Is one of your children far more attractive than another?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oooo,, there was a very interesting post about this a couple of months ago. A mother with two daughters commented how one daughter is much better looking than the other, and the better looking one is constantly getting preferential treatment when out and about. It was heartbreaking but insightful Maybe that mother will see your post and be able to offer some guidance.

I wonder if you're talking about my post. I had asked for help because one twin is much more outgoing than the other (mine are identical and essentially look the same), and was getting tons of coos and smiles and constantly told what a smiley baby she was, while the other just didn't get as much attention (although she is quite a smiley baby, too). Now the girls are 15 months, and we're still encountering many of the same issues, both with our childcare and out and about. I do think there is a bit of a feedback loop---the twin that is constantly told how smiley she is always smiles in return while the other one just does her own thing. I've wavered on how best to handle it. I find that when I'm out alone with the less outgoing twin, I make a big effort to make eye contact with anyone who looks like they might smile at a baby, so that she can feel some extra glow of attention. But there's also something to be said for letting the kids' experiences be different. But I'm happy the OP has raised the issue, because we're always looking for better ways to handle our situation, also.

I am the first PP and I do not think I was referring to you. The mother's comment was in response to someone else's. She had two daughters that were not twins and a little bit older (elementary school) and when they were out, people would constantly comment on how beautiful the one girl was, with the other standing nearby. She mentioned how sad it was, and that she was unable to tell her daughter that looks don't matter when clearly they do.

[Anonymous]

Nope, ours are both beautiful at the same rate, boy and girl, 3 and 5. We do get the modeling suggestions for both, and all the comments about her beauty and him going to be a heartbreaker.

We cannot figure out where they got it from since they look like neither of us, and given that, we are learning how to navigate this uncharted territory for us.

[Anonymous]

I would NEVER worry about this when your kids are babies, or toddlers, or even young kids! Kids change SO much. My ugliest baby is bar far my most attractive child. Features come together at different times and its truly hard to tell who will be "stunning" vs "average". Another theory I see tested time and time again (in my own family even) is that 2 stunning people usually produce very average children...strange but true!

[Anonymous]

My husband's aunt recently told him his brother was the cuter kid but he's the more handsome man. Ha!

[Anonymous]

As a PP said, there is a post about this about 2-3 months ago--not the one about personality as another PP thought, but one specifically about looks. See PP 12:00, last response. Very interesting; I recall it well because I commented on it.

I've got two DDs and one is quite the stunner and the other is cute; it's a challenge but it's really how you, the parents, handle it and what values you instill in your kids. You may think it's a challenge for the less attractive one, but it's an equal challenge to inculcate the values into the stunner when s/he's getting all this positive feedback for something s/he did not earn.

[Anonymous]

Yep. Just try it with twin girls who are teens.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 nieces, one tall and thin and quite beautiful. Her sister is shorter, heavier and average. My sister has always commented on how beautiful C is and how ugly K is, to other people, to family, and heartbreakingly, to her daughters. The girls are Tweens now and C is beautiful on the outside but the meanest mean girl you will ever meet. She's a bitch. K is still rather homely but as nice as the sun is warm. K has tons of friends and a healthy little social life. C has nothing but her looks.
Don't make a big deal out of your kids looking better than their siblings. My sister did this very thing and it's a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 nieces, one tall and thin and quite beautiful. Her sister is shorter, heavier and average. My sister has always commented on how beautiful C is and how ugly K is, to other people, to family, and heartbreakingly, to her daughters. The girls are Tweens now and C is beautiful on the outside but the meanest mean girl you will ever meet. She's a bitch. K is still rather homely but as nice as the sun is warm. K has tons of friends and a healthy little social life. C has nothing but her looks.
Don't make a big deal out of your kids looking better than their siblings. My sister did this very thing and it's a mess.

Your sister is psycho. I can't imagine anyone doing this to her daughters.

[Anonymous]

My baby had a cleft lip. People used to wince/grimace when they saw him pre-surgery. He is now an extremely handsome (prob too handsome for his own good) little man ... You just never know how things are going to shake out.

[Anonymous]

who asks this question about babies?? find a hobby, get a job, do something... anything else, OP

[Anonymous]

I have identical twin girls. They are striking. They have beautiful eyes, long eye lashes, gorgeous hair and a beautiful face. DH and I are nothing sexy, but my girls are very pretty. One twin is physically a bit more attractive than the other. But the other twin's personality is more attractive, so they balance out. It's my son, who is also very, very handsome that I worry about. The girls have been getting comments about their beauty from day 1. Makes me a little sad for him, because he is wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, don't dwell on this (or try not to even think about it), because sooner or later your babies will pick up on it. It was clear to me that my mom (and basically everyone in my family) considered my sister much more attractive than me. Some of this is actually due to my mom's own low self-esteem; I look a lot like my mother. And it is really hard. It wasn't until I went to college and away from where I had grown up as the less attractive sister that I realized that I was attractive in my own right. Crazily, people even considered me exceptionally good looking in college and beyond (not saying this is or isn't true, just that was the feedback I got once I was away from the baggage of everyone always seeing me as the less attractive sister).

And remember that beauty is subjective. DH honestly considers me to be far more attractive than my sister and was truly surprised when I told him that I had grown up as the "homely one".

You can't control other people's reactions, but you can control your own. And if you aren't fixated on the idea that one of your children is getting more attention b/c she's more attractive, they won't fixate (or even believe) on that either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:who asks this question about babies?? find a hobby, get a job, do something... anything else, OP

I'm the OP and I hate to take the bait but really?? I already see social interaction patterns that might potentially leave one of my children with less positive models for social relationships and you think I need a job (which I have and which occupies 40+ hours a week). Perhaps you prefer to live with your head and the sand but I would prefer to be aware enough to protect my children's sense of self as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You can't control other people's reactions, but you can control your own. And if you aren't fixated on the idea that one of your children is getting more attention b/c she's more attractive, they won't fixate (or even believe) on that either.

Thanks. This is probably the most healthy approach for us to take since you're right ... there is only so much we can do to shape what happens to them when they interact with others.