How Did Divorce Affect Your Elementary Aged DC?

[Anonymous]

And what did you do to help them/you?

[Anonymous]

We were very clear on which things would change and which would stay the same, so they'd know what to expect. DS was concerned about adults asking for gossip (what do I say when they ask why?) and DD was confused about if people would be able to tell and what they would think.

DH and I did go into the school together and told the principal, plus each of the kids' teachers. It kind of set the stage for things going forward in terms of knowing it was not a bitter fight, that we were both on the same team, they could call each of us, let the kids go with either of us, etc.

[Anonymous]

My kids were 10 (4th grade) when my exH and I separated. The most important thing was for them was to make sure that their routine stayed the same as much as possible. They craved, understandably, predictability and consistency. I accomodated (and still accomodate) their father in ways that I really didn't want to and shouldn't have had to to keep the train on the tracks (ie, he'd decide he didn't want to take them to soccer practice but was OK with them going if they could find a way to get there; I'd run across town, pick them up & drop them back off at his house). I caught and still catch a lot of flack for this from friends who think the kids should see him "fail" and maybe they're right, but I always err on the side of they-didn't-ask-for-this-and-shouldn't-suffer-for-it-if-I-can-help-it. Sometimes it can't be helped and that feels like shit. Last weekend, they both had black belt tests, long scheduled and something they've worked hard on, and their father decided to take them out of town. Out of my hands.

I also took them to a child psychologist early on bc that seemed like the right thing to do. They absolutely hated it and felt like they were being punished for something that was completely out of their control. I let them stop going after 2 months or so.

[Anonymous]

Coordinate homework between two households was challenging during these years. Work together!

[Anonymous]

I am not divorced but have friends who are and have watched how incredibly hard it is on the kids.

It takes a lot longer than you as the adult realize for the kids to get used to the routine. So many times friends have said their kids were used to things after a couple months but from the outside I could see and hear from the kids that no, they were used to it, they simply had no choice. Give the kids at least a year to really settle into the routine of however it is custody is split.

It is really tough those first few months when there are games, school events, playdates, etc when the kids have to get used to not having both parents present and the whole dynamic of how those things were handled change. Being patient when kids mention how sad they are about their other parent missing out and try not to make snide or flip comments for the benefit of the adults who might be around to make yourself feel better.

Adults should give themselves a year to work through their own stuff and help their kids adjust before taking their attention and focus to dating and finding someone new. That whole things sucks away so much emotional resources that the kids end up with no one to support them as they transition into being in a divorced family.

[Anonymous]

My older child (then five) has a much harder time with it even now than her younger sibling (then 1).

It has been five years, older child still cries about it.