if religion is a big part of your life, but not your spouse's thing, how does that work?

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering what the effect would be on a marriage. For one spouse religion is a big part of life; the other spouse is not an atheist, but, for a variety of reasons, doesn't want to attend worship services or be part of a faith community. Thoughts from those who've been there would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering what the effect would be on a marriage. For one spouse religion is a big part of life; the other spouse is not an atheist, but, for a variety of reasons, doesn't want to attend worship services or be part of a faith community. Thoughts from those who've been there would be appreciated.

I've known the church-going half of many couples during my church days. Seems to work out fine -- as long as they get other quality time together.

I have also been the non-church going half of a couple -- and enjoy the time alone on Sunday and have enjoyed socializing with church people.

I also know couple who go to different churches -- seems to be no problem.

[Anonymous]

DH is Jewish, I am Christian, and I'm raising our kids in my church. On Sunday mornings, DH goes grocery-shopping or drinks coffee and reads the paper while we go to church. He supports church-related activities (e.g. youth group fundraisers) and attends on the big holidays if he feels like it, but other than that does not participate.

It is a non-issue in our marriage and family.

[Anonymous]

^^^PP here. I should add, from time to time DH comments on how glad he is that I am raising our kids in my church. He sees positive effects.

[Anonymous]

I'm catholic, my DH is christian, but does not practice. From the beginning, we decided the kids would follow my religion since I was practicing.

I take the kids to church, DH sometimes attends, if the kids really beg. If he stays home, he gets some alone time and/or does chores.

It's not a biggie in our marriage. While I consider myself a cafeteria catholic, I do want the kids to have a foundation where they can make their decisions later in life what to follow or not or to try another religion.

[Anonymous]

This is helpful; thanks, all. My concern has been that the religious spouse would find it rather lonely not to be able to share such an important part of his life with his wife.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in that situation now and yes, it's difficult. It's especially becoming an issue as our kids get older and wonder why daddy doesn't go to church.

Please tell us more about your specific situation. Are you contemplating marrying someone who does not share your religious outlook? Or are you already in that marriage and trying to remedy?

[Anonymous]

Both Catholic but only I am a practicing Catholic so no issues for us.

One SIL was Lutheran - she converted after many years (maybe 10) but it was never an issue as so many things were similar. I don't think she was practicing and eventually wanted them all going to CHurch together.

Another SIL is Jewish - both families pratice and children know both faiths and practice big holidays in both. It was more difficult for them once children came along. religion became more important to both. The lesson learned there is to talk about ALL things and realize things can change. What makes it work for them is they respect both faiths..and they choose not to make it an issue. Not without some minor issues though, esp with otehr family members.

[Anonymous]

Both of us are Jewish and identify as such. DH hates to go to synagogue, so doesn't. Also doesn't follow dietary laws, etc. I take the kids to synagogue and he has alone time in the house. We host holidays; DH participates and helps to a minor degree. DH eats whatever outside the house but doesn't bring non-Kosher things in, and somewhat follows rules at home (he'll put cheese on a meat sandwich, but not eat with the rest of us, and finish it). It def works for us, I don't miss having him be involved, and he isn't pressured to be. Kids don't understand why dad doesn't enjoy Judiasm the way they do, but accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of us are Jewish and identify as such. DH hates to go to synagogue, so doesn't. Also doesn't follow dietary laws, etc. I take the kids to synagogue and he has alone time in the house. We host holidays; DH participates and helps to a minor degree. DH eats whatever outside the house but doesn't bring non-Kosher things in, and somewhat follows rules at home (he'll put cheese on a meat sandwich, but not eat with the rest of us, and finish it). It def works for us, I don't miss having him be involved, and he isn't pressured to be. Kids don't understand why dad doesn't enjoy Judiasm the way they do, but accept it.

hopefully he'll expalin it to them someday -- the way he would about any other activity he wasn't interested in.

What's the secret? SHould he be ashamed that he doesn't go in for the Jewish stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in that situation now and yes, it's difficult. It's especially becoming an issue as our kids get older and wonder why daddy doesn't go to church.

Please tell us more about your specific situation. Are you contemplating marrying someone who does not share your religious outlook? Or are you already in that marriage and trying to remedy?

So tell them why Daddy doesn't go to church, or have Daddy tell them.

Or is the implication that there's something BAD about Daddy not going to church? Something that kids shouldn't hear about.SOmething that would make them think less of their Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^PP here. I should add, from time to time DH comments on how glad he is that I am raising our kids in my church. He sees positive effects.

Could you be specific? What does he notice?

[Anonymous]

No issues. We worked it out before we were married or our child was conceived. We both uphold our end of the dea.

[Anonymous]

deal, that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of us are Jewish and identify as such. DH hates to go to synagogue, so doesn't. Also doesn't follow dietary laws, etc. I take the kids to synagogue and he has alone time in the house. We host holidays; DH participates and helps to a minor degree. DH eats whatever outside the house but doesn't bring non-Kosher things in, and somewhat follows rules at home (he'll put cheese on a meat sandwich, but not eat with the rest of us, and finish it). It def works for us, I don't miss having him be involved, and he isn't pressured to be. Kids don't understand why dad doesn't enjoy Judiasm the way they do, but accept it.

there is something about the way you write this that makes me feel you may take bigger issue with him then you will admit to. a slight shaming tone to your post.