How you and your spouse have helped each other grow

[Anonymous]

So, how have you grown spiritually, as parents, as a person, how have you helped each other?
What conflicts between you two have you overcome, and how?

12 years together, kids 4 and 7, we bicker a lot, lots of tension, can't see how this partnership is good for either of us. We are doing couples therapy and working on it for a year, and I still feel we are not going anywhere. We are committed to staying together and make it work, and it is no fun. Would like to hear from others, good and not so good marriages.

[Anonymous]

We are so good for each other. We've been together for 16 years.

When we first met I was heavy recreational drug user. He was never overbearing, but always encouraged me to not use drugs, eventually I stopped. We have supported us to be the best each and every step of our lives. We have (and continue to) support each others educational goals, fitness goals, and healthy eating goals. We pump each other up when we are down. We are each others biggest fan. We are in lock step with the kids and are equal partners in raising them.

I truly feel blessed to be in a marriage where it only gets better and more supportive with time. I think the reason why we work so well together is because we both highly empathic people, so I think we always are able to see each others point of view. Believe it or not, we are also very different, but we respect these differences. Me extrovert, him introvert. Me messy, him clean. Me dramatic, him even. However we come together on the big life issues.

Where are your big issues? I do not think my DH and I do anything special, I just think we were luckily matched very well. It is almost impossible to know how you will be with someone 10 years down the line. We are not the same people who met 16 years ago drunk at a bar.

[Anonymous]

DH here. 20+plus years in. DW was always nurturing/maternal, one of the reasons I married her. If it makes any sense, have come to find her selfish, lacking empathy and very stoic.
Sounds contradictory I know but its not. She will be motherly and wifely but the bigger things in life have to be on her terms and is very passive aggressive in securing them. She will make you dinner why basically telling you to go pound sand on life's bigger discussions.
I guess my point is it takes a lifetime to know someone and I am finding out that there are things I really don't like.
Also three kids, suburban life style doesn't seem to afford any luxury for spirituality. Sometimes wonder why I gave up my life worrying about everyone else. I know that sounds selfish but it stems from my believe that the married couple should be the basis of the family unit; not so in my house it has always been others first - MIL and then the kids.
They say once you are empty nesters it gets better. I just wonder what will be left of our relationship by then.

[Anonymous]

My husband is much more adventurous and outgoing than I am, and has a great gift for lifelong friendships. He's introduced me to lots of amazing cultural things and some truly wonderful people. I really admire that about him, and some of it has rubbed off onto me. I think that I've really provided him with someone to listen to him, as well as a place where he can recharge. Before, he travelled and moved a lot, and his apartment didn't really feel like a home--I think I've been able to help him create one. So we're very different, but I think the differences are complementary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, how have you grown spiritually, as parents, as a person, how have you helped each other?
What conflicts between you two have you overcome, and how?

12 years together, kids 4 and 7, we bicker a lot, lots of tension, can't see how this partnership is good for either of us. We are doing couples therapy and working on it for a year, and I still feel we are not going anywhere. We are committed to staying together and make it work, and it is no fun. Would like to hear from others, good and not so good marriages.

Great question, OP.

Two kids, 11 and 9, married 15 years; good marriage. We have had tough times. For years, DH was at a law firm that was more like a cult, and worked such long hours…on our 11 year anniversary, I happily said, "We've been married 11 years…want to go for 11 more?" with a grin, and he said, "I don't know if I can" and I almost had a heart attack! I was thinking, WTF is there another woman?

Then he says, "This firm, this job, it's such long hours and it's wringing me dry; I have no time for you and the kids, and I just don't know if the marriage can survive another 11 years; I don't know if you can put up with it another 11 years…"

Needless to say the de-programming started immediately with "The assumption here, honey, should be that the marriage will survive another 11 years but this job might not…"

That caused a big mind shift and culminated in DH going to another firm, and investing in me, our kids, and his fitness as well as his career.

We also did have a bout with Dh's post-"cult" situational depression which, I have to admit, if it had gone on another two years, I would have been thinking about an exit strategy. It was really rough. But it was situational, not chronic, so we got through it without medication.

Another thing we did is that DH is here in DC temporarily but we all moved here. I think it's important to set your marriage up for success and living long distance would not be good.

Most importantly, I think both of us are grateful. I believe that being grateful is the key to happiness. To be grateful, one has to compare to others or one's own past to see how good we have it and how bad it could be. I think about this every day; it's a real reference point for me. For instance, when I want to quit while running--I hate to run--I think how anyone in N. Korea's slave camps would love to trade places with me. Also I was just thinking this when hearing a song on the radio--lyrics "we could have had it all…" and I think, how many of us DID actually have it all but then, didn't maintain it, risked what they had for more? I think maintenance after any acquisition is really important for everything in life. Relationships don't stay good when under prolonged neglect.

For us, it was easy to "get it" that we both had something good because we both had horrible relationships before, and the contrast was good for us.

And another contrast with my own life--my childhood, and having my parents divorce…not going to "give that gift" to my kids if I can help it, so not going to neglect my DH. But you know, OP, had I picked a bad DH, I wouldn't be putting my kids through that either--I'd leave. "Bad" here meaning--affairs/alcoholic/drugs/abuse. Other stuff, I can handle.

Also I have decided that many men are not symbolic thinkers. So, for example, him not remembering your birthday is NOT symbolic of him not loving you; telling you he'll be home at 5 and getting home at 7 and forgetting to call you is NOT symbolic of him disrespecting your time. Your girlfriend or your gay guy friend--maybe, but heterosexual men just do stuff and say stuff that is sort of dopey and the worst thing a DW can do is keep deciding there is a hidden meaning or that the behavior is symbolic of some larger issue. So for example, he is very extroverted, and if we go to a gathering he's glad-handing people and I can feel abandoned and really get mad---but I don't let my head go there. Instead I'll talk to him about my personality and that it just helps me if he stays with me or takes me with him--I stick to the concrete to-dos, don't go into the symbolic realm.

Good luck OP. Keep working at it. Be proactive; don't be reactive! Set the tone; your spouse wants it to work too.

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for posting this question. I don't have a response to this, because I've spent the last 18 hours since I read this trying to answer the question for myself, and I can't think of anything in trying to think of how I'm a better person for having been in this (8 year) marriage. I'd love to hear others' experiences.

[Anonymous]

I think generally my relationship has been great. Having a partner feels like having a safe place. He helps de-stress, adds joy and laughter, and handles things I don't have the energy or time for. I learned to appreciate the things he does, rather than the things he didn't do.

Though in a way, I also feel held back. I don't make purchases or plans without consulting him. He's vetoed a lot of the things I wanted to do. I've had to make sacrifices and compromises that I completely didn't agree with. In those times, I say to myself, "I'm doing this for him. He's worth it."

[Anonymous]

I don't know that I'm necessarily a better person for having been with my husband, but I do know that in some relationships, I was a worse person. Many years ago, I was engaged to a great guy, but there was something about him that just brought out the worst in me. I was bossy, I put him down, I fought with him simply because I was bored. Luckily, I ended that relationship before we actually got married. I don't behave like this at all with my husband of 15 years, and
I never have. I would say I am the same as I always was -growing up and as a teenager, and as a young adult, and now today. The scary part is that I know that with the wrong person, I could be so much worse. I am a little lazy at home, but I tend to be a perfectionist at work. I am fun and happy most of the time. I eat fairly well and exercise frequently. I don't let life stress me too much. All this fits in with the life I have with my husband. He didn't make me this way. He just helps me stay the way I am, and since I am happy with myself, it works for me.

[Anonymous]

He helps me gain perspective to let go of the smaller things, he helps me be more patient, he helps me expect less of life and others so I'm less disappointed. He gets more exposure to cultural events and started enjoying wine. He started reading some books. Can't think of more now.

[Anonymous]

Dh and I have been married for 14 years and together for almost 22. We have two kids.

I think that we both have similar values and expectations in life and of each other. We've always agreed about the big things. He is very steady, structured, intelligent, funny - I respect and admire him for what he has accomplished both with his education and at work. He's an amazing, decent, solid person. And a wonderful father and role model to our children.

I've been sort of his soft place all along the way. His grounding and his support. His friend.