vent again

[Anonymous]

I am very angry .... Not sure how this posting will come out.
My mom and dad live in France, we moved to this area with the kids about 2 years ago. We (I) have been making quite an effort to see the grandparents, going there twice a year (Christmas and summer) and paying for my parents to come to see us at least once a year. My mom has some aches and pains but they are both generally healthy and can travel. But my mom always complains, FWIW, I posted this when she made me quite angry some months ago http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/333211.page#4100816 . So after last Christmas, I asked if they would like to come in spring. My dad said yes, he is always excited about it. My mom said it is tough for her. I suggested my dad comes by himself. They seemed ok with it but they said they needed to discuss it further.
To give some more context, I am quite happy if my mom does not come, she is always physically uncomfortable about something, spends all the time on her iPad (v disappointing towards the kids), and I don't like her. She never really took care of me. Now that I have kids, I realise how much a parent can love their children, how I enjoy them, I like being involved with their lives, knowing their friends as much as they let me etc. She never did that for me. I am having a hard time now realising how hands off she was and how little she cared. So I have a lot of resentment and issues and I am having therapy for this.
When they come here, my dad likes to do tourist things, go to my kids schools, just get involved. She has no interest. She has an ipad girlfriend whom she is texting all the time. So makes sense she stays home, does not complain, my dad comes by himself, and we have fun.
Ok, so now there are relatively cheap tickets for spring, it is time to book. But my mom has a shoulder rotator cuff problem, and my dad does not want to leave her because 'she cant even get a dish from the cupboard'. What???? So now she is holding him back too? I am annoyed with her but I think mostly I am annoyed with my dad. He not only enabled her neglect towards me when I was a kid, now he lets her keep him from seeing me and grandkids.

So I am about to send an email to my dad saying how frustrating this is for me, and how angry I am, that she is able to manipulate this situation. Would this be useful for anything? My dad would say he does not feel he can leave her for some days and try to make me feel that I don't understand etc.

Funny enough, I too had the same shoulder problem last time they visited, to the point that I could not sleep and could not lift my arm at all because of the pain. I went to the dr and started physiotherapy when they were still here. They went home, did they ever ask me how I was doing? No, they forgot.

I am also very annoyed because we spend loads of money to go and see them (4 plane tickets always at high season, vs when they come it is only 2 tickets (or 1) and half the price).

Anyway, not sure what the question is ...

[Anonymous]

Don't make your father choose between you and your mother. That's really not fair. If she truly does have a rotator cuff issue (which you admit is painful and limiting), then he's right not to leave her. It sounds like your father is a loving grandparent and father, but he's also a husband. I'd talk to him and tell him that you're very disappointed that he can't come, and perhaps ask if your mother is doing any therapy that might resolve the problem. What will starting a fight with him accomplish?

[Anonymous]

Well if she's having shoulder surgery, she does in fact need someone to help her with things. I had my rotator cuff repaired and between the drugs and the fact that my dominant arm was strapped down in a sling, I needed help with pretty much everything.

[Anonymous]

OP here
She is not having surgery! She is seeing doctors etc. I told her that the best thing to do for now is to have a cortisone shot and then therapy to strengthen the muscles. Anyway, just sit around and complain, that is what she does best.
And manipulating. But nothing new there, i am most angry with my dad as enabler.

Sorry there is so much more background to this story, a posting like this can't give you a good picture, I think I made a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Why are you bothering with them if you already know the answer to all your questions ? Unless they ask to visit, quit inviting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here
She is not having surgery! She is seeing doctors etc. I told her that the best thing to do for now is to have a cortisone shot and then therapy to strengthen the muscles. Anyway, just sit around and complain, that is what she does best.
And manipulating. But nothing new there, i am most angry with my dad as enabler.

Sorry there is so much more background to this story, a posting like this can't give you a good picture, I think I made a mistake.

You're angry that your dad is helping someone who is injured? Sorry but I"m wondering if you in fact are the crazy/overreacting one and your mom isn't as bad as you think.

[Anonymous]

I read your old thread.

They are old. It is normal for old people to be achy and in pain. And if they are, a transatlantic flight is hell for them. You really need to have more sympathy for her issues.

Your father's first obligation is to his wife. That is normal. You're the one who moved so far away.

[Anonymous]

Time to accept that they are not and never will be the type of parents you want. Grieve that and accept the way they are. Don't go to visit them so often. Don't expect them to visit you. Find other, better mother/father figures in your life to fill that role.

[Anonymous]

Agree - don't make him choose. Reverse it - buy the discounted ticket for yourself to go see them. Don't want to leave your family behind? That's what you are asking him to do!

Simply write him telling him how much you and the kids enjoy his visits. Remind him he's welcome to come anytime he wants.

And don't play the martyr. Go to visit when and because you want to visit, not to check a box to say you did x number of visits a year. I assume there are many other reasons for you to go to France besides your mother (other family, connect kids with their roots, etc.) Remember those when you plan visits. If it is too much effort/cost, don't do it. You seem to have a sense of obligation when now your first obligation is to your immediate little family here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to accept that they are not and never will be the type of parents you want. Grieve that and accept the way they are. Don't go to visit them so often. Don't expect them to visit you. Find other, better mother/father figures in your life to fill that role.

+ 1000

[Anonymous]

I've had shoulder problems in that area, and yes, I did need someone to help me, and I'm not 65+ years old like your mom probably is. So, I don't think they are making it up. Shoulder pain can affect your whole arm, so that you can't move it, make it uncomfortable to sleep, hard to take a shower, not be able to cook for yourself, not be able to drive a car, etc. Sorry, but I'm on your mom's side on this.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP. Yes,mthe shoulder thing is awful. I had it when they were visiting and was really hard to keep shopping and cooking and doing things for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to accept that they are not and never will be the type of parents you want. Grieve that and accept the way they are. Don't go to visit them so often. Don't expect them to visit you. Find other, better mother/father figures in your life to fill that role.

Yes I don't know why it is so hard for me to move on. I think that partly it is because my kids love them so much.

[Anonymous]

How is your dad enabling her? You're angry at him because he won't leave his wife alone while she's injured? Do you think she hurt herself on purpose so that he wouldn't be able to leave? How is she manipulating him? He didn't look the other way while she was abusing you or anything--it sounds like he is an involved and loving father.

And if you're annoyed because the flights are expensive, stop buying the tickets. Or go at cheaper times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't make your father choose between you and your mother. That's really not fair. If she truly does have a rotator cuff issue (which you admit is painful and limiting), then he's right not to leave her. It sounds like your father is a loving grandparent and father, but he's also a husband. I'd talk to him and tell him that you're very disappointed that he can't come, and perhaps ask if your mother is doing any therapy that might resolve the problem. What will starting a fight with him accomplish?

This, OP, this! A very good response.

OP, you seem to veer in your post from praising your dad for being involved with your kids as much as possible when he comes, to blasting him for staying home with your mom when she is injured. Can you see that those behaviors both come from the same place within him? He's being involved with her right now, just as he is involved with you and your kids when he sees you. But when he gives his attention to her and not to you/your kids, you resent it. Let this go. Your childhood issues are totally in your way here; you also veer into "he enabled mom to be awful" territory (after saying he was a good granddad...). You can't seem to get out of mom's shadow, and dad is great by you, until he puts mom first.

Sure, mom may be a witch, or at least neglectful. But as the PP above says, why start a fight with dad -- whom you say is pretty much OK here and now even if you have old resentments against him?

Make this an issue if you want to alienate your dad, who seems OK overall and who makes a real effort with your kids. Do you really want to alienate him by saying in essence that he should choose between your family and his wife? Do just that -- if you want to ensure your kids don't see him.