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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So, how have you grown spiritually, as parents, as a person, how have you helped each other?
What conflicts between you two have you overcome, and how?

12 years together, kids 4 and 7, we bicker a lot, lots of tension, can't see how this partnership is good for either of us. We are doing couples therapy and working on it for a year, and I still feel we are not going anywhere. We are committed to staying together and make it work, and it is no fun. Would like to hear from others, good and not so good marriages. [/quote]

Great question, OP.

Two kids, 11 and 9, married 15 years; good marriage.  We have had tough times.  For years, DH was at a law firm that was more like a cult, and worked such long hours…on our 11 year anniversary, I happily said, "We've been married 11 years…want to go for 11 more?"  with a grin, and he said, "I don't know if I can" and I almost had a heart attack!  I was thinking, WTF is there another woman?

Then he says, "This firm, this job, it's such long hours and it's wringing me dry; I have no time for you and the kids, and I just don't know if the marriage can survive another 11 years; I don't know if you can put up with it another 11 years…"

Needless to say the de-programming started immediately with "The assumption here, honey, should be that the marriage will survive another 11 years but this job might not…"

That caused a big mind shift and culminated in DH going to another firm, and investing in me, our kids, and his fitness as well as his career.

We also did have a bout with Dh's post-"cult" situational depression which, I have to admit, if it had gone on another two years, I would have been thinking about an exit strategy.  It was really rough.  But it was situational, not chronic, so we got through it without medication.

Another thing we did is that DH is here in DC temporarily but we all moved here.  I think it's important to set your marriage up for success and living long distance would not be good.

Most importantly, I think both of us are grateful.  I believe that being grateful is the key to happiness.  To be grateful, one has to compare to others or one's own past to see how good we have it and how bad it could be.  I think about this every day; it's a real reference point for me.  For instance, when I want to quit while running--I hate to run--I think how anyone in N. Korea's slave camps would love to trade places with me.   Also I was just thinking this when hearing a song on the radio--lyrics "we could have had it all…" and I think, how many of us DID actually have it all but then, didn't maintain it, risked what they had for more?  I think maintenance after any acquisition is really important for everything in life.  Relationships don't stay good when under prolonged neglect.

For us, it was easy to "get it" that we both had something good because we both had horrible relationships before, and the contrast was good for us.

And another contrast with my own life--my childhood, and having my parents divorce…not going to "give that gift" to my kids if I can help it, so not going to neglect my DH.  But you know, OP, had I picked a bad DH, I wouldn't be putting my kids through that either--I'd leave.  "Bad" here meaning--affairs/alcoholic/drugs/abuse.  Other stuff, I can handle.

Also I have decided that many men are not symbolic thinkers.  So, for example, him not remembering your birthday is NOT symbolic of him not loving you; telling you he'll be home at 5 and getting home at 7 and forgetting to call you is NOT symbolic of him disrespecting your time.  Your girlfriend or your gay guy friend--maybe, but heterosexual men just do stuff and say stuff that is sort of dopey and the worst thing a DW can do is keep deciding there is a hidden meaning or that the behavior is symbolic of some larger issue.  So for example, he is very extroverted, and if we go to a gathering he's glad-handing people and I can feel abandoned and really get mad---but I don't let my head go there.  Instead I'll talk to him about my personality and that it just helps me if he stays with me or takes me with him--I stick to the concrete to-dos, don't go into the symbolic realm.

Good luck OP.  Keep working at it.  Be proactive; don't be reactive!  Set the tone; your spouse wants it to work too.[/quote]

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