Entitled step-mom annoys the hell out of me.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is very insecure. Does she want to be married? That would explain standing on ceremony for the door.

[Anonymous]

You could show her your explicit postings. Bet that will get rid of her quick.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just buy steak at her grocery store? I would just ignore everything else. Open her door.

[Anonymous]

Tell your dad that you plan to stand up for yourself and to stop giving in to her passive aggressive manipulation. If you are traveling somewhere and she wants you to open the door for her, then get in the driver's seat, start the car, roll down the window and ask her to step into the car because you're waiting for her to get in. If she tries to make you open the door, let her know that it is her decision, but you plan to drive in 30 seconds with or without her. If she makes backhanded comments to your children such as "Tell Mommy that she is feeding you wrong." Just look at her and tell her that she should stop confusing your son with her quaint (or strange) ideas. I will sometimes look at a person and say "I'm sorry, but that's not how we're raising our son. Please don't confuse him. Tommy just remember how we do things at home." For the glasses that she brought to your house, leave them on the counter when they come to visit and when she asks about them, tell her that there wasn't room for them in the freezer and she should feel free to use your chilled glasses and that she's welcome to take hers home with her. Don't shop for the steaks and if she asks about them, tell her that you just didn't have time to shop since you have a young child, but if she didn't have time to prepare anything, you all can go out for dinner.

Start treating her like a 3 year old who is testing your limits. Put firm boundaries in place and follow through. Give her only choices that you want and do not offer her other options. She only has as much control (especially in your house and with your child) as you let her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your dad that you plan to stand up for yourself and to stop giving in to her passive aggressive manipulation. If you are traveling somewhere and she wants you to open the door for her, then get in the driver's seat, start the car, roll down the window and ask her to step into the car because you're waiting for her to get in. If she tries to make you open the door, let her know that it is her decision, but you plan to drive in 30 seconds with or without her. If she makes backhanded comments to your children such as "Tell Mommy that she is feeding you wrong." Just look at her and tell her that she should stop confusing your son with her quaint (or strange) ideas. I will sometimes look at a person and say "I'm sorry, but that's not how we're raising our son. Please don't confuse him. Tommy just remember how we do things at home." For the glasses that she brought to your house, leave them on the counter when they come to visit and when she asks about them, tell her that there wasn't room for them in the freezer and she should feel free to use your chilled glasses and that she's welcome to take hers home with her. Don't shop for the steaks and if she asks about them, tell her that you just didn't have time to shop since you have a young child, but if she didn't have time to prepare anything, you all can go out for dinner.

Start treating her like a 3 year old who is testing your limits. Put firm boundaries in place and follow through. Give her only choices that you want and do not offer her other options. She only has as much control (especially in your house and with your child) as you let her.

+1 lock the thread! No need for anyone else to post because this here is the answer. Print this out, post it on your mirror and carry it in your purse. Excellent PP!

[Anonymous]

Let's take this one at a time:

-- The beer glass. I don't see this as her telling you your glasses aren't good enough. She wants to drink her beer out of a specific glass. So what? Big deal.

-- Ditto the car door thing. Okay, she's a princess. That doesn't affect you.

-- On the other hand, with her commenting on your parenting, you have every right to be annoyed. I would respond every time she does it. "Linda, we have this." Don't say anything else.

-- The steak thing, it sounds like she knows you don't like the way your dad fixes steak, so she's offering to let you bring your own and cook it the way you like for yourselves...not for her. If you don't want to take her up on the offer, don't.

You don't like the woman. We get it. But pick your battles.

[Anonymous]

Beer glasses: "Sorry, we don't have room in the freezer any more for these, but rest assured you'll get beer in a chilled glass when you visit." Say it as you hand back her glasses. This is also a tactic for other controllng little things she does: "We don't have room, but thanks for thinking of us." "We can't do that but thanks for thinking of us."

Door: That's between her and your dad, period, even if it does annoy you. Do not die on that molehill. If she is also standing there eyeing you, your husband, etc. expecting the door to be opened by EVERYONE, just point out when your hands are full: "Could you get the door, please, I don't have a free hand." If hands are not full: Go through first and hold it open behind you. Kind of a passive-aggressive thing to do but appropriate as you're both women.

Kids: Limit exposure. You mentioned staying in a hotel. Do it. Still see them but tell your dad (outside her hearing): "As the kid(s) get older we want to have some more space and not crowd you and Sally." Leave it at that. When she makes those "hourly" comments: "Sally, I will take it from here." Then remove self and kid from her presence; say it's time to go outside to play, or let's go get your craft things and you can make something in the next room. Ignore as much as you can from her, tell firmly "I'll take it from here" and remove your kids from her immediate presence. If you can't remove your kids, repeat step two in a nice, bland but firm voice: "Seriously Sally, Child is fine, we're done here." Instant change of topic every single time.

The rest: Can you arrange to see just your dad at least some of the time? Invite him on special father-daughter things with JUST you and not even the kids involved, meet for a day somewhere between your home and his? First, that would be great for him and for you as his child. Second, it gives him time to see you when you are not tensed up and just waiting for the next dig from his girlfriend. Also, find things that are "grandpa and me" events for him and your kid(s). This may get easier as they get older, too, and have more activities.

[Anonymous]

Gambit wrote:So my dad has been with his GF for about a decade now, so I’ll refer to her as stepmom or SM. She is annoying the hell out of me. I have plenty of glassware in my home. Yet on their last visit, they bring down two pint glasses for us to keep in the freezer for when they are visiting and drinking beer. I already have plenty of beer mugs and pint glasses that I keep in the freezer. I find it a bit annoying that she’s saying my glasses are not good enough. Gotta bring her own.
I’ve always felt she was a bit entitled, but this was just another annoyance thrown on top. When taking a drive somewhere, she has to have her door opened for her. I get a gentleman is supposed to open the door for a lady, I’m very big on that. But she’ll stand/sit there waiting for you to open her door, even when it’s inconvenient. Like if my father has to get a bunch of bags out of the car or carrying them to the car. She’ll just wait there for him to open the door like he’s a chauffeur. I wouldn’t care as much except she’s done that a few times when it was just she and I going somewhere.

When they are visiting us or we visiting them, she’s always making comments about our parenting; telling we’re doing things wrong. I don’t mean like the way some parents make suggestions on how to do things. I mean she’ll translate my son’s utterances to, “That’s right Tommy, tell Daddy you’re feeding me wrong.” At which point, I just want to punch her in the throat. She makes comments like this on an hourly basis.

We’re planning on going up next week to visit for a four-day weekend. She called us up a couple days back to say that we should go to the supermarket to get a few good cuts of steak. This way we can season it up the way we like and bring it up to cook. DW cooks steak in a great, but different way. SM loves it and was basically saying we should buy some meat, season it, pack it for travel, bring it to her house, and cook it for her…… WTF? I’m considering canceling the trip. Or staying at a hotel, and only visiting the in-laws, not her and my dad. But that would not be fair to my dad.

I think tomorrow I’m going to call my dad, and tell him that he needs to talk to her. I don’t want this to get to the point where I can’t stand her anymore and it ruins my relationship with my dad.

Observation: These are all really annoying and passive aggressive things she is doing - but I have to say, if it were your mom (and not your step-mom, or more accurately, your dad's long term gf) they would not be as annoying. They would still be annoying, but you'd be more inclined to just accept it because "that is how she is".

[Anonymous]

It seems we have the same SM!! I've had to put up with mine for over 20 years now. I went through stages of not speaking to her and refusing to be around her, to putting up with it and turning a blind eye, all the while wondering how my Dad can put up with it, and feeling sad that he didn't find a better woman. Now I just feel sorry for her. They seem to be aging really quickly now. There's no point trying to change her - I just ignore what she says, mostly. And treat her like a crazy old lady. I'm not mean to her. But nothing she says (e.g. about how we raise our children) gets through to me. She can't upset me anymore. The other thing I feel now after all this time is that my Dad chose to stay with this woman - I just have to respect that and not point out what bad taste he has!!! He's getting old - this is it for him.

I guess I'm saying it's all about adjusting your expectations and not letting it get to you. Try to laugh it off.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Just get out of the car and start walking away. Oh, I just thought you were getting ready or something; I thought I would go ahead and you would catch up.

[Anonymous]

Gambit wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Start treating her like a 3 year old who is testing your limits. Put firm boundaries in place and follow through. Give her only choices that you want and do not offer her other options. She only has as much control (especially in your house and with your child) as you let her.

+1 lock the thread! No need for anyone else to post because this here is the answer. Print this out, post it on your mirror and carry it in your purse. Excellent PP!

To clarify. I’m not a woman, I don’t have a purse. Not sure DW would take to kindly to me wearing women’s apparel. :-p

You are right. I need to start setting some boundaries.
To answer other responses. There’s more I just pointed out the things that were getting to me lately.

The thing with the car door, I didn’t care when it was my dad opening her door. I would even open it on occasion when his hands are full and she just sitting there useless.
It only bothered me when she and I went somewhere, and she expecting the same princess treatment from me.

The reason why all of this has come to a head is because I finally realized that she’s getting increasingly pushy about her entitlement.
Before DW and I moved to NY, my dad gave us a waffle iron as a present. It wasn’t until recently that she actually said, I made sure he got you guys the waffle iron that I wanted you to have, for the type of waffles I like.

A few months back, when they came down for a visit, they left behind two bath robes in the guest room closet.
Then it’s the Beer glasses she wants me to store in my freezer for her. Never mind the fact that my pint glasses are the exact same size and shape.
And then then the steak thing was just over the top.

To answer someone else’s response about how since we didn’t like the way she cooked steak, she offered for us to season it the way we like it.
No that was not the case. They never cook dinner for us. We always order out when we go there. She loves the way DW makes steak. She pan sears the steak with a special sauce she makes and it’s awesome. So SM loves the way DW makes the steak. DW gave her the recipe, but we never asked them to make steak for us when we visit. She called and asked us to buy, pre-marinade, and freeze the steaks to bring up with us to cook for them when we got to her house! Again I say WTF?!?

Oh and no, she does not have kids of her own. So maybe she is secretly jealous about not being married and never having had kids. I don’t even care about that. I always knew she was a but pushy and entitled, but It never effected me, so I ignored it. I only care now because she’s saying and doing things that directly effect me. And with each incident, she’s escalating. I feel it’s time to put a stop to things before they escalate out of hand. That’s always my logical advice to people.
Don’t let little annoyances add up to the point where you’re unreasonably blowing up at someone over something minor. Take them aside and let them know so that maybe the little annoyances can cease. and not become major problems.

It does sound like she is pushy and will probably get worse since it seems that she is taking on more of a mother role versus a step-mom role. Setting boundaries makes sense, otherwise it will probably make things really awkward for your dad especially if he is the type to defend her.

[Anonymous]

She sounds a little high maintenance, OP, but you sound petty as well. Seriously, you have an issue with beer glasses and opening doors? Really?

The only real issue you have is how she relates to your child about parenting. This is pretty easily handled by telling her to stop and/or reminding your child that you do things differently than SGM.

As for the steak, bring it or say no. No problem.

[Anonymous]

Make a joke out of it. When they arrive, run out of your house and scramble to open the door for her. Freeze dozens of glasses and ask her to choose from her liking. Pester her constantly for advice on how to feed your kids, ask her to demonstrate on you.

It'll probably make her mad but it would be hilarious. And release some of your anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's take this one at a time:

-- The beer glass. I don't see this as her telling you your glasses aren't good enough. She wants to drink her beer out of a specific glass. So what? Big deal.

-- Ditto the car door thing. Okay, she's a princess. That doesn't affect you.

-- On the other hand, with her commenting on your parenting, you have every right to be annoyed. I would respond every time she does it. "Linda, we have this." Don't say anything else.

-- The steak thing, it sounds like she knows you don't like the way your dad fixes steak, so she's offering to let you bring your own and cook it the way you like for yourselves...not for her. If you don't want to take her up on the offer, don't.

You don't like the woman. We get it. But pick your battles.

Agree on all points. FYI-my husband always gets my door--some guys are classy like that. FYIW when I was dating I noticed if I guy got the door or picked up the check. I married a guy who did both and I am still married. My friends who didn't get about such things..are pretty much all divorced because guys who don't do that sort of stuff are lazy about other stuff and it gets old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's take this one at a time:

-- The beer glass. I don't see this as her telling you your glasses aren't good enough. She wants to drink her beer out of a specific glass. So what? Big deal.

-- Ditto the car door thing. Okay, she's a princess. That doesn't affect you.

-- On the other hand, with her commenting on your parenting, you have every right to be annoyed. I would respond every time she does it. "Linda, we have this." Don't say anything else.

-- The steak thing, it sounds like she knows you don't like the way your dad fixes steak, so she's offering to let you bring your own and cook it the way you like for yourselves...not for her. If you don't want to take her up on the offer, don't.

You don't like the woman. We get it. But pick your battles.

Agree on all points. FYI-my husband always gets my door--some guys are classy like that. FYIW when I was dating I noticed if I guy got the door or picked up the check. I married a guy who did both and I am still married. My friends who didn't get about such things..are pretty much all divorced because guys who don't do that sort of stuff are lazy about other stuff and it gets old.

Wow my husband didn't do all of these things and is a great husband. Your husband may be a great husband but am not sure you are a great wife. It must be exhausting.