Tell me what to do

[Anonymous]

So we just found out a classmate of my preschooler's has a tumor. She's 4 and my kid's favorite classmate.

I do not know how to help this family (who I just know from the playground and birthday parties).
I also do not know how to stop crying about this.
And I don't know how to talk about it with my daughter, who already is a little overwhelmed by illness/impending death (we have a couple of grandparents with long-standing progressive illnesses, one of whom lives with us, so she's fairly comfortable with very sick people).
But mainly, and this is the part I do not know what to do with, I do not know what to do with my lapsed faith. I have nothing to give me comfort, let along my kids comfort. I was raised in a religious household and had a lot of faith growing up. I can see looking back that that faith helped me navigate some things as a child/adolescent/young adult. But somewhere in my mid-20s, with a lot of personal setbacks and some grief, my faith really dwindled. I wish I had it, but I can't seem to get it back. Now that I'm married with kids, we make a real effort to regularly attend services. My spouse likes the community aspect, as well as emparting 'rituals' to our children. I like that part too, but even as I sit in a service, my faith is at zero. And I am not sure what to tell my girls anymore about things like death, God, heaven, etc. when I don't even believe any of it anymore.

Okay, sorry, that was more a vent.

[Anonymous]

Well. Firstly, I say, talk to your rabbi/priest/dude in a robe about your lapsed faith. They are totally there for you for this kind of thing, and can probably even pray for the kid with the tumor.

Secondly, stop crying. No need to raise the stress level in what already sounds like a stressful house. Plus do you even know it's a malignant tumor? You didn't say that - maybe it's benign. Honestly, if you don't know that yet, I wouldn't tell her anything about a tumor. If you know it's malignant I'd tell her that her friend has a tumor in her head, and it's like a rock that's making her sick, and the doctors are going to try a bunch of stuff to try to make her better, and it may be a long process. And just like needles hurt but save you from bigger sicknesses, some of the things the doctors may do may not feel so great. Then promptly encourage her to do something proactive like make a pretty picture or card for her friend, or bake her some cookies or something.

Thirdly, part of what you're feeling that's bringing you down is the helplessness. You want to do something and are stuck. So figure out what you're prepared to do/give (a card, bringing over a meal, sending a coloring book, whatever) and dig in.

Fourthly, I was raised Jewish but am not religious at all as an adult - so I don't have the faith you're talking about, but it causes me zero angst. My "faith" is more in karma and putting out in the world what makes me feel good (be the good you want to see in the world) and what I want to get back, etc. You can have faith in the life and the power of the world without the religious component. I do believe in the power of prayer - many studies have been done that prove it works.

[Anonymous]

Maybe join an adult Sunday school type class rather than sitting for the larger services. I find the smaller classes are more actively reading and participating with each other and getting to know the other people and really talk has been helpful for me.

[Anonymous]

This is not about you. It is about them.

[Anonymous]

Ask your daughter's friend's family how you can help. Don't just say, "let me know what I can do!" Ask specifically which date is good to bring dinner, or come read books to both your kids - "is next Thursday or Friday better?"

Help the people here and you will feel better about the afterlife stuff. Or you won't. But help the people who need help anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not about you. It is about them.

agree. plus 1.

[Anonymous]

Prayers to an imaginary god will do no one any good.

You have to play the hand you are dealt, and sometimes it is a pretty shitty hand.

Reach out to your daughter's friends family and offer them what help you can: make clear that this is more than just words, but that you genuinely want to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prayers to an imaginary god will do no one any good.

You have to play the hand you are dealt, and sometimes it is a pretty shitty hand.

Reach out to your daughter's friends family and offer them what help you can: make clear that this is more than just words, but that you genuinely want to help.

Sometimes the shitty cards are dealt by DCUM bitches.

If nothing else, prayers bring comfort to believers (the people praying and religious people who know they are being prayed for).

Prayers don't have to be "please cure this cancer." They can be "please give me strength" or "please help me find peace."

I am not a religious person but I find your post offensive and unhelpful. There are other ways to say "it's okay to not have faith." Believing gods are imaginary is just one option that gets you through the day, no more right or wrong than believing that God (or some force) is real.

[Anonymous]

Go to church. Go to church. Go to church. Pray.

[Anonymous]

The best thing that you can do is offer you sympathy and support to the child and the child's family. There's nothing else that you can do. As far as your child goes, just be supportive. I understand all too well what it's like to have your faith tested. It's sad enough to see adults sick but it's a tragedy when it's a child.

I hope that you won't take offense to this but you need to be solid for your daughter and if you are crying and feeling as stressed as you are then how can you support her? Just an opinion.

[Anonymous]

The family needs practical help. I understand your sadness and as others have said, perhaps you can take that up with your clergy. "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" is a good book. You can start a dinner club for them with friends and neighbors bringing dinner every night. You can babysit for the other children. You can clean house. You can do their laundry. You can pay their parking fees at the hospital, which are tremendous. Don't wring your hands. Accomplish real tasks.

[Anonymous]

In addition to reaching out to the family to see what they need, it may also help your daughter to do some kind of memory book project about her friend. Like a little collection of photos, blurbs about fun times they had together, mementos or drawings the friend might have given her, etc.

So sorry they and those who care about them are going through this - hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not about you. It is about them.

Plus 2. Perfectly reasonable to look for help in managing your own emotions, but your primary concern seems to be yourself, rather than the family whose child is sick. Perhaps you should focus on how you might be a good support for your child's friend and her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not about you. It is about them.

agree. plus 1.

She's trying to get herself together so she can support the family, sheesh.

OP, I would approach the classroom teacher and preschool director. I bet there will be some kind of organized response, and you might volunteer to take the lead. Meals, a fundraiser, even a collection of gift cards for gas and restaurants near their home or hospital.

Best to you all.

[Anonymous]

Now I'm tearing up, because I can relate to the lapsed faith, and my little brother was the kid with a tumor 30 years ago.

It's fine to cry at home, or with friends outside the situation (aka a friend who doesn't know the family). It's terrifying when we realize how fragile life is and it's ok to need support as long as you don't take any support that would otherwise go to this family.

Great idea to offer to bring meals. Fundraisers may be helpful as well, pediatric specialists are amazing but also incredibly expensive. To the extent you can keep in touch longer term, do so. Alot of people are there at diagnosis and then disappear.

Tell your daughter that her friend is sick but that her mom and dad are working with doctors who are going to do their very best to help her get better. Because that's the truth at a level she can understand. If she asks why, it's ok to say "I don't know". Even at the height of my faith there was no one who could explain WHY my brother got sick. And help your daughter stay in touch. She can draw pictures to send the little girl while she is in the hospital or too sick for visitors. And when/if the parents say it's ok, have her visit her friend. Maybe with some other kids, too. There was one little boy from my brother's 2nd grade class who stayed in touch, and he would bring other friends to our house and invite my brother to things (some that he wasn't up for). It meant the world to him then, and still means the world to me now. If your daughter can be that person, that's an amazing character lesson.

Sorry this is so long.