go down hill. I'm starting to understand how some married couples find it easier to live apart.

So you decided to withhold sex until he apologizes like he means it? This should work out well.

No, she should stuff her feelings while continuing to service her husband. That's all she's good for anyways.

[Anonymous]

Op sounds like a handful.

[Anonymous]

So do you have low self-esteem and tend to harbor grudges? Or is he bad at apologizing and tends to be more self-oriented?

You can only fix you, figure out what your needs are and what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really depends on what exactly he has done that was hurtful. Can you tell us more about that?

Things like bailing at the last minute on plans we committed to and that I was tasked with organizing (took weeks of planning on my part) and destroying items of sentimental (and sometimes real) value to me. There are other smaller issues that exacerbate the thing but those are that main points of contention at the moment.

OP, I want to be with you here because I know what you mean about this type of behavior, but so far, I don't see it. You haven't provided enough information/ context here for us to jump all over your DH and agree that these were "hurtful" actions, especially intentional. Why did he bail out on the plans... was he sick? What, exactly, were the plans? And destroying items of sentimental value to you.. what in the world does that mean? Did he tear up your wedding dress? Or just mistakenly throw away something that would appear to anyone else on the planet to be an old piece of junk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really depends on what exactly he has done that was hurtful. Can you tell us more about that?

Things like bailing at the last minute on plans we committed to and that I was tasked with organizing (took weeks of planning on my part) and destroying items of sentimental (and sometimes real) value to me. There are other smaller issues that exacerbate the thing but those are that main points of contention at the moment.

Both of those things beg for additional information.

1) What were the circumstances of the "bailing?"
2) Was the destruction of sentimental items deliberate or otherwise without malice?

[Anonymous]

Whatever your DH did-- whether it was purposeful or inadvertent -- the notion that your things are not important may be a feeling that comes from you, not him. I think you need to start from that assumption and at least give him the benefit of the doubt that this isn't a theme, just two incidents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been on a roll of sorts with saying and doing things that really sting, with the underlying message being that my time, effort, and possessions are not of value in his eyes. Of course he doesn't consciously subscribe to that but there is a common theme in his actions and I'm just hurt. But he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and just wants to move on with life - to reengage in intimacy and normal romance after none of the issues have been resolved. I was willing to let the first one or two things go (we can all be jerks sometimes, right?) but then something new comes up, like picking at a scab, and it just compounds the whole thing.

Anyway, I'm really hurt, I'm beyond being able to just hug it out and move on with things as usual, but he has no remorse (I don't want an insincere apology anyway) and so we're kind of just stuck at the moment. I'm thinking maybe I need some space - maybe if I move into the guest room and just have a chance to let a few things heal before he can do the next hurtful thing - maybe I'll be able to return feeling a bit more resilient and maybe he'll feel less oppressed or whatever his issue is and be more considerate.

For what it's worth, we generally have a happy marriage. This past year was one of the happiest of my life and it was largely due to his role in my life and the family we're building together. We're just in a rut at the moment and it's really weighing on me, I don't know how to turn it around, and I don't think I can stay engaged while it continues to go down hill. I'm starting to understand how some married couples find it easier to live apart.

So you decided to withhold sex until he apologizes like he means it? This should work out well.

I'm not the op but am currently in the exact same situation with my DH emotionally it's so bad right now that I almost burst into tears in line at the market thinking about what an awful place we are in. The lack of acknowledging my concerns, regardless of thier merit, has resulted in built up bitterness and resentment as to me it implies he has no respect for my feelings. I cannot be intimate with him while having these feelings, I know it doesn't help the situation and I don't take the position of no sex until...it's just so unappealing and in someways feels like a violation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been on a roll of sorts with saying and doing things that really sting, with the underlying message being that my time, effort, and possessions are not of value in his eyes. Of course he doesn't consciously subscribe to that but there is a common theme in his actions and I'm just hurt. But he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and just wants to move on with life - to reengage in intimacy and normal romance after none of the issues have been resolved. I was willing to let the first one or two things go (we can all be jerks sometimes, right?) but then something new comes up, like picking at a scab, and it just compounds the whole thing.

Anyway, I'm really hurt, I'm beyond being able to just hug it out and move on with things as usual, but he has no remorse (I don't want an insincere apology anyway) and so we're kind of just stuck at the moment. I'm thinking maybe I need some space - maybe if I move into the guest room and just have a chance to let a few things heal before he can do the next hurtful thing - maybe I'll be able to return feeling a bit more resilient and maybe he'll feel less oppressed or whatever his issue is and be more considerate.

For what it's worth, we generally have a happy marriage. This past year was one of the happiest of my life and it was largely due to his role in my life and the family we're building together. We're just in a rut at the moment and it's really weighing on me, I don't know how to turn it around, and I don't think I can stay engaged while it continues to go down hill. I'm starting to understand how some married couples find it easier to live apart.

So you decided to withhold sex until he apologizes like he means it? This should work out well.

I'm not the op but am currently in the exact same situation with my DH emotionally it's so bad right now that I almost burst into tears in line at the market thinking about what an awful place we are in. The lack of acknowledging my concerns, regardless of thier merit, has resulted in built up bitterness and resentment as to me it implies he has no respect for my feelings. I cannot be intimate with him while having these feelings, I know it doesn't help the situation and I don't take the position of no sex until...it's just so unappealing and in someways feels like a violation.

This.