Awkward Playdate Rejection Question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"there actually are a few boys in the class with whom our son doesn't really want to have a playdate...",

Maybe you could use this as an opportunity to broaden his base of friends. You could use this as a learning experience to increase your son's empathy for others and maybe he will be more sympathetic to playdates from some of the other boys.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would use this as an example to show you son how to manage rejections such as this. Show him that not all people can like you and not to take it seriously. You talk to him about it and say for whatever reason they don't want to play with US, so let's make friends with others. He undoubtly will go through a situation where some kid is going to reject being friends with him. This would be a good model for him to tap into so he can walk away with his self-confidence intact.

Do what you want your son to imulate.

It's amazing, our kids teach us to grow up and mature.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say "They don't want to play with us".

I would stick with the facts, as you know them. The fact is, you asked for a playdate, and they said "no". You asked three times, and they weren't able to. That's it. So you don't ask anymore, you let them do the next asking. That's playdate politeness.

You don't need to go into it with your son, about whether the other family likes him, or you, or doesn't; or whether they are having other playdates with other kids, or whatever. If he brings it up, you answer honestly, which is "I don't know why they said no." You are just explaining to him why you aren't asking them for any more playdates.

[Anonymous]

I would call them on it and force a response. You have to be prepared for whatever they say, of course. But it should be more awkward for them than you. Extra points if you do it in front of other parents. (or maybe less aggressively -ask someone whose son playdats with both boys if they have any idea what is going on?)

[Anonymous]

I was in this situation in preschool with DD. The other child constantly asked me if she could have a playdate with DD, so I asked the mother, and they had one playdate at our house. The mother may not have liked my decorating, or the snacks, or maybe I smelled, but whatever the reason, she refused to set up another playdate despite repeated requests from me. I asked another parent about this woman, and she said she was "weird" so I left it at that. The sad thing was that every time I saw her daughter (who was very sweet and played every day at school with my daughter), she asked me if she could have a playdate with my daughter. Finally, I called up the mother and asked her to please tell her daughter that she wouldn't let her play with my daughter so I wouldn't have to say so. It ended with that, and the woman left the school the next year, no idea why. FWIW, my daughter is very popular and has lots of friends, so I'm guessing this woman didn't like ME for some reason. Some people just don't like you (or something about you), and you have to let go of it.

Oh, and she set up a playdate with another child at a school function right in front of me. It was offensive, but again, I had to let go of it. I'd never treat someone that way, but I'm sure she had her reasons. That said, there are other children I have (politely) refused playdates with because I just don't like the kids or I don't feel the parents are attentive enough.

We try so hard to protect our children from pain, but this is something they will learn and get through. It's harder than us than it is on them. I told DD that her friend's mother was too busy to let her daughter have playdates with DD, and she accepted it. A slight lie, but she has enough other friends that it didn't bother her.

[Anonymous]

Op, this sucks but it is what it is. You have pretty good evidence that these people do NOT want to play with your family. Move on. Calling them is beneath you, have done enough.

Now is the time to encourage your son to make some new friends. Branch out. And for heaven's sake, do not discuss it too much. I would say "You know, I really do not know what is going on (true) but you have lots of friends and lots of new friends to possibly meet. Who would you like to invite over and what would you like to do?"

You've got to have some pride here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not ask them. You already know they are rejecting you. Do you really want them to be blunt with you and tell you exactly why? That would put them in such an awkward spot and it would also upset you.

I've been in the opposite situation. Several parents have asked me for playdates with my son. I always made excuses. My son will oblige and get together with these children, however, if I ask him. He would not ask for playdates with these children on his own though.

The reason I rejected those playdates is because one of them was very aggressive. He shoves and hits my son with no provocation. He seems to mistake my son for a human punching bag. They could be just sitting next to each other and he just will start punching my son. He seems to need to get some internal frustration out I suppose, who really knows, but I can't let him be aggressive with my son. My son is a very amiable little guy and will try hard to get along with most kids. So if there's a hit or shove here and there, he ignores it, but he acknowledges their aggression to me. But I won't ignore it and he shouldn't either.
I rejected another child because he was just incredibly shy and anxious. My son had to put in all the effort to get him to play. It wore him out. Even after months, this child was still anxious and sat like a potted plant on playdates.
I would never reject a child because of their religion or nationality, however. Perhaps this child's parents are of a different nationality and this is the reason. Perhaps their child has actually said something negative at home about your child.
What you could do is try to get to know the parents better. Sometimes when you get to know the parent you realize their perspective or parenting is polar opposite of yours and perhaps this child's parents already realized that about you. Getting to know them better might shed some more light on it.

This post made me sad because my son is painfully shy in new situations and I suppose could be described as a "potted plant" on playdates with new friends. He's the sweetest, dearest boy but it definitely takes some time for him to come out of his shell (though it wouldn't take months). I try to set up regular playdates with his classmates because it helps him a great deal but I'm worried that we'll be in this situation soon enough.

[Anonymous]

PP, it is about finding the right fit. My first born DD is one tough cookie and I am pretty open with the other parents that we will have to see how it goes. Sometimes, other first borns and she are fine, kind of take each other on. Sometimes it is a blood bath. Sometimes I get a shyer kid and it is beautiful, and sometimes i feel like my DD is bossing the shyer one too much. Don't worry, there is no formula. Kids like each other without rhyme or reason and your son will find all kinds of friends. Just show that you are confident he will!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this situation in preschool with DD. The other child constantly asked me if she could have a playdate with DD, so I asked the mother, and they had one playdate at our house. The mother may not have liked my decorating, or the snacks, or maybe I smelled, but whatever the reason, she refused to set up another playdate despite repeated requests from me. I asked another parent about this woman, and she said she was "weird" so I left it at that. The sad thing was that every time I saw her daughter (who was very sweet and played every day at school with my daughter), she asked me if she could have a playdate with my daughter. Finally, I called up the mother and asked her to please tell her daughter that she wouldn't let her play with my daughter so I wouldn't have to say so. It ended with that, and the woman left the school the next year, no idea why. FWIW, my daughter is very popular and has lots of friends, so I'm guessing this woman didn't like ME for some reason. Some people just don't like you (or something about you), and you have to let go of it.

Oh, and she set up a playdate with another child at a school function right in front of me. It was offensive, but again, I had to let go of it. I'd never treat someone that way, but I'm sure she had her reasons. That said, there are other children I have (politely) refused playdates with because I just don't like the kids or I don't feel the parents are attentive enough.

We try so hard to protect our children from pain, but this is something they will learn and get through. It's harder than us than it is on them. I told DD that her friend's mother was too busy to let her daughter have playdates with DD, and she accepted it. A slight lie, but she has enough other friends that it didn't bother her.

It seems that the reason you find it so easy to accept is because you have done the same thing - turn down play dates - and think it is fine. I personally have never turned down a request for a play date with a child my son is friendly with. Some kids need more supervision than others but all get accepted. If I am particularly worried about a child I ask them to come to my house and offer to take the child home if pick up is inconvenient for the parents. So if a mother treated me and my son the way that mother treated you and your DD and the way you sometimes treat others I would be worried and upset. Don't get me wrong, i am not questioning your decisions - we all have our comfort levels - just saying that it is easier to accept a treatment that you find easy to dole out without any qualms.

[Anonymous]

Since I do not know the OP, please don't take this personally. My child has made friends with a girl in school. She wants to have playdates with this girl. I am reluctant because I am unsure of the Mom's drinking habits. The Mom in question is not my type. That's okay, but she makes remarks about drinking and others have said there may be a problem. Just don't want to go there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not ask them. You already know they are rejecting you. Do you really want them to be blunt with you and tell you exactly why? That would put them in such an awkward spot and it would also upset you.

I've been in the opposite situation. Several parents have asked me for playdates with my son. I always made excuses. My son will oblige and get together with these children, however, if I ask him. He would not ask for playdates with these children on his own though.

The reason I rejected those playdates is because one of them was very aggressive. He shoves and hits my son with no provocation. He seems to mistake my son for a human punching bag. They could be just sitting next to each other and he just will start punching my son. He seems to need to get some internal frustration out I suppose, who really knows, but I can't let him be aggressive with my son. My son is a very amiable little guy and will try hard to get along with most kids. So if there's a hit or shove here and there, he ignores it, but he acknowledges their aggression to me. But I won't ignore it and he shouldn't either.
I rejected another child because he was just incredibly shy and anxious. My son had to put in all the effort to get him to play. It wore him out. Even after months, this child was still anxious and sat like a potted plant on playdates.
I would never reject a child because of their religion or nationality, however. Perhaps this child's parents are of a different nationality and this is the reason. Perhaps their child has actually said something negative at home about your child.
What you could do is try to get to know the parents better. Sometimes when you get to know the parent you realize their perspective or parenting is polar opposite of yours and perhaps this child's parents already realized that about you. Getting to know them better might shed some more light on it.

This post made me sad because my son is painfully shy in new situations and I suppose could be described as a "potted plant" on playdates with new friends. He's the sweetest, dearest boy but it definitely takes some time for him to come out of his shell (though it wouldn't take months). I try to set up regular playdates with his classmates because it helps him a great deal but I'm worried that we'll be in this situation soon enough.

Don't be discouraged, not everyone thinks like the above poster. I feel like my son is a "universal fit". He gets along with everyone and it a great chameleon. We have 2 friends who have painfully shy children and both come to our house very often for playdates. We also have a friend with Cerebral Palsy. The child definitely is a "potted plant", but I use it as an opportunity to teach my child that kindness and friendship is shared with everyone. He asks questions about his disabled friend and we can all have an open dialogue.

Not all parents keep their kids away from perfect matches. We do tow the line on aggressive kids who have parents who refuse consistent and firm corrections. I don't mind the aggression, but I do mind parents who are too weak to correct and discipline the behavior.

[Anonymous]

21:16 - can you have the playdates at your house? Yeah, it gets hard to avoid reciprocating, but some social awkwardness on your part may be a small price for the gift you have the chance to give that child.

21:29 - AMEN. I will accept almost anything from a child who is our guest - anything except parents who aren't doing their job. You know the ones - who overlook major infractions, and can't be trusted to protect MY child if there's a conflict on their watch.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing. They are playdates. It hurts when a child is left out, but there is enough to do in the world without sweating ONE MORE THING. Personally, I am sometimes grateful when people do not call. I feel like my kid needs more downtime rather than more time with the kids she sees ALL day. And I hate managing the playdates and my 20 month old. Sometimes it is simply tiring. OP, I know it hurts, but look at this as an opportunity to do some fun stuff while your kid is still young enough to want to hang out with you!!!

[Anonymous]

OP, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you need to just get over it. If the kids are friendly at school, they can still play at school. If your son asks whyt hey cannot have a playdate, gently tell him that the other family is not able to arrange with him right now and leave it at that. You do not want to imply that the other child does not like him, as they obviously get along at school.

In the meantime, expand your circle of play dates. Just because most in the school stick to playdates within the same class, if he has friends form other classes (or schools), try to arrange play dates with them as well. Same goes for girls - why rule it out as something that is just not done? I remember having play dates with boys when I was in first and second grade. Larry and Mark were two of my best friends and we got along beautifully.

On a related note, and I will say this as gently as possible, you have admitted to rejecting playdates with some of the other children for "various personality/gender reasons". If it is an issue that the two kids don't get along, that is fine...we cannot get along with everybody. But if it is a "personality" issue that you have with the kid or parents (rather than your son not liking a particular kid), then I think you need to take a look at your own approach to play dates. I think that we need to model the behavior we expect from others. I apologize in advance if that is not the case, but was just wondering due to the phrasing in your post.

Lastly, like otehr PPs said, it is very easy to get worked up about our child being rejected. I agree with the PPs that our job as parents is not to protect them through ruling out such situations, but by helping them cope with their feelings. We all have memories of being left out of one circle or another in our lives. While unpleasant, it not completely avoidable. It is also a "teaching moment" of how we feel when we say/do certain things to others. But, again, in your particular case, since the boys get along at school, the "rejection" is from the parents not the child...perhaps a bit more bewildering for you, but we can't be liked by everybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not ask them. You already know they are rejecting you. Do you really want them to be blunt with you and tell you exactly why? That would put them in such an awkward spot and it would also upset you.

I've been in the opposite situation. Several parents have asked me for playdates with my son. I always made excuses. My son will oblige and get together with these children, however, if I ask him. He would not ask for playdates with these children on his own though.

The reason I rejected those playdates is because one of them was very aggressive. He shoves and hits my son with no provocation. He seems to mistake my son for a human punching bag. They could be just sitting next to each other and he just will start punching my son. He seems to need to get some internal frustration out I suppose, who really knows, but I can't let him be aggressive with my son. My son is a very amiable little guy and will try hard to get along with most kids. So if there's a hit or shove here and there, he ignores it, but he acknowledges their aggression to me. But I won't ignore it and he shouldn't either.
I rejected another child because he was just incredibly shy and anxious. My son had to put in all the effort to get him to play. It wore him out. Even after months, this child was still anxious and sat like a potted plant on playdates.
I would never reject a child because of their religion or nationality, however. Perhaps this child's parents are of a different nationality and this is the reason. Perhaps their child has actually said something negative at home about your child.
What you could do is try to get to know the parents better. Sometimes when you get to know the parent you realize their perspective or parenting is polar opposite of yours and perhaps this child's parents already realized that about you. Getting to know them better might shed some more light on it.

This post made me sad because my son is painfully shy in new situations and I suppose could be described as a "potted plant" on playdates with new friends. He's the sweetest, dearest boy but it definitely takes some time for him to come out of his shell (though it wouldn't take months). I try to set up regular playdates with his classmates because it helps him a great deal but I'm worried that we'll be in this situation soon enough.

Don't be discouraged, not everyone thinks like the above poster. I feel like my son is a "universal fit". He gets along with everyone and it a great chameleon. We have 2 friends who have painfully shy children and both come to our house very often for playdates. We also have a friend with Cerebral Palsy. The child definitely is a "potted plant", but I use it as an opportunity to teach my child that kindness and friendship is shared with everyone. He asks questions about his disabled friend and we can all have an open dialogue.

Not all parents keep their kids away from perfect matches. We do tow the line on aggressive kids who have parents who refuse consistent and firm corrections. I don't mind the aggression, but I do mind parents who are too weak to correct and discipline the behavior.

To the poster who has the extremely shy child, I am sorry for using the term 'potted plant.' I was recollecting my frustration with having to see my son struggling for months to try to get this playdate to interact with him. But it was insensitive to parents of shy children so I apologize. I should have used a more polite way of expressing it.

I am not averse to my child playing with shy children at all. In fact, I welcome it because I recognize that my son needs to learn to be able to get along with all kinds of children, shy, extroverted, slightly bossy...(I draw the line with aggression though). I'm certain shy children have a hard time. But shy children make it hard for friendly kids too by putting all the burden of socialzing on them. Being shy for a few weeks or even a couple of months is one thing. If a shy child is warming up a little as time goes by, it's a hopeful sign. But this child was just not warming up even after months. And mom was so anxious and overprotective herself and that didn't help.