Is one of your children far more attractive than another?

[Anonymous]

And if so ... what, if anything, can you do to buffer differential treatment?

It's so easy as a parent to see all the wonderful special qualities in our children but the majority of the rest of the world seems to judge pretty quickly on looks. My children are only babies yet I'm afraid I'm seeing this happen already. More cooing at and fawning over the more precious looking baby. Once people spend some time with them they realize the less precious looking baby is actually hysterically funny and really filled with personality and zest that his mellower sibling (though extremely sweet and with plenty of personality) doesn't quite display. But I can't help but worry about those initial interactions and how they will translate as the kids get older.

[Anonymous]

OP here ... I should add ... the "far more attractive" was a bit dramatic. They are both adorable babies. But ...

[Anonymous]

Are these twins? It sounds like each child has gifts outside of what they look like, and people will respond in kind. Just don't emphasize looks at all, ever.

[Anonymous]

Besides, babies can change very quickly, appearance and all.

[Anonymous]

Oooo,, there was a very interesting post about this a couple of months ago. A mother with two daughters commented how one daughter is much better looking than the other, and the better looking one is constantly getting preferential treatment when out and about. It was heartbreaking but insightful Maybe that mother will see your post and be able to offer some guidance.

[Anonymous]

I have 4 kids, and one is distinctly less good-looking than the others. People are kind and lump her in with them though.

We talk a lot about compliments for things you didn't earn (like looks) and for things you put effort into (like school work or dance class).

[Anonymous]

I have two children - their individual features are very very similar and they are clearly siblings, but on one child the whole face just fits together better and looks stunning. The other child is attractive, but not in the same way.

I try not to really discuss either of their looks and focus more on their actions. And I just brush it off when people come up to comment on how cute that child is.

[Anonymous]

I have fraternal twins, boys (now 12), who have experienced this to some extent. One of my sons has white blond hair and piercing blue eyes, the other has redish hair and dark green eyes. When they were babies/toddlers, people were definitely drawn to the blond more than the redhead. But the redhead has this innate sense of confidence and is naturally hilarious so his personality draws people to him. Whatever extra attention his twin received/receives, seems to roll right off.

[Anonymous]

It might change, too. My kids are two years apart, one girl, one boy, so it is a little different, but one was a ridiculously beautiful baby, and the other one was adorable, but we weren't getting constant double takes, stopping us on the street, and suggestions about baby modeling like we did with the other. All that being said, now as preschoolers, I can see their adult looks emerging a bit and I think the less beautiful baby will be the more attractive adult. So if yours are babies, I wouldn't give this too much thought yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Besides, babies can change very quickly, appearance and all.

My "ugliest" baby who was never oohed and aahed over, had people accidentally comment about non flattering features, etc is now my most stunning child who often gets comments about his looks from all sorts of people.

[Anonymous]

I have B/G twins and my boy is stunning - and gets compliments all the time, though less as he gets older and people look to more "boy appropriate" traits to talk about. Probably the only time I have been glad for stereotypes. I'm not to worried and thank my lucky stars I don't have two girls with this issue.

[Anonymous]

My older son is stunning constantly told that he will grow up to be a movie star. My youngest is adorable but no one stops us on the street to say how gorgeous he is. The 'gorgeous" one is not into his looks at all (yet) and the compliments just roll off. The younger one has an amazing easy going personality and is never jealous of anything.
I was a gorgeous baby but grew up to be a very average adult. My brother was actually a very ugly baby, you should see women spooning over him now.

[Anonymous]

Mine are still young (3 and 5), but the older is classically beautiful and gets a lot of comments. His little brother, while adorable, looks like a goofy 45 year old man (I say that with total affection). Luckily we haven't really experienced people directly comparing them. As they get older, it's so apparent that they have such different, and awesome, personalities/interests/strengths/weaknesses that it's just one more component of who they are and I don't really trouble myself about it. As long as you're not fixated on looks yourself, I think it's something most kids adapt to just fine. I was the less attractive sister growing up, and it wasn't a big deal. (Although as an adult, I do get some satisfaction that that is no longer clearly the case!)

[Anonymous]

I am 11:37 pp, now I feel like a horrible mother for admitting in writing that one of my sons is better looking than the other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oooo,, there was a very interesting post about this a couple of months ago. A mother with two daughters commented how one daughter is much better looking than the other, and the better looking one is constantly getting preferential treatment when out and about. It was heartbreaking but insightful Maybe that mother will see your post and be able to offer some guidance.

I wonder if you're talking about my post. I had asked for help because one twin is much more outgoing than the other (mine are identical and essentially look the same), and was getting tons of coos and smiles and constantly told what a smiley baby she was, while the other just didn't get as much attention (although she is quite a smiley baby, too). Now the girls are 15 months, and we're still encountering many of the same issues, both with our childcare and out and about. I do think there is a bit of a feedback loop---the twin that is constantly told how smiley she is always smiles in return while the other one just does her own thing. I've wavered on how best to handle it. I find that when I'm out alone with the less outgoing twin, I make a big effort to make eye contact with anyone who looks like they might smile at a baby, so that she can feel some extra glow of attention. But there's also something to be said for letting the kids' experiences be different. But I'm happy the OP has raised the issue, because we're always looking for better ways to handle our situation, also.