S/O male desire for sex: relationships with different sex drives

[Anonymous]

In reading the post about whether women get "angry" when their partner has a higher sex drive, I wanted to hear experiences from couples whose significant others generally have a higher or lower sex drive.

Do you love them and make it work anyway? Is it the hardest part of the relationship? Do you realize they shouldn't have been the one, but its been too long? How do you deal with all the feelings mentioned in the post - one partner feels bad the needs aren't met, the other that their SO doesn't want to have sex with them.

I ask because I am in a new relationship with someone and it seems my sex drive is higher than his (and by higher i mean I'd want sex at least once a week). It's generally not a problem but I think when he is stressed from work, or tired, that just kills his drive. I'm not like that- I use sex and physical intimacy to get rid of stress, I think, so if I had a hard day at work that wouldn't necessarily make me not want sex.

It's something we've had honest conversations about but I'm not really sure what to do. Just looking for insight from others which may help me think.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think there's a chance the OP in the thread you're referring to is misinterpreting his wife's anger. Being angry at a partner for a higher sex drive in and of itself is likely not the issue. It probably has more to do with issues within their relationship (assuming she doesn't have any medical issues).

My DH and I do not have matching sex drives - anymore. We certainly did in the beginning (although mine might have been a smidgeon higher), but we've been together for almost 20 years. A person's sex drive is not necessarily a static characteristic. It is impossible to tell in your 20s how you will feel in your 40s.

If you're in a new relationship and already facing these issues, you might want to consider trying to find someone you're more sexually compatible with. It's one thing to work through this stuff when you're married and have a family to consider, but I couldn't imagine spending too much time on it if I were just dating someone. Heck, that's supposed to be the "honeymoon" phase. If it's like it is now, what will happen when you're years in?

[Anonymous]

My DW and I have different needs.
I need sex at least every other day; I don't get it, but when we put together a week or two of every other day I feel like I'm falling in love again. Butterflies and spontaneous smiles throughout the day- and this is after being together for 17 years.

She is like your SO, when stressed her sex drive is what goes first. She is stressed a lot, during this phase of our lives she seems to want to be together once every ten days or so. Honestly I dont have a recent memory of her initiating sex.

But I came up with a system.

Give me unrestricted access to your body for 60 seconds; if I can't get you in the mood then just say so and I'll back down with no grudges or pouting.
I've got a 90% success rate and I never pout.

We have litte kids and life around here can be a motherf'er; when we first got together we would just take breaks to eat and maybe walk the dog before getting right back to banging. There were weekends where we didn't leave our bedroom.

My priorities have changed over the years; first it was all about career, then money. Now, with success and a great big pile of money the only thing I care about is getting naked with my wife- seriously it's the only thing I care about.

Find someone you're compatible with or someone hornier than you are because this is the best it's ever gonna get.

[Anonymous]

I have only told my husband no when he used to want it multiple times a day, when I was on my period, 6 weeks post birth. Other than that, why not. Lots of times I faked it but he never knew.

Again, what's a couple of minutes out of my day. Makes him happy, he makes me happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But I came up with a system.

Give me unrestricted access to your body for 60 seconds; if I can't get you in the mood then just say so and I'll back down with no grudges or pouting.
I've got a 90% success rate and I never pout.

We have litte kids and life around here can be a motherf'er; when we first got together we would just take breaks to eat and maybe walk the dog before getting right back to banging. There were weekends where we didn't leave our bedroom.

This is interesting. I totally hear you about the shift in life. We've felt it too. Your 60 second system is interesting. I wonder if my DH is secure enough to try it. That 10% no can be a killer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But I came up with a system.

Give me unrestricted access to your body for 60 seconds; if I can't get you in the mood then just say so and I'll back down with no grudges or pouting.
I've got a 90% success rate and I never pout.

We have litte kids and life around here can be a motherf'er; when we first got together we would just take breaks to eat and maybe walk the dog before getting right back to banging. There were weekends where we didn't leave our bedroom.

This is interesting. I totally hear you about the shift in life. We've felt it too. Your 60 second system is interesting. I wonder if my DH is secure enough to try it. That 10% no can be a killer.

Getting shot down isn't that bad, I swear. If I was you I'd cooperate the first few times; but then be honest with him. You're together for a reason right? He's probably going to succeed more than he fails. I can usually deliver an orgasm to my wife within 5 minutes, if I can keep her attention for the first minute I'm home free. If it's not happening for her I can tell within the first 30 seconds; sometimes I'll just call it off and ask if she wants to go eat Nutella with me. Sometimes when I let her off the hook she'll switch and go to work on me; then it's back on!
The key is to keep it light, your guy has to be cool and not let his pride get hurt, that's the tough part.
My system occasionally takes on a "prom night" vibe; it's kinda hot.

Try it! I'd love to think that the person online near me at Whole Foods is using my 60 second system.

[Anonymous]

The rejections seriously aren't that bad when there are a lot of successes and you can try again tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

My sister and her husband negotiated twice-a-week sex. He'd have it every day if he could; she's not always in the mood between the 2 kids and the full-time job and doing more around the house. Sometimes they have more than that, but I think 2x/week is pretty good.

I made the same deal with a boyfriend years ago, when I was stressed with a full-time job and a demanding MBA program. He b*tched and moaned about it, and then when we broke up he started dating a VIRGIN. Who didn't sleep with him. I don't really see that as a trade-up, so it cracked me up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In reading the post about whether women get "angry" when their partner has a higher sex drive, I wanted to hear experiences from couples whose significant others generally have a higher or lower sex drive.

Do you love them and make it work anyway? Is it the hardest part of the relationship? Do you realize they shouldn't have been the one, but its been too long? How do you deal with all the feelings mentioned in the post - one partner feels bad the needs aren't met, the other that their SO doesn't want to have sex with them.

I ask because I am in a new relationship with someone and it seems my sex drive is higher than his (and by higher i mean I'd want sex at least once a week). It's generally not a problem but I think when he is stressed from work, or tired, that just kills his drive. I'm not like that- I use sex and physical intimacy to get rid of stress, I think, so if I had a hard day at work that wouldn't necessarily make me not want sex.

It's something we've had honest conversations about but I'm not really sure what to do. Just looking for insight from others which may help me think.

Go to sex therapy to work out issues (see if there's a medical condition) or get out now!
Signed, Woman Stuck in Sexless Marriage

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the responses. I am pretty sure this is not going to work (my relationship) for a host of reasons. We've almost broken up multiple times, by me or mostly by me, and he keeps saying he wants to "try" and wants to be with me and all this grand stuff. I frankly think its too much trying for the beginning. I'm exhausted.

OTOH, we did have great sex last night. So there's that.

[Anonymous]

Oh, above was OP if that's not clear.

[Anonymous]

DW here with low sex drive. I initiate sex one to two times a week so he's happy.

[Anonymous]

Call in the next 10 minutes! We'll give you the bonus DVD titled "Clit Attack - The one minute romance!"

Operators are standing by...

[Anonymous]

OP, think twice about this relationship.

I've been married to a man whose sex drive was a bit lower when we married (he preferred about once a week, I really feel like after 3 or 4 days, it's time lol). It wasn't enough of a difference to set off alarm bells then, but now I realize it's part of a pattern and personality that's simply much lower energy than I am. And it IS a problem now.

We both work full time and I continue to work at home with the kids and house. He simply can't/won't do any where near what I do, and he's okay with that. I'm resentful that even though I do the lion's share of the housework, I can't get enoug sex (now I would really like something every other day and he's still fine with once a week).

The message at the front end, before the commitment, is can you deal with someone with less energy and imagination and interest in sex, long term? I love our kids, but it is really difficult.

[Anonymous]

RHinVA wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading the post about whether women get "angry" when their partner has a higher sex drive, I wanted to hear experiences from couples whose significant others generally have a higher or lower sex drive.

Do you love them and make it work anyway? Is it the hardest part of the relationship? Do you realize they shouldn't have been the one, but its been too long? How do you deal with all the feelings mentioned in the post - one partner feels bad the needs aren't met, the other that their SO doesn't want to have sex with them.

I ask because I am in a new relationship with someone and it seems my sex drive is higher than his (and by higher i mean I'd want sex at least once a week). It's generally not a problem but I think when he is stressed from work, or tired, that just kills his drive. I'm not like that- I use sex and physical intimacy to get rid of stress, I think, so if I had a hard day at work that wouldn't necessarily make me not want sex.

It's something we've had honest conversations about but I'm not really sure what to do. Just looking for insight from others which may help me think.

Personally I would leave the relationship now. My reasons are a little sexist. It seems "normal" to me for a woman to be low libido and need her husband to help her get in the mood. But for a woman to have to work to get a guy to feel like sleeping with her, that would just deflate me completely (and it has).

This is awful. So you've just justified that it's absolutely ok for the woman to always turn the guy down (justification: low libido for women), but if the woman gets turned down, it's a reason to get rid of the guy? you are the almost-personified shrew that every guy complains about on here. Unbelievable.