If your dad was in the military

[Anonymous]

And he traveled a lot, did you feel like you had one parent most of the time? Was your mom "checked out"? Did she have the support she needed? Where (was the support)? What were their personalities like?

Pros? Cons?

[Anonymous]

My dad was in the military and I feel like I was raised by everyone but my mother. There were aunts and uncles, dad's best friends, my dance studio owner. My dad was great when he was around, but my biggest memory of him is he was always gone.

[Anonymous]

DH's dad was in the military. DH is one of 8 kids. His dad was always gone - Korea, Vietnam, training etc. Then even when he was around and after retirement in his 40s, he was never really engaged with his kids. He always did what he wanted - continued studying, was in public office etc. However in his mind he was/is the perfect dad. He seems to have created an alternative story for himself about the whole thing. Dh's mom was a saint.

[Anonymous]

My dad was in the military and my mom mostly SAH. I never felt like I had one parent, but was definitely closer to my mom. Dad made an effort to be home when he was around, taking a good amount of leave, etc. We did a lot of traveling as a family and lived overseas for most of my childhood.

She didn't always have the support she needed, I remember some rough times when dad was deployed, but she also had some very close friends too. My dad is in a pretty specialized sector, so we saw some of the same families over and over again through the years as we moved around. Honestly, mom has had a harder time now that dad is retired (but still working), she doesn't really know how to build a social circle on her own.

Dad was mostly gone when we were little. By the time I hit HS, he was mostly home, with short trips, not 6-9mo deployments like when I was in elementary. We grew up on base too though, so our friends were going through the same thing, it was just the norm for us. Mom was very hands-on, there was no sense that she was 'checked out' at all, even if she was working.

My parents' marriage hit a really hard spot once he retired, Mom was def used to doing things on her own and the transition to having a partner around was hard. Now that we're all out of the house, they've gotten to know each other again and while things are still rocky, we're no longer waiting for the divorce announcement at any second.

But both my parents grew up as military kids too. So there was no hometown or anything to miss, the "dad always gone, move every 2-3yrs, build your own extended family" was what their childhood was like. I think that helped, as both mom and dad could relate to what we were dealing with.

[Anonymous]

My dad was an active duty, career military officer of 30 years.

He was largely absent from family life. My dad was often deployed, attending school and/or at an unaccompanied tour.

My mother was a SAHM who was slavishly devoted to my dad's career and was omnipresent, at least physically. She was, for all practical purposes, a single parent. My dad was highly functioning alcoholic; when he was home, we avoided him.

My dad is now gone, but we had a fractured relationship, although there simply wasn't much there to fracture - no togetherness, warm memories, no interaction, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was an active duty, career military officer of 30 years.

He was largely absent from family life. My dad was often deployed, attending school and/or at an unaccompanied tour.

My mother was a SAHM who was slavishly devoted to my dad's career and was omnipresent, at least physically. She was, for all practical purposes, a single parent. My dad was highly functioning alcoholic; when he was home, we avoided him.

My dad is now gone, but we had a fractured relationship, although there simply wasn't much there to fracture - no togetherness, warm memories, no interaction, etc.

With a few minor tweaks to what you wrote, you could be me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad was an active duty, career military officer of 30 years.

He was largely absent from family life. My dad was often deployed, attending school and/or at an unaccompanied tour.

My mother was a SAHM who was slavishly devoted to my dad's career and was omnipresent, at least physically. She was, for all practical purposes, a single parent. My dad was highly functioning alcoholic; when he was home, we avoided him.

My dad is now gone, but we had a fractured relationship, although there simply wasn't much there to fracture - no togetherness, warm memories, no interaction, etc.

With a few minor tweaks to what you wrote, you could be me.

I am very, very sorry to have so much in common. Talk about keeping secrets; it would have been career suicide had the military found out about the extent of my dad's alcoholism. I'm amazed that he ascended through the ranks as he did with nary a look into our life. He also was able to maintain a clearance. How, I haven't a clue.

I'd like to think that my dad was a product of his time and that the military has changed for the better. I sincerely hope that tyrannical, terrifying, abusive men don't get rewarded with a long military career and cushy retirement.

Ever read The Great Santini? Rang true for me.

[Anonymous]

He was in the military. He was drafted into the Army. He managed to finish his ... term? whatever it's called, before older sister was conceived. He refers to his Army time as the most miserable time of his life.

[Anonymous]

My dad was military and I think my sister and I had an awesome childhood. We lived all over the world, learned how to quickly make friends, and built strong bonds because we always had to rely on each other. We remain a close-knit family.

Mom was SAH until I hit middle school, so she definitely did the brunt of the housework and childcare, but my dad was very engaged in our lives. Even when he was away, there were frequent phone calls, letters, etc. and we always knew we were foremost in his thoughts. (This was pre-Internet and pre-Skype.) The only time I remember truly being bummed was when he was deployed and missed my 10th birthday.

That said, I found out much later that my dad sacrificed some career growth to make things easier on the family. To the extent he could, he turned down assignments in family-unfriendly places, extended his assignments in family-friendly ones, etc. The military largely dictates your life, but he was willing to delay promotion/retire a grade or two lower to have a better work-family balance.

FWIW, the military-brat childhood left me and my sister with very different desires. I love to travel, don't mind moving frequently, and hope to expose my children to the world (preferably by living overseas for a few years). My sister think she's done enough traveling for a lifetime, is very happy to own a home and never move again, and wants her children to have the stability of living in the same neighborhood, with the same friends, and be able to have somewhere to put down roots. Different strokes, but we are super close to each other, and our parents.

[Anonymous]

PP above, and I should add that I think I may have had to "grow up" sooner than I otherwise would have. Mom's support network was really the local military community (both sides of family were often far away), and it's hard to "just be a kid" when your dad is gone and your mom needs help.

[Anonymous]

My dad was Army for 30 years. We lived in Europe and he traveled a bunch, for weeks at a time. But when he was home, he was SUPER present and involved in my life. He volunteered for every field trip and girl scout event and attended every riding lesson and softball game. Braided my hair and tucked me in every night. I remember holding his hand and skipping across the PX parking lot with him in full uniform. I have two siblings, we each are convinced we are his favorite.

My mom was a SAH and more high-strung and "less" fun. I don't think this was because she had to care for us more and do the heavy lifting, though; I think she's just a less whimsical, happy-go-lucky person. She's also extremely self-sufficient and effective. She certainly didn't defer to my dad.

This adage of our teen years sums it up best: "Confess what you did to Dad before Mom finds out." I think this would have been the same if we weren't a military family.