Anyone have trial separation tips?
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Anonymous
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H and I have agreed to separate for a bit to work on things in our marriage, particularly his spending more than he contributes. I make more than he does and it will be a struggle for him to afford a place on his own, but I'm willing to cover some of the expenses as I think this is so important for us. Not how to structure this, though - personal loan? That seems like it would feel weird if we reconciled. Private loans he would be eligible for have crazy interest, which I'm worried about incurring if we reconcile (the whole point of this is for him to be financially responsible, not take on more debt for us). Continuing to share a bank account doesn't feel like a real separation. Any advice?
I'd also appreciate any general tips. I want this separation to feel real (not just like he's away on a trip), but also don't want to leave him in the lurch. Should he move all of his stuff out? TIA |
Anonymous
| Is the point of this to teach him to manage money better? Or are you really unhappy and needing space to figure out where your marriage is going? Or is it both? |
Anonymous
| Both |
Anonymous
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...waiting for women to start screaming at OP. all the money is shared money! who is keeping track! my husband would NEVER make me feel this way!
etc etc |
Anonymous
if the financial issue is the real one why not do this: have both your checks go into personal accounts. come up with a list of expenses that are 'shared' and essential to running the home then you each contribute 50/50 and whatever you have left over you do with as you please |
Anonymous
Frankly you sound kinda fucked up around money. What do you mean "spends more than he contributes?" A marriage is not about spending only what your paycheck contributes to household pot. That is money that is shared equally. Now if he is spending more than your household pot can afford or is buying big-ticket items without talking it over with you, that's a problem. And then there's this notion that you're separating so he can learn to manage his money better. It sounds like you're his mother trying to teach your son a lesson. Are you seeing a marriage counselor? If not, that is where you need to be spending the household money. |
Anonymous
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Usually when a couple separates / divorces the higher earning spouse pays alimony or money towards the living expenses of the other. Not as a loan but as required payments.
If he is on board with learning money management, then you may be able to just give him a set amount a month and that is all he has to work with (on top of his income). He can't spend more than he has. I wouldn't do a loan within a marriage. If he doesn't want this - then likely no option is a good option. He is better to officially separate and have alimony paid to him. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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What do you mean spends more than he contributes?
That is probably true of most lower income spouses. Do you have joint or separate accounts? Do you have a budget and he is not sticking to it? Do you both do the finances together so both are aware of the financial situation? What is your definition of his overspending? Is he out blowing up credit card debt on new shoes and golf clubs? What is he spending on? Why does he feel he can spend this money - what justifies it for him? |
Anonymous
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I agree that the idea that each spouse spends what they contribute is really wrong.
I think you should finance the separation as if it was a divorce. 1) Run child support calculators, and pay him whatever they tell you to pay. 2) Give him (not lend, give) him cash equal to his 1/2 of the equity in the family home, since it appears you're planning to stay there. If you reconcile, then he can bring that money back into the joint finances when he comes back. |
Anonymous
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OP,
Do you have children? Do you understand that the vast majority of trial separations lead to divorce? Have you discussed this with a lawyer, the financial aspect? Will you see each other regularly, will he still have a key to your place, will either of you date? I'm not following how his spending habits could be that bad that moving out and setting up a second household is going to save your marriage. Do you still love him? |
Anonymous
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So many angry folks out there. Sorry if any of this is striking some sensitive cords with you.
He's just irresponsible and unreliable and the money issue is one of many issues with marriage on both sides. We are both responsible for relationship situation we're in and are trying to fix it. Separation is a new concept to us so I'm just looking for some non-angry advice. It's weird splitting stuff that was formerly one (accounts, possessions, etc.), and we're also not sure if this is permanent so I'm not sure what bits to separate and what to keep whole. 14:52 - Thanks - I will take advice that's applicable to us. We have no equity - we'e renters. I am not rolling in the dough, but I make enough to cover home and child expenses on my own if need be. |
Anonymous
It would be worth it to see a mediator. There are mediators who specifically handle financial and marital situations like this and can help you. |
Anonymous
| Awesome. Thanks, 15:59. |
Anonymous
If you're in the DC area, here is a search result for such mediators. http://www.mediate.com/mediator/results.cfm?praclist=10&stateprovince=DC&bnamesrch=&lnamesrch=&Cust__Comments= |