Awkward Playdate Rejection Question

[Anonymous]

I seem to recall reading a thread similar to this a while ago, but I searched the archives and couldn't find it. (In any case, I'm not sure it was exactly relevant to our situation anyway!)

Here is our situation (sorry for the length): DS6 is in a private school where most playdates/socializing is done within the same class--in other words, kids within the same class are frequently inviting one another on playdates. It is apparent to all children in the class (from how the children are dismissed to go home) who is going on a playdate with whom on any given day. There is one boy in DS' class with whom he would like to have a playdate, but for whatever reason, the family doesn't want to have a playdate with our son. (I won't go into the details, but it is obvious that they are rejecting us and aren't just busy.) What I find strange is that this boy and our son play together regularly at recess, and from all accounts (according to the teacher) and observations (at things like birthday parties, etc.) they are very friendly with each other, so it's not as if the boy in question dislikes our son. (Perhaps I am being paranoid, but I wonder if it is the parents who don't like our son or us (although these are drop-off playdates) ).

Normally I would just brush it off since our son does have other kids to play with, but the problem is, since playdates are entirely done by the class and the class is smallish, and there actually are a few boys in the class with whom our son doesn't really want to have a playdate, and mostly boys and girls aren't having playdates together, it really does shorten his list of potential playmates to have to cross this child off the list (basically, our son has various playdates with three classmates, and it would be great to extend it to four, since the other kids are pretty much ruled out for various personality/gender reasons), plus he sees this child having playdates with others and mentioned to me that he wants one.

So, I am wondering if I should ask the parents why they don't want a playdate? If there is an actual reason that could be remedied, asking might clarify/improve the situation. It makes me really nervous to ask, though--I absolutely hate awkward situations like this! Also, what would I say?? Plus, if the reason is that they don't want to for whatever reason, then we have to see them regularly at school functions and it would be so difficult for all concerned. I just can't decide what to do, and if I am going to ask them why, how to phrase it?

Any advice welcome; thanks!

[Anonymous]

You can't ask without putting them on the spot. If you truly believe they have rejected your attempts to get the kids together and weren't just busy/distracted, then you have to encourage your son to enjoy the other boy at school. Sorry, it's frustrating when you don't know why the other family is unwilling to arrange play dates.

[Anonymous]

Nope. You have to accept this and get on with your life.

[Anonymous]

I would go against the others and ask directly.

Maybe hold off until later in the year closer to summer break though.

[Anonymous]

Does your son say that the other boy is asking for a playdate with him?

To explain to your son -- stay matter of fact. Say, "I have called your friend's parents 6 times and each time they weren't able to make the playdate. It is not polite to keep asking. That is hounding people. I don't know why they don't agree to a playdate. But now the ball is in their court. The social rule is, you ask 6 times, but then you stop asking."

To encourage the other kid's parents to agree to let him have a playdate with your son -- host a REALLY cool outing that you are sure the other boy would love to do, and invite him along with the other 3 boys in the class and any other boys that the boy does have playdates with. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell us more -- why are you so certain that they are rejecting you and aren't just busy?

[Anonymous]

OP, we are in the -exact- same situation. I'm so sad for DS and try not to show it.

The only thing I can think of has to do with nannies, and nanny social network, Inc. Is that an issue in your situation? In other words, is the other boy at home with Nanny A, who basically wants to spend time with Nanny B and Nanny C (meaning, their 3 charges have lots of playdates)?

I would not ask the other parents what's up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell us more -- why are you so certain that they are rejecting you and aren't just busy?

OP here. Well, a few reasons--the third one (following) is the most telling. First, I've asked several times for a playdate, and each time they said they couldn't, without ever suggesting an alternate time. I mean, if someone asks us to do something and we can't, I'll generally say something like, "well, we're booked that day, but what about next Wednesday," etc. They have never once suggested another time or made any overtures at all--in fact, they haven't even said anything as general or politely formulaic as, "oh, gee, sorry, we'll have to do it another time"--it's just a negative response. Second, it's not as though they just don't have playdates, because I see them regularly having playdates with other children in the class, yet they always reject us. Third and most obvious, a couple of months ago I asked for a playdate when I was chatting with the parents at a school function; they refused, saying they had a family commitment, and then--not kidding--a few minutes later I overheard them accept a playdate invitation from another parent for the exact same day! (I can only assume they didn't realize I was still within earshot, and no I wasn't eavesdropping but I just happened to overhear, LOL) Needless to say, that was the last time I extended an invitation to them. I had been all set since then to just forget about this family, but then I keep wondering what the reason is! (Do they dislike our child? Do they dislike us? ) Also, I would like for our son to get to enjoy this child since, as I mentioned, they play together at school.

[Anonymous]

I've been in this situation before and it was hardest to try to explain to my son that we were not going to be able to have a playdate. But, alas, that is what I did and what you should probably do (just drop it). The parents are sending you a strong signal, you are receiving it, and it is up to you to gracefully walk away (confused, yes)...to ask them why would make everyone feel uncomfortable. I have this feeling that they will come to you later in the year to ask for a playdate--just a hunch. But for now I'd drop it. I'm sorry...Been there, done that.

[Anonymous]

Oooooh. In that case, I would make sure to be a raging asshole to them every chance I got. but not in front of the kids of course.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you live too far away from them??? (Just trying to think of possible reasons...)

[Anonymous]

After reading the invitations you offered them, I would not insist more. You tried and did your best to get a playdate. If they responded in that way, let go. They don't seem to be valuable people anyway if they can't deny a playdate diplomatically.

[Anonymous]

I have been in this situation. When I lived in another city and didn't know many people (only those through my husband's work) I tried to make friends with the wives of his colleagues and organize playdates for my daughter with their children who were her age. There were many of these women who, for whatever reason - I'll never know - were not interested in playdates. After asking and getting rejected several times with no concrete suggestions for alternatives, I just stopped asking.

It is painful and awkward, but it's a good lesson to learn that you don't need to keep submitting yourself to rejection. If there are kids in the class he enjoys playing with and who want to do playdates then just try to enjoy those and let the others go. When he asks, just tell him the truth - that you have asked the other child's mother and he can't do it. If the other boy really wants a playdate with your child presumably he will ask his parents and maybe then something will happen.

I'm sorry....

[Anonymous]

I would not ask them. You already know they are rejecting you. Do you really want them to be blunt with you and tell you exactly why? That would put them in such an awkward spot and it would also upset you.

I've been in the opposite situation. Several parents have asked me for playdates with my son. I always made excuses. My son will oblige and get together with these children, however, if I ask him. He would not ask for playdates with these children on his own though.

The reason I rejected those playdates is because one of them was very aggressive. He shoves and hits my son with no provocation. He seems to mistake my son for a human punching bag. They could be just sitting next to each other and he just will start punching my son. He seems to need to get some internal frustration out I suppose, who really knows, but I can't let him be aggressive with my son. My son is a very amiable little guy and will try hard to get along with most kids. So if there's a hit or shove here and there, he ignores it, but he acknowledges their aggression to me. But I won't ignore it and he shouldn't either.
I rejected another child because he was just incredibly shy and anxious. My son had to put in all the effort to get him to play. It wore him out. Even after months, this child was still anxious and sat like a potted plant on playdates.
I would never reject a child because of their religion or nationality, however. Perhaps this child's parents are of a different nationality and this is the reason. Perhaps their child has actually said something negative at home about your child.
What you could do is try to get to know the parents better. Sometimes when you get to know the parent you realize their perspective or parenting is polar opposite of yours and perhaps this child's parents already realized that about you. Getting to know them better might shed some more light on it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I mean to say this as gently as possible, but it seems like you are taking this rejection to heart and are maybe even more upset about it than your son.

We become so vulnerable when we have kids. We are afraid of them getting hurt or of others judging our children unfairly. Understandably, this is very painful and upsetting. But I think you need to let it go and move past it in whatever way you can. Find new friends (and parents) that you and your son enjoy. Try not to dwell on this.

I would not speak to these parents. Even if they told you the true answer, you may not want to hear it. Focusing on this can only lead to trouble---think of the guy in swingers making more and more phone calls to the girl, basically saying "why don't you like me?" You don't want to go through that, its just not worth it.